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A rewrite/parody of a so-bad-it's-horrible piece one of my friends wrote. (He approves of this, by the way. So I’m not just being a terrible friend here.)

He just gave up writing his story, so I'll have to end my parody here too. So what was originally going to be novel-length is now just one sad chapter. Oh well.

--

Kiro frantically crammed breakfast cereal down his throat.

“Chew your food 32 times or until it turns to liquid," his grandfather reminded him.

"I un av ime! Mm goie oo e ae!" said Kiro with his mouth full of marshmallow bits. (Translation: "I don't have time! I'm going to be late!" wink

"You are going to be late," Grandfather said, observantly.

"I uo!" (Translation: "I know!" wink

With Herculean effort, Kiro drained his bowl, shoved his pants on, got on his bike, and pushed out of the garage in less than five seconds, a new record.

“I should really watch where I'm going this time," Kiro thought resolutely. His resolution was shattered within minutes as he spotted Nikine out jogging. This morning, she had managed to squeeze herself into extremely small shorts and a top that left absolutely nothing to the imagination.

Of course, Kiro found this sight a lot more interesting than the road, and promptly ran into a parked car.

He lay on the asphalt for a while, the pain driving everything else out of his mind. "It's an interesting pain," he concluded. "Like the static of old TVs between channels. In pain form."

Eventually, he tried thinking about other things, and so managed to shift his focus back to the outside world. He realized that Nikine had run over to him.

"Hey! Are you okay?" she asked, bending over him in a way that Kiro found extremely distracting.

"Why, yes, I am feeling excellent," said Kiro, popping his ankle back into place. "Did you see that? Haha! In Soviet Russia, you run over cars. Or something. Hah."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yep! I've had worse. This one time, I was wrestling bears wh—"

"Sure you're sure? Your knee's bleeding really badly."

"What... ah," he said, locating the injury and making a mental note to get his coat dry-cleaned. "Ah, yes. I was such a manly man that I did not even notice. Well, it's okay, it's only a flesh wound. I...." He stood up, wobbled, tried to walk, and fell over onto his wounded knee. The sensation of having one's mind completely occupied by pain was quickly becoming familiar.

"Should I go for help?" Nikine asked, jolting Kiro out of it.

"No, no, I'm okay, I can manage. I am not weaaak. Pain... is good. It makes me stronger."

"Okay, whatever you say, then," Nikine said, carrying on with her jogging.

Kiro draped himself over the sidewalk, watching her run off into the sunrise and deciding that he had definitely made a good impression.