Sexuality conflictions ?!?! Feminine understanding ?!

[DeliriousInnovations]

Hey.
I haven't been on gaia for a really long time, but I remember I really loved this guild.

I'm in kind of a weird/shifting place in my life right now. I'm almost 22 years old, and am very comfortable in my genderqueer identity. HOWEVER. I have one thing that is really, very bothersome to me: I have very little access to my feminine.

And by very little access, I mean that I love OUTER feminine. I love to dress up, apply makeup, all of that, especially when I'm feeling more "feminine". But I lack feminine understanding. To the point that since I was a kid, I've never envisioned myself subconsciously as a woman (always been a guy in my dreams) and even my romantic fantasies have always been man on man.

Which is... Weird, because I really feel like there's this void in me where my feminine understanding should be.

For awhile I was convinced I was trans, and wanted to transition completely masculinely, but I favored expressing my feminine self, which is why I prefer a more queer/fluid identity.

I've never had any "girl friends", as in, women that are close friends. I've never dated a woman or had romantic relations OR fantasies about a woman, but I find myself envying her. Or even wanting to protect her. Sometimes even snuggle, but that almost feels off-limits. I also LOVE feminine attention — Like, I want to be a drag king. That's a legitimate goal of mine right now.

Am I somehow subconsciously suppressing my feminine?
WHAT THE HELL DO I DO TO FIX THIS?

It's driving me nuts.
It's like I'm wearing feminine but not understanding/valuing it. I feel like a lame magazine cover or something.
Sorry this is so long. I hope I posted it in the right place. xD

*** EDIT: I thought I'd include that I was born biologically female. Just.. In case that's helpful somehow.  

[DeliriousInnovations]

Anyone? D:  

[Juno Burch]

Hi there, my name is Kat, I'm a woman and I'm straight emotion_yatta
I actually have a lot of guy friends and only a few really goof girl friends, I've always been able to hang out with guys more easily for what ever reason I just feel more natural, like I can be myself.
So from what Ive read about you it sounds like while you are in a woman's body, you identify with the male sign and seem to be struggling with embracing your feminine side. I actually believe MOST men have this internal struggle, I grew up mostly with my father and I could tell he always struggled trying to play the father and mother roll, for some men embracing their femininity come easily and for others its confusing and literally a sort of mental block.
I really started to understand this more while my husband and I were going through our first (and so far only emotion_bigheart ) pregnancy. Unlike me he doesn't openly talk about his feelings, I think its just hard for him to let down his guard, but he began to really open up to me as the pregnancy progressed.
He told me sometimes he doesn't feel connected to our baby and he envy's my connecting to her , like he's a third wheel. I also noticed that during times when I'd be particularly emotional , he would be also. We need up sharing a lot of similar almost identical behaviors.
After she was born I saw this change in him, whenever he looked at his baby girl in the face like he wasn't struggling to connect with her any more.
I remember him telling me how scared he was to have a daughter because he wasn't sure how he'd "deal" with some enviable situations (situations that would differ if we had had a baby boy).
It took some time but he did begin to open up to his feminine side, so I believe it will just take time and understanding to begin to relate to your feminine side.
Since you were born female its not surprising you'd feel the need to be more in touch with that side of yourself, you could try getting more in touch with your body in a healthy way like meditation or yoga. You could take a class with a womans group ( I actually lead a womans yoga class on saturdays at my house 3nodding ) I find it to me very empowering and I get to connect with other girls, which usually isn't easy for me. whee

Sorry about the Novela sweatdrop ! Haha I hope this is helpful anyways! yum_puddi  

[DeliriousInnovations]

AbadeerEvergreen

Hi there, my name is Kat, I'm a woman and I'm straight emotion_yatta
I actually have a lot of guy friends and only a few really goof girl friends, I've always been able to hang out with guys more easily for what ever reason I just feel more natural, like I can be myself.
So from what Ive read about you it sounds like while you are in a woman's body, you identify with the male sign and seem to be struggling with embracing your feminine side. I actually believe MOST men have this internal struggle, I grew up mostly with my father and I could tell he always struggled trying to play the father and mother roll, for some men embracing their femininity come easily and for others its confusing and literally a sort of mental block.
I really started to understand this more while my husband and I were going through our first (and so far only emotion_bigheart ) pregnancy. Unlike me he doesn't openly talk about his feelings, I think its just hard for him to let down his guard, but he began to really open up to me as the pregnancy progressed.
He told me sometimes he doesn't feel connected to our baby and he envy's my connecting to her , like he's a third wheel. I also noticed that during times when I'd be particularly emotional , he would be also. We need up sharing a lot of similar almost identical behaviors.
After she was born I saw this change in him, whenever he looked at his baby girl in the face like he wasn't struggling to connect with her any more.
I remember him telling me how scared he was to have a daughter because he wasn't sure how he'd "deal" with some enviable situations (situations that would differ if we had had a baby boy).
It took some time but he did begin to open up to his feminine side, so I believe it will just take time and understanding to begin to relate to your feminine side.
Since you were born female its not surprising you'd feel the need to be more in touch with that side of yourself, you could try getting more in touch with your body in a healthy way like meditation or yoga. You could take a class with a womans group ( I actually lead a womans yoga class on saturdays at my house 3nodding ) I find it to me very empowering and I get to connect with other girls, which usually isn't easy for me. whee

Sorry about the Novela sweatdrop ! Haha I hope this is helpful anyways! yum_puddi

Sorry for taking so long to get back to you, thanks for the response!

I'm going to delve into detail here so i hope its okay lol. I wish that it were as simple that I were biologically female and identified as male. I know that I'm genderqueer, but it's been difficult figuring out the details of what variation i feel is most authentic to me. Since I was a kid I've loved writing and playing male characters, and my fantasies have always been mxm. I've never had fantasies, from the beginnings of my sexuality to currently, of women. I love straight porn, but by default, my fantasies have and always been of gay men.

But in real life, I find it extremely hard to trust men. I have fall //hard// for men when I find a guy that I'm particularly attracted to, and it hink the distrust might stem from me not being able to express my sexual identity, or even the full scope of my gender identity?

I love femininity. I do. I love, LOVE, makeup and my mannerisms would probably considered by this society as 'feminine'. But when I look in the mirror, I always need a mix of some kind, which usually leads me to put on faux beards with glamour makeup or some mix; and this is the part that KILLS ME. Because I'm very much a person that doesn't like hiding myself. I've appreciated makeup but have used it as a crutch, and I feel really sad that the only way I feel comfortable is WITH makeup, with this mixed gender identity painted up on my face. I can't look in the mirror and be satisfied with looking like a woman, nor can i simply make myself up to look like a man; there needs to be a mix. and because i cant pull off that 'mix' without makeup, it makes me sad. very sad.

I dunno, I just don't know what to do here. I've considered taking T to achieve that mixed balance that might really work for me, but I'm anxious to, because I'm a singer and I actually love my voice, it's deep ENOUGH and pretty androgynous (to me). Having boobs definitely bothers me, but I love the sensitivity. It's just.. Ugh. All so confusing.

I actually do dance/meditation/yoga! C: Which is good for centering myself. I can't do a womens group right now, (funding issues) but i have started taking an acting class at the local junior college to try to challenge/let myself express those old parts of myself that liked to act and play. BUT. It has also brought up some old baggage, particularly of WHY i feel so compelled to play as men. Like... There's going to be an authentic Shakespeare play at my school, with an all-male cast even for hte female roles, and I immediately went to a defensive place. I was like, UGH. I WANT TO BE IN THAT PLAY. But.. I'm biologically female. ********. Sorry for the rant. I'm just really trying to figure this out. D:  

[linkisi]

I feel we are in the same boat only on different sides of the gender issue. I'm very much a male and I have no real feminine features to me once so ever plus a deeper voice and so on. I've always loved dresses, skirts, corsets, and makeup to a point but I would never put any on. I've always had dreams since I was 9 being a sailor scout redface (thank you sailor moon) and having many dreams about being a woman. I only let my hair grow out and I love to braid it and play with it. I find it's the only way I can feel feminine, I just put it in a pony or straighten it when I go in public, makes me look like an old style poet 3nodding lol. I tend to keep closed up and I shut out most of the world because issues in my past.

I ended up playing MMO's so much and RPing as a woman the entire time. I wouldn't tell my IRL friends about the RP character I played I would just play with them on a normal server and if they ask why I play a female the response is cause "I rather look at a females body for hours on end rather than a males" when secretly I wish I was that character. I even joined gaia with a female avatar and joined a few lesbian RP guilds, I felt terrible deceiving them and not telling them that I was actually a male but it helped me feel accepted and I was actually happy. It turned into my form of escapism and even though I could never truly be a female I always ended up feeling it was close enough.

As I get older I notice my desires for being more feminine is peeking again and I have come to the point that I've thought about taking hormones but no matter how long I take the hormones or reconstructive surgeries I know that if I stop taking them I will start bringing out more of my male characteristics (and there are a lot of them) and I don't want to be dependent on pills all my life. I also don't want to force my voice up an octave cause that strains the throat after awhile. I guess I've come to the point where I kinda accepted being a male. If there is ever a way to just transplant my being into a female body I would in a heart beat but as for now I think it just comes down to not letting it completely discourage you. I know it has me and that's probably why I clicked on your post cause I've been feeling the same way especially over the past few weeks. Reading your post put me kinda at ease knowing that there is someone else out there who feels the same way for the most part. I hope this kinda helps in a way. IDK though I wouldn't mind talking about it more with you, so feel free to pm me if you want too 3nodding :3

Also, women would disguise themselves as men to act in Shakespearean plays cause they wanted to be part of it too. So it's like a whole cross-dressing party lol xd  

[Professor Cypress]

I hope I'm not too late to this party.

Hi everyone, I'm biologically male,straight, but I'm into crossdressing, maybe I can help y'all with some ideas.

Linkisi,Delirious, I believe I know what you're both talking about when it comes to expressing one trait of the same and/or opposite sex, but lemme tell you, once you're able to find your gniche, it's wonderful!

Delirious, for trying to express your femininity, maybe you should try doing some of the typical things most girls/women would do, like go shopping [at least window shop/browse], try more bright, perky and girly colours when it comes to clothing and makeup such as pink nail polish and some vibrant red lipstick. Like cute dresses can definitely help, especially if you want to try and do some androgynous as well. My idea is to try and look towards the earlier careers of David Bowie and Phillip Oakey, they're musicians that were very big in the '80s and during their careers like other male singers, they went VERY androgynous in their looks to keep up with the trends in fashion and the music world. Oakey sings with The Human League; check the music video for "Only Human", you can start to see what I mean. Also, maybe check out Barbie sometimes for some ideas, and some other fictional characters that are brimming with femininity. That's what I do.

Linkisi, don't you worry either, guys like us tend to dip in and out of our feminine/masculine feel as we get older, because I do it a lot too. But if you can and if you have a sister that's around your age or a mother around, try using their clothes to crossdress in. Granted, it's kinda strange at first, but after a while, it feels very good, it can even feel....right, in a sense. Just be careful to not get caught or anything, just in case, y'know? But there are other ways to work yourself up to that or just to express for feminine side, you could secretly paint your toenails with any of their nail polishes around, I say toenails because it's a lot less likely to be seen by anyone else.

If you both want some more advice and help, I'd be happy to talk to you both, I love making new like-minded friends up here. But I also HIGHLY SUGGEST to you a cartoon show called "She-Zow!" It's a show about this boy who inherits his aunt's ring after she passed away, and the ring's power turns him into a superhero, but the thing is, the ring is supposed to be worn by a girl! So everytime he fights crime, he becomes She-Zow, and it turns him into a girl aesthetically, even down to the car he drives. It goes even deeper when he meets his parallel world counterpart who's biologically a girl, but her transforms her into a boy superhero.

But sorry for the long text, but that's my two cents on the whole thing right now.  

[Professor Cypress]

linkisi

I feel we are in the same boat only on different sides of the gender issue. I'm very much a male and I have no real feminine features to me once so ever plus a deeper voice and so on. I've always loved dresses, skirts, corsets, and makeup to a point but I would never put any on. I've always had dreams since I was 9 being a sailor scout redface (thank you sailor moon) and having many dreams about being a woman. I only let my hair grow out and I love to braid it and play with it. I find it's the only way I can feel feminine, I just put it in a pony or straighten it when I go in public, makes me look like an old style poet 3nodding lol. I tend to keep closed up and I shut out most of the world because issues in my past.

I ended up playing MMO's so much and RPing as a woman the entire time. I wouldn't tell my IRL friends about the RP character I played I would just play with them on a normal server and if they ask why I play a female the response is cause "I rather look at a females body for hours on end rather than a males" when secretly I wish I was that character. I even joined gaia with a female avatar and joined a few lesbian RP guilds, I felt terrible deceiving them and not telling them that I was actually a male but it helped me feel accepted and I was actually happy. It turned into my form of escapism and even though I could never truly be a female I always ended up feeling it was close enough.

As I get older I notice my desires for being more feminine is peeking again and I have come to the point that I've thought about taking hormones but no matter how long I take the hormones or reconstructive surgeries I know that if I stop taking them I will start bringing out more of my male characteristics (and there are a lot of them) and I don't want to be dependent on pills all my life. I also don't want to force my voice up an octave cause that strains the throat after awhile. I guess I've come to the point where I kinda accepted being a male. If there is ever a way to just transplant my being into a female body I would in a heart beat but as for now I think it just comes down to not letting it completely discourage you. I know it has me and that's probably why I clicked on your post cause I've been feeling the same way especially over the past few weeks. Reading your post put me kinda at ease knowing that there is someone else out there who feels the same way for the most part. I hope this kinda helps in a way. IDK though I wouldn't mind talking about it more with you, so feel free to pm me if you want too 3nodding :3

Also, women would disguise themselves as men to act in Shakespearean plays cause they wanted to be part of it too. So it's like a whole cross-dressing party lol xd

I hope I'm not too late to this party.

Hi everyone, I'm biologically male,straight, but I'm into crossdressing, maybe I can help y'all with some ideas.

Linkisi,Delirious, I believe I know what you're both talking about when it comes to expressing one trait of the same and/or opposite sex, but lemme tell you, once you're able to find your gniche, it's wonderful!

Delirious, for trying to express your femininity, maybe you should try doing some of the typical things most girls/women would do, like go shopping [at least window shop/browse], try more bright, perky and girly colours when it comes to clothing and makeup such as pink nail polish and some vibrant red lipstick. Like cute dresses can definitely help, especially if you want to try and do some androgynous as well. My idea is to try and look towards the earlier careers of David Bowie and Phillip Oakey, they're musicians that were very big in the '80s and during their careers like other male singers, they went VERY androgynous in their looks to keep up with the trends in fashion and the music world. Oakey sings with The Human League; check the music video for "Only Human", you can start to see what I mean. Also, maybe check out Barbie sometimes for some ideas, and some other fictional characters that are brimming with femininity. That's what I do.

Linkisi, don't you worry either, guys like us tend to dip in and out of our feminine/masculine feel as we get older, because I do it a lot too. But if you can and if you have a sister that's around your age or a mother around, try using their clothes to crossdress in. Granted, it's kinda strange at first, but after a while, it feels very good, it can even feel....right, in a sense. Just be careful to not get caught or anything, just in case, y'know? But there are other ways to work yourself up to that or just to express for feminine side, you could secretly paint your toenails with any of their nail polishes around, I say toenails because it's a lot less likely to be seen by anyone else.

If you both want some more advice and help, I'd be happy to talk to you both, I love making new like-minded friends up here. But I also HIGHLY SUGGEST to you a cartoon show called "She-Zow!" It's a show about this boy who inherits his aunt's ring after she passed away, and the ring's power turns him into a superhero, but the thing is, the ring is supposed to be worn by a girl! So everytime he fights crime, he becomes She-Zow, and it turns him into a girl aesthetically, even down to the car he drives. It goes even deeper when he meets his parallel world counterpart who's biologically a girl, but her transforms her into a boy superhero.

But sorry for the long text, but that's my two cents on the whole thing right now.  

[Professor Cypress]

DeliriousInnovations

Hey.
I haven't been on gaia for a really long time, but I remember I really loved this guild.

I'm in kind of a weird/shifting place in my life right now. I'm almost 22 years old, and am very comfortable in my genderqueer identity. HOWEVER. I have one thing that is really, very bothersome to me: I have very little access to my feminine.

And by very little access, I mean that I love OUTER feminine. I love to dress up, apply makeup, all of that, especially when I'm feeling more "feminine". But I lack feminine understanding. To the point that since I was a kid, I've never envisioned myself subconsciously as a woman (always been a guy in my dreams) and even my romantic fantasies have always been man on man.

Which is... Weird, because I really feel like there's this void in me where my feminine understanding should be.

For awhile I was convinced I was trans, and wanted to transition completely masculinely, but I favored expressing my feminine self, which is why I prefer a more queer/fluid identity.

I've never had any "girl friends", as in, women that are close friends. I've never dated a woman or had romantic relations OR fantasies about a woman, but I find myself envying her. Or even wanting to protect her. Sometimes even snuggle, but that almost feels off-limits. I also LOVE feminine attention — Like, I want to be a drag king. That's a legitimate goal of mine right now.

Am I somehow subconsciously suppressing my feminine?
WHAT THE HELL DO I DO TO FIX THIS?

It's driving me nuts.
It's like I'm wearing feminine but not understanding/valuing it. I feel like a lame magazine cover or something.
Sorry this is so long. I hope I posted it in the right place. xD

*** EDIT: I thought I'd include that I was born biologically female. Just.. In case that's helpful somehow.

I hope I'm not too late to this party.

Hi everyone, I'm biologically male,straight, but I'm into crossdressing, maybe I can help y'all with some ideas.

Linkisi,Delirious, I believe I know what you're both talking about when it comes to expressing one trait of the same and/or opposite sex, but lemme tell you, once you're able to find your gniche, it's wonderful!

Delirious, for trying to express your femininity, maybe you should try doing some of the typical things most girls/women would do, like go shopping [at least window shop/browse], try more bright, perky and girly colours when it comes to clothing and makeup such as pink nail polish and some vibrant red lipstick. Like cute dresses can definitely help, especially if you want to try and do some androgynous as well. My idea is to try and look towards the earlier careers of David Bowie and Phillip Oakey, they're musicians that were very big in the '80s and during their careers like other male singers, they went VERY androgynous in their looks to keep up with the trends in fashion and the music world. Oakey sings with The Human League; check the music video for "Only Human", you can start to see what I mean. Also, maybe check out Barbie sometimes for some ideas, and some other fictional characters that are brimming with femininity. That's what I do.

Linkisi, don't you worry either, guys like us tend to dip in and out of our feminine/masculine feel as we get older, because I do it a lot too. But if you can and if you have a sister that's around your age or a mother around, try using their clothes to crossdress in. Granted, it's kinda strange at first, but after a while, it feels very good, it can even feel....right, in a sense. Just be careful to not get caught or anything, just in case, y'know? But there are other ways to work yourself up to that or just to express for feminine side, you could secretly paint your toenails with any of their nail polishes around, I say toenails because it's a lot less likely to be seen by anyone else.

If you both want some more advice and help, I'd be happy to talk to you both, I love making new like-minded friends up here. But I also HIGHLY SUGGEST to you a cartoon show called "She-Zow!" It's a show about this boy who inherits his aunt's ring after she passed away, and the ring's power turns him into a superhero, but the thing is, the ring is supposed to be worn by a girl! So everytime he fights crime, he becomes She-Zow, and it turns him into a girl aesthetically, even down to the car he drives. It goes even deeper when he meets his parallel world counterpart who's biologically a girl, but her transforms her into a boy superhero.

But sorry for the long text, but that's my two cents on the whole thing right now.  

[Professor Cypress]

Sorry, I didn't know how to reply to two different posters.