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Anxiety
Well, my birthday is only 18 days away... which is kind of ironic because it IS my 18th birthday coming up! Lmao I am soooo nervous about it. I mean, I've been having these depression breakdowns almost everyday because of the hardcore anxiety of turning 18... usually people would be all excited to be 18.... not me. Well, I am sort of, because I can buy cigarettes. Lmao But then again, I don't want to be 18 because now I need to go and apply for adult education, plan on getting myself some ID soon, getting myself my OWN bank account since I'm still branched in with my mom's. I still have to get my own medical card, my glasses are still being worked on, so I have to make a plan to go pick them up soon. I also need to decide where I'm going to live and what kind of job I'll need to support myself. I always wondered how my adult life would be, at least when I was younger I thought about it. I always was too afraid to become an adult and thought about suicide alot so I wouldn't have to face the world... now I realize... suicide isn't an option. I have no more time to waste... in 18 days I will be an adult. I have alot of responsibilities now, as it is... but having MORE? Paying taxes, voting... all that stuff. I don't believe I can handle it. I've actually been thinking about going back to drugs as a way of escape... I know it's not the answer, but this situation is so difficult for me right now. I should've been making plans ahead of time. But, the time seemed to go by so fast, even blinking took 3 or 4 days out of the month. Now here I am, wondering as each day goes by, what mistakes I will make... I've made a ton as it is, I just... feel like turning 18 is going to be the biggest mistake the world has seen. Me being born, 18 years ago... But, since I can guarantee I don't WANT to be a drain on society, but I'm going to anyway because I will never amount to anything or be succesful in any way, shape or form. I'm a lost cause. I haven't been able to be fixed since I was just starting out in Jr. High. Nothing's changed. Sure, I've matured in my brain. I've learned that drugs is horrible for depression. I've learned that you can only trust yourself 100%, no one else. Because really, no one understands you better than you do. Even if you're having a waging battle in your head, constantly, giving you mixed messages which you can't understand. You still realize that's what your problem is, in fact. And when you have anxiety problems really bad, but can handle riding the bus apposed to going to the store by yourself. Riding the bus is easier for me to do because I can just play PSP, or look out the window and even do something as simple as count how many yellow houses I see, or how many parked cars there are on the street. Going to the store is far more difficult, simply because you HAVE to pay attention to your surroundings, you HAVE to look for what you need to buy. So when you see people, in the aisle, in the aisle you need to go down... you can't help but get an anxiety attack. When I'm with someone, I find it easier, because I can converse with them, and drown the rest of the bystanders in the store out. When I have something to focus on, besides my objective, my anxiety doesn't bother me. It's like I can push the anxiety away when I have someone to talk to, or something to fix my attention on. When I went to The Forks for Canada Day, there was SOOOOOOOO MANY PEOPLE there, I wouldn't have DARED to go there by myself. My friend Justin talked to me on MSN, asked me if I wanted to go do something since I haven't seen him in a while... as you know, I went to the lake that weekend. So I agreed, we took the bus to The Forks... and yeah. Because I was with him, I could focus on HIM not the rest of the people, however, because we were surfing through the crowd, trying to find a spot where I could sit and avoid people... I had a panic attack. I felt like the oxygen was being sucked right out of my lungs, as if there was an enormous vacuum cleaner above me on full power. I felt like fainting. He took me to a quiet place near the fountain, and I watched the water.... for about 20 minutes or so. Then some of my friends saw me and wanted me to hang with them. At that moment, the people that were around me instantly vanished. It was just me and my friends. In bigger crowds it takes more than just one friend to help my anxiety. I guess what I'm trying to say is, my anxiety problems are so bad, that turning 18 will be like the world is caving under me, and pulling me down to the core of the Earth... I'm so terrified of turning 18... I just... feel the pressure, feel the flames of the volcano scorchingly hot on my skin, closing in on me as each day goes by. By the 18th day, the flames will envelop me inside their firey grasp, and my body will be nothing more than a single black char on the heated ground...
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