Dealing With Disaster ((Cabel and Leilani))

[Teigra]

"Kind of like a mirror?" Cabel questioned, frowning. Then he shrugged. Maybe it was.

"I don't know," he muttered, crossing his arms over his knees and resting his chin on them. While the sea was beautiful to look at, there was something...grander about it, as if it couldn't be fully comprehended by any particular individual. "I suppose I just assumed that if it were a conscious entity, even the sea couldn't witness all the sorrow and dismay in the world without mourning in its own fashion."

"I can't imagine the sea being that heartless."  

[DaemonGabrielle]

She gave a dark chuckle. "Why not? Surely it would go mad having to witness every being's suffering and unable to do something about it." she answered him, closing her eyes against the flood of images from her past.

"Would you not turn cold if you had to watch others suffer everyday? " she wondered, leveling him with a curious stare. "Just shut yourself off so that the pain no longer affected you?" she asked, no longer talking baout the sea.  

[Teigra]

"Maybe it already has," Cabel mused, still staring out at the sea. That would explain how the great waters could shift so quickly from peaceful and serene to tumultuous and violent. Was he really so different? Maybe he really had gone mad already.

"Perhaps," he replied, no hint towards personal experience. "But when you shut yourself off from the pain, there's no specifics for that locked gate." He turned his head, meeting her gaze. "You shut off the pain, yes, but also the pleasure. You break yourself away from all things good and bad that are a part of life and living. You become distant, losing contact...losing yourself. You may as well be dead, because you can't call it living anymore."

His tone waxed and waned, picking up speed and energy as he seemed to be getting wrapped up in what he was saying, almost as if it were a cathartic release. Then, he slowed, trailing off with a sad shake of his head. After a moment, he continued in a quieter voice, but it was hard to tell if he was still talking to Leili or to himself.

"If only there was a way to separate the aspects of the connection. To be able to create relationships, connections with others, and yet, be able to spare oneself any possible future pain resulting from such. To take the good, but let the bad slough off, like rain from a duck's back..."  

[DaemonGabrielle]

Leilani sighed, leaning her forehead onto her knees. "But you can't." she muttered miserably. "Every little thing becomes so bright and vivid that it hurts. Wether it be pain or pleasure." she whispered, feeling the tears start to p***k her eyes again.

Wiping her eyes roughly on her bony knees, she looked back out to the sea, this time resting her chin and mouth against her knees caps. "It's almost as if a broken heart can no longer distinguish among foe or ally. It just hurts. And sometimes pain causes plasure and pleasure causes pain and sometimes it's just not worth fighting anymore." she said, her words rushed as she started crying again; soft, silent sobs.  

[Teigra]

Cabel sighed as well, nodding in agreement. "Even the well-meaning ones that want to help only end up causing more pain most of the time. It's a choice between pain and death...not much of a choice really." His tone was slightly bitter, betraying his frustration with the matter. Still, there had to be a way...there had to be another choice there somewhere.

That old ache was starting again, the one in his chest. It felt like a tightness, drawing up more and more, 'til it was physically uncomfortable. That ache...the one that showed he cared...cared about someone else's condition, someone outside his family at that.

Dammit all, wasn't this exactly what they were talking about? The pain of caring.

He subconsciously reached up, clutching weakly at his chest with a grimace. If only there was a way to cut it out...

"There's always something left to fight for, even if you're not sure what it is," he muttered, knowing full well that she was crying again. Honestly, he wanted to comfort her, but sadly, the only form of comfort he knew of required physical contact. A touch. A hug.

Somehow, he didn't think either would be appreciated.

So he kept talking instead.

"For all I've lost," he started sadly, letting her sob without acknowledgment, since she seemed to cope better privately without attention, "I still have my daughter. She's about all I have left, but she's also the only reason I'm still fighting anything. If I hadn't had her...I'd have likely given up completely. I thought I had anyway for a while."

His own eyes stinging, he pushed on, despite the growing lump in his throat making it more difficult to speak. "She...I'm not sure she even needs me anymore. And I only hope I haven't done anything to hurt her, to weigh her down with my own sorrow and pain. She...she doesn't deserve that..." His voice cracked and he chose to trail off at that before he lost further control. As it was, his view of the horizon was blurry, despite his rapid blinking.  

[DaemonGabrielle]

Leilani frowned, the emotions in his voice disturbing her own senses for osme reason, unaware that it was because they reminded her of her own feelings. Wiping her tear streaked face, she fought back the sobs for what felt like t the hundreth time that day.

She agreed with him though. She had her own friends that suffered from the hell she was going to. She hated knowing that she hurt them but at the same time she couldn't help it. And she told the older pae that outloud.

"I don't think we can help ourselves. No matter how hard we try, we can only be normal or pretend to be at least, for so long. They're bound to notice how much we've changed. How hard our souls have become." Or how we no longer deserve the affections they're so eager to give us. She didn't say the last part outloud though.

"I also think that they don't mind our sorrow as much as we do though." She said, thinking of Theron's attempts to bring her out of her dark moods and make sure she took care of herself on her bad days. "They're blinded by love and emotions that we no longer understand or choose to accept. That's why we feel so bad for hurting them. That's my theory, anyway." she said with a sad shrug.  

[Teigra]

Discretely reaching up and rubbing his eyes, Cabel glanced back at Leili with a frown. "So basically, you're saying...we're broken. Beyond repair and there's nothing we can do about it. That's pretty depressing." Granted, it was pretty much what he'd already assumed about himself, but hearing it put into words and spoken aloud somehow made it hit home all the harder.

Still, the thought that maybe his daughter wasn't permanently affected by his own despair was encouraging in a way. Above all else, he never wanted to hurt her, and that included affecting her life negatively in any way with his own actions. It hurt him to realize the trouble he caused her with his own depression.

But, Cabel didn't believe that he didn't understand emotions like love anymore. And he certainly still accepted them. He loved his daughter and she loved him. He knew that much.

"I think...it's more that I understand those emotions better now than before," he voiced out loud, continuing his train of thought. "It's not that we can't feel love and concern...otherwise we'd not feel bad for hurting them. It's that...we know there's two sides of every emotion. That love is good...but with it comes pain. It's not just a happy feeling with no strings attached, not anymore."

"It's like growing up...you live and learn, and eventually leave innocence behind. Whether you like it or not, time moves on and you can't go backwards."  

[DaemonGabrielle]

Leilani shook her head, unable to form a reply nor really caring to think of one. The subject was hitting too close to home and she was having to think entirely too much about things that still ripped her insides like hot irons. And she could handle neither at this point in her life. At least not without the pain dealing with those emotions caused.

Remaining silent, she dusted the sand off her legs in jerky motions, careless motions, trying to act as though she was suddenly bored. Maybe he would get the point without her having to actually voice it. That she didn't want to go any further with this conversation. But she didn't want to outright walk away like she had done so many times with Theron either, because unlike Theron, she had the odd feeling that this stranger would actually know why she was running away. And she didn't like someone knowing her that intimately. It made her skin crawl.  

[Teigra]

While the two lapsed into sudden silence once more, still Cabel couldn't shut off his mind. Now that he'd started the thoughts, he couldn't stop them. Was that the truth then? He'd finally grown up at last, learning the truth about life and the world? There were no more rosy glasses that made the world always bright or always happy. No such thing. There were moments, brief flashes of those days, but the reality was more harsh, the colors dull and faded. The picture seemed less ideal, less like that storybook land of fairy tales and countless happy endings. Where were the happy endings now? He supposed that some still existed somewhere...for someone.

Just not everyone.

Just not him.

Or her.

He frowned, glancing over at the angel. She had her invisible walls up again, that much was certain from her posture and her silence. Unlikely he'd get much else out of her today. Then again, on a more personal note, he wasn't sure he wanted to go much further with the conversation either. So now what?

"It's getting kinda' late," he mused, half to himself. He wasn't about to just leave her here, even if she'd changed her mind and didn't want him around. He couldn't do that. Plus, where did he really have to be today anyway? Nowhere in particular.

So, taking a cue from his observations earlier, he piped up, "Hey, Leili? You hungry? My daughter makes a wonderful fruit salad, and I'm sure I could find a few things to throw together a rough picnic. I could go get some things from home...you can wait here if you'd rather not come with... If you don't trust me, I mean. It's fine. I'll bring some things back and we'll have a simple picnic on the beach. Just us and the sea. How's that sound?"  

[DaemonGabrielle]

Leilani jumped on the idea. Anything to get them away from their current conversation. Plastering a smile on her face, she nodded. "That sounds good. But I don't really wanna sit here by myself and wait." Oddly enough, after sitting her for what felt like forever with another living, breathing pae, she didn't want to go back to being by herself. Not yet, anyways.

Jumping up, she dusted real sand off of her legs and pointed the opposite way of where the orange pae was headed. "How about I grab a few things from my house too? It's not fair that you have to feed the poor damaged hula girl all by yourself. Least I can do is feed you back, right?" she asked, somewhat rushed and nervous about how friendly she sounded. She hadn't really had the greatest contact experience since her return home.  

[Teigra]

"Err...you don't have to if you don't want to," Cabel started, reaching for his staff to lean on while he climbed to his feet, brushing off sand. "I mean, just so you don't feel pressured. I don't want to impose," he continued, smiling a bit. He was torn for a moment, thinking she may not want him following her to her home. And yet, hadn't she just said she didn't want to sit here by herself and wait?

So, keeping at a respectful distance, Cabel followed after the angel with a chuckle. "Perhaps between the both of us, we can throw together something more like a meal, hmm?"  

[DaemonGabrielle]

The small angel shrugged, now on a topic she was much more comfortable with. Cooking. Somewhat nervous with the man follwoing, she choose ot ignore it. Maybe if the old bitties in the village saw her with an actual pae besides Theron, they'd leave her alone. Thin she was normal again.

"I doubt it. I don't think I've been to the store in ages. I'll be lucky if I have moldy cheese..." she muttered, embarrased a bit by her neglectfulness.  

[Teigra]

Cabel was a bit amused by the mention of a 'store', but made no comment. Honestly, he was so used to gathering everything he needed from the forest, he almost forgot that not all Pae did that. In fact, he himself had been spending more time lately at HQ rather than the forest, and sometimes took supplies from there that he couldn't get otherwise. He'd just been so used to the habits he'd developed with her...

Shoving that thought aside, unwilling to let his mood dip once more, he chuckled a bit at Leili's admission. "Ah well. Could always save it? I hear some of those can be used as medicine?" he offered lamely. Something he'd read once in the HQ while looking for something else, so he'd probably misremembered it anyway.

"Then again, maybe best to play it safe and not keep it," he chuckled again, fingering his staff's ornamentation as he walked nearby. "Could take this as an opportunity to take stock of what you need, at least. I can suggest some good places in the forest to gather fresh fruits and vegetables, if you're interested."

It'd been a long time since Cabel had taken part in such...casual conversation. It was odd...and yet, reassuring on another level.  

[DaemonGabrielle]

Leilani gave a honest snort at his mention of use for molded cheese. "Trust me, if it's still in my fridge at this point, the only thing it's good for is making someone as green as it is." she bantered back. Casual conversation had never eally failed Leilani. It was the easiest way to keep people at a distance without letting them in. The only person she seemed unable to conversate with was Theron. Then again, he wouldn't let her pretend. MAybe that was why she was a little more comfortable with Cabel than other pae. He let her get away with things.

Leilanni shook her head without hesitation at his offer. "I don't like the forest." she said quickly, making the small turn onto the path to her village.  

[Teigra]

Somewhat taken aback by her swift answer, even at this point, Cabel blinked a bit and nodded. "Err, okay then, no forest. The beach can be a good place to gather necessary supplies too." He would have explained about the HQ too, but was that too far into the forest for her?

He followed her, obediently, but at a distance so as not to make her any more uncomfortable than she likely was already. Somehow, this seemed to be a series of actions far outside her comfort zone. Then again, that just meant that the both of them were taking abnormal steps today. Who knew, maybe that was a good thing?

"Probably about time I restock myself," he muttered, absentmindedly staring off as they walked. "Been letting things go lately...Eudora's not been around as much to remind me of these things..."