Constructive critisism or just comments on my poem?

[watermellancholy]

H-hey, well, I'm new here, and kinda young. I'm not very good at poetry, but I want to get better. I have nothing to offer, but I would really appreciate some critiques and comments about what you think, how good is it, and what I could do better. I posted in the arena, so hopefully I'll get feedback there too. S-so yeah:


http://www.gaiaonline.com/arena/writing/poetry-and-lyrics/vote/?entry_id=102410787

[The Lovely Misfortune]

It's a good start :]

[Fayt Silverlake]

Its a good start and the ryhme scheme works well for this poem. You might just want to tweek a few of the words so they flow a little better. otherwise i thought it was great.

[watermellancholy]

Fayt Silverlake

Its a good start and the ryhme scheme works well for this poem. You might just want to tweek a few of the words so they flow a little better. otherwise i thought it was great.

Thank you. ^^ Mind if I ask any particular words or lines that could have been done better?

[Fayt Silverlake]

watermellancholy

Fayt Silverlake

Its a good start and the ryhme scheme works well for this poem. You might just want to tweek a few of the words so they flow a little better. otherwise i thought it was great.

Thank you. ^^ Mind if I ask any particular words or lines that could have been done better?

I just wish I could see
how to end this strife.
and
because I know things
will be better one day.

they rhyme fine with the lines above them but the wording somewhat throws off the meter of the poem. read it out loud and you can hear it. i know how difficult it is to fix meter problems and still say what you want to so keep in mind that this is a very small point and your poem as it is was close to perfect, so if you can't find a way to tweek it the poem is great the way it is, but if you fix the meter it could be better. Don't fret though it is one of the best written poems i have seen on this site mechanicswise.

[watermellancholy]

Fayt Silverlake

watermellancholy

Fayt Silverlake

Its a good start and the ryhme scheme works well for this poem. You might just want to tweek a few of the words so they flow a little better. otherwise i thought it was great.

Thank you. ^^ Mind if I ask any particular words or lines that could have been done better?

I just wish I could see
how to end this strife.
and
because I know things
will be better one day.

they rhyme fine with the lines above them but the wording somewhat throws off the meter of the poem. read it out loud and you can hear it. i know how difficult it is to fix meter problems and still say what you want to so keep in mind that this is a very small point and your poem as it is was close to perfect, so if you can't find a way to tweek it the poem is great the way it is, but if you fix the meter it could be better. Don't fret though it is one of the best written poems i have seen on this site mechanicswise.

I see what you're saying. I had never even coinsidered the meter when writing this. Thank you very much. You've been very helpful.

[Fayt Silverlake]

watermellancholy

Fayt Silverlake

watermellancholy

Fayt Silverlake

Its a good start and the ryhme scheme works well for this poem. You might just want to tweek a few of the words so they flow a little better. otherwise i thought it was great.

Thank you. ^^ Mind if I ask any particular words or lines that could have been done better?

I just wish I could see
how to end this strife.
and
because I know things
will be better one day.

they rhyme fine with the lines above them but the wording somewhat throws off the meter of the poem. read it out loud and you can hear it. i know how difficult it is to fix meter problems and still say what you want to so keep in mind that this is a very small point and your poem as it is was close to perfect, so if you can't find a way to tweek it the poem is great the way it is, but if you fix the meter it could be better. Don't fret though it is one of the best written poems i have seen on this site mechanicswise.

I see what you're saying. I had never even coinsidered the meter when writing this. Thank you very much. You've been very helpful.

Anytime. the meter of a poem really jumps out when you start rhyming so just watch out for that. smile keep up the good work