Amara's (Mostly) Relationship Diary

[AmaraStarr]

This looks like fun. I haven't read anyone else's yet, so I don't know what the general format may be, but I'll have a good poke around I'm sure. I'll write a little summary about myself before I start off.

* I'm a lesbian-leaning demisexual (must form a strong friendship with someone before I'll consider the relationship viable). I call myself bisexual for simplicity.

* I'm 21 years old. I took two years out of education after failing to get along with university. I'm going to start uni again in September '14 to do Computer Science.

* I practice polyamory (literal definition: "multiple loves"). This is where you have multiple relationships at once, and is not to be confused with an open relationship or swinging which are different concepts. Each relationship in polyamory is a full relationship with dedication, and it requires lots and lots of trust and communication. The opposite of polyamory is monogamy, where you have one partner.

* I am quite a bit of a nerd concerning the topic of polyamory. I came to the realisation that it's something I could do when I heard the sentence, "Love is infinite." To me, logically, it makes absolutely no sense why all the romantic love I could have must be confined to one relationship, as long as each partner I have doesn't change my or their feelings about existing partners. I also understand that polyamory isn't for everyone, so I won't preach its practises to anyone if they're unwilling to hear about it.

* I have recently been diagnosed as falling somewhere on the Autistic spectrum, so some things may be approached far too logically, or I might have some misunderstandings about obvious things. For this, I apologise for in advanced.

* I also suffer from depression and social anxiety which rears its ugly head every now and then. I'm currently on 20mg fluoxetine tablets to help me through days and ease the ups and down. They're really helping.

~AmaraStarr

 

[AmaraStarr]

Sunday 29th June 2014

Soo, this is my first post in this diary! I'll describe my current situation. I'm at home, in the flat I'm renting with my boyfriend who I'll refer to as K. I have horrendously sensitive skin at the moment, where any irritation (heat, pressure, tight clothes, humidity, tickling hair) causes a rash to erupt. I'm not sure what that's about. Bleh. Note to self: Need to call doctor.

It's 2am. I should sleep now, but I really want to make a post summarising my current situation! I suppose I'm stressing out a little about moving across the country to the same city as my girlfriend, who I'll refer to as A. I haven't even started packing yet, and I haven't cancelled my utility bills. I've been sleeping horribly recently, and I've barely felt in the mood to be intimate with K. Things seem to be all good though - he understands. He's great like that.

I haven't contacted A in a while, but that's okay too. She's been busy with packing up her own house, in the process of moving, too. I hope things aren't too stressful for her. I miss her. A lot.

All right, I'm yawning way too much now. I'm going to end this post here.

~AmaraStarr

 

[AmaraStarr]

Thursday 10th July 2014

I've been packing and cleaning the flat frantically the past few days. I'm moving on Saturday, and I've kinda been worried about being removed from the guild due to inactivity because of how tired I am, that I'm next to incapable of socialising. I then realised I have a place to just ramble without fear! Hurrah for journal topics.

Anyways... I've never done this extent of cleaning before, using chemicals which make me choke the following day, painting over scratches, hoovering massive piles of dust and hair, delimescaling the bathtub and taps, turning whole rooms upside-down, dismantling all sorts of furniture... Life is utterly tiring at the moment, so much that I can barely do more than lay down in bed and idly browse through Facebook, tumblr, my email, etc.

Nothing interesting has happened in terms of relationships, so basically all's going swimmingly. Recently I've been contacted on okcupid again by random people. The conversations aren't that thrilling, but, eh. I'm still responding to them because it's something to do.

Sometimes I wish I had a close friend on Gaia who understands me better and who isn't kinda... immature and troll-y all the time. So far I've found a few people to mess around with but it really requires a lot of energy from me and most of the time I feel zombified/drained after hanging out with them. I kinda suffered because of that during my first week coming back to Gaia - K told me I wasn't really myself when I asked him how my behaviour's been the past few weeks.

I've recently been getting back into Animorphs (yes, that old series!). The books a're definitely written for children, but I love the light-hearted sci-fi fantasy and the interesting moral choices which are presented in some books... Though most of the time it's either 100% good or 100% bad - and real life's not really like that, but oh well. On the subject of books, I've also been reading A Fraction of the Whole, and recently passed the half mark of this pretty long and rambly book. Gosh, it's so rambly, but totally worth it in its humour and randomness.

This is probably boring! I'll stop now. Until next time, fellow Gaians.

~AmaraStarr

 

[AmaraStarr]

Monday 21st July 2014

I'm currently at A's flat, having an overnight night. -grins- I've moved into my new flat which is only a few minutes' walk away from hers, and ahh, life is great at the moment. I love this new place, and I love the people who I get to see and the things I can do. It's so much nicer than my previous flat and town. I'm so happy!

I'm super proud of my two glorious partners. They're both getting on with each other really well, and things are communicated and everyone's happy. I feel like my relationship with K is much closer because I'm now generally happier, and our trust has reached a lovely level. Moving flat is pretty stressful and we've managed to go through that pretty smoothly!

Life couldn't get any better than it is for me right now. I mean, sure, I have a fair few anxieties about the future. For instance, I'm so unsure about starting university again and I'm nervous about the learning process. I'm worried I'm forgetting something adulty - like setting up bills and notifying people of address changes and stuff which involve copious amounts of money. But these are all things in the future. Right now, in this present moment, I'm great. My flat is lovely and spacious, and I have loads of food and I've felt so energetic recently. And I love these two people so much; they really, really do make me me.

~AmaraStarr

 

[AmaraStarr]

Tuesday 9th September 2014

It's been a while since I last wrote here. A lot of personal stuff has happened. You know how I was super happy in my last post regarding relationship stuff? Well that's just gone. I can't help but think that the main reason why I moved here has just poofed - A doesn't feel polyamorous after over 2 years... and it was a messy situation. I broke up with her because I couldn't handle how she was conveying this (which was mainly silence and short answers), and she seems to feel like that way I took everything has been horrible.

I'm not in a happy place at the moment, but I'm not in a terrible place. I have tons of friends (even though they're online) and a lovely other partner, K, who supports me through everything. I tried talking to A yesterday, but she kinda sprung a load of criticism on me, and instead of defending myself, I just took it all and apologised. It really hurt, but I know I'm not supposed to be hurt by any of this. I'm just supposed to get over her and be one of her few friends now.

I definitely went through the stages of grief here. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. I'm still bouncing between depression and acceptance.

Well, that's the end of my amazing new update on my personal life which no one really cares about here. xP

~AmaraStarr

 

[AmaraStarr]

Sunday 5th July 2015

I've not been on Gaia Online in a long long time. I think my last post here was actually the last time I decided to do anything beyond log in and very quickly closing that tab.

Heh, I'm 22 years old, and I still feel ridiculously emotional and can't get my s**t together when it comes to relationships. I've been fancying someone for over a year now, but I can't do anything about it because I just don't have the guts and maybe I just don't click with them anyway! I'm also interested in someone new, but they barely talk to me, and I feel like the amount I talk is unnecessarily too much and maybe I should back off.

I've had a ridiculously socially anxious last two weeks. I've not known what to do with myself, and I'm desperate to socialise with people, but from a safe space because when I go out and talk to friends I end up in a very very bad place in my mind (panic attacks, crying fits that last for hours, lots of self criticism). I'm starting therapy again, but my god, who knows whether that's going to work out. Urk.

Maybe I'll try Gaia-ing again. I wouldn't count Gaia Towns as a safe space, but hey, I can leave and curl up in bed if I need to. If I'm outside, like half an hour's walk away from town... that's not a safe space.

~AmaraStarr