Username: galen peder
Story Title: captain adventure at the edge of space
Story Fandom: (not applicable)
Rating: G
Genre: absurdist dark philosophical (just read it and find out)
Summary: a space captain explores the edges of space
URL/Story Text:
Captain Adventure was a space hero.
He had been the first adventurer to find actual life on the moon, the heptapus; it leeched through space and grappled the moon's surface with its five ridiculous tentacles. The moon heptapus was the only known heptapus in the Solar System although in the Alpha system there were two other heptapi species, one which lived in a liquid combination of hydrogen, oxygen, and mostly nitrogen, the other of which hopped asteroids sucking nutrients from them.
He was the first Space Captain to score the five kills required to become an ace, a feat he’d performed several times over during the course of the Second Galactic War of the Common Era. (The Milky Way fought Hoag’s Object over the name humans had given it and the name the locals had preferred: Slmshkingxfargus. The Milky Way won out, of course.)
He had a really sweet spaceship.
It was decked out with all the hottest ‘illegal’ engine modifications (retro ion thrusters) and weapons upgrades (quadlasers in each pod, of which there were five, plus a repeating laser cannon under the bridge), space armour (could defend against EMPs and nuclear blasts), and a bitchin paint job (lightning, slime, flames, and zebra stripes, all in rainbow colours, interacting with each other)..
He was also one of seven other Space Captains to form the Edge of Space Exploration Corps. Their mission was to explore the deepest known reaches of space and travel beyond. The ESEC Headquarters was located on a large asteroid in roughly the centre of a vast asteroid belt. The farther asteroids were too small to support a large scientific headquarters and the inner asteroids were too far away and densely packed to be feasible.
ESEC had already extended the borders of the known universe by over 600 astronomical units in all directions, and all they had found were more and more and more asteroids, each one smaller and more distantly spaced than the last, until eventually they were traveling at near-light speed through mostly empty space with occasional pebbles shooting by.
Naturally, being Captain Adventure, he was consistently three days ahead of Captain Awesome, Captain Catpain, Captain Capable, Captain Worthy, Captain Analogue, Captain Available and Captain Surprise (the other ESEC captains). One day he noticed a large disturbance in his ship’s magnetic field sensor.
Magnetic field sensors worked by creating a huge magnetosphere around the object they were placed on. If any other magnetosphere (and all physical bodies have them, however small) the sensors would detect the disturbance caused by two or more fields interacting and would electrically notify the observer.
There was something ahead, and it was massive. Captain Adventure immediately reduced his speed to almost nothing via the retroactive ion thrusters. (These were illegal in most of the universe, but who could catch him here at the edge of space? Besides, the Space Government wanted to make sure ESEC had the latest gadgets at their disposal: who knew what they might find in the farthest edges of the universe?)
He radioed his fellow captains: ~Hey, Adventure here. There’s something absurdly large over this way, what do you think I should do?~
The reply was quick in coming thanks to the transmitting stations planted on several of the smaller asteroids
~That’s surprising (Captain Surprise) and I think you should approach with caution. On the other hand you may want to blast it to smithereens.~
~You surprise me, Captain Surprise, responded Captain Worthy. Advocating violence before we even know what it is?~
~Maybe we should kill some cats.~
Captain Analogue radioed in: ~Fire up the tubes, Captain Adventure, and let the lasers do their job!~
~No, I got the perfect plan: invite some ladies over and get them to have sex with you.~
~If I were there, I would know what to do,~ said Captain Capable.
~Then why don’t you come over here and help me?~ Captain Adventure asked.
~Because I’m all the way across the universe; it would take me years to get a transporter set up, and you’d have to find somewhere to put your end, and if I just used my ship, I’d bump into all sorts of planets and ships going through the universe.~
~Why don’t you just generate a wormhole and tunnel through?~
~Machine’s busted.~
Captain adventure decided to go with the first plan and accelerated to cruise.
As the disturbance in his magnetometer grew more and more intense, the form came into radar range and its signature there too was substantial. The brave captain attempted to establish radar communications with it but alas, no reply. He opened the visual shield in front of the bridge and continued forward for several more AUs until finally he could see a faint dim glow off in the distance. Suddenly there was a flash of light, moving and twirling; it appeared to flow as if through a fluid, some kind of liquid undetected by human scanners. The unexpected illumination was somewhat blinding to Captain Adventure and he shielded his eyes with his hands. When they adjusted (they did so quickly; space captains were required to have 20/20 vision and be in tip-top physical condition so they could perform the rigorous tasks associated with sitting on their asses all day at the controls of a spaceship) he could see the source: a colossal periphylla periphylla, glowing in what appeared to be the depths of a vast and interuniversal ocean. As it came into focus the enormous glowing jelly fish shot another squirt of luminous liquid, this time directly at the ship. It surrounded it and blinded the captain. He fired his laser cannons at full power, praying for a lucky shot. Unfortunately for Captain Adventure, God had been dead for a long, long time and thus his lasers didn’t even come close to the creature, which snatched the spaceship up in one of its twelve tentacles and shoved it into its mouth. The ship was digested slowly and Captain Adventure with it, and that was the end of that.
