Pi's Form Challenge - Are You Poet Enough?

[Shou_Long]

Have Your Pi

Shou_Long

I don't feel like this ending supported the rest of the form as well. The last "Zen" felt (as I feared) like a last gasp of needing to use the word more than natural to the poem itself. Then the last few words felt a little slapped together. The tone is consistent, but "Man struck with electricity" was a little halting and awkward.

I tend to agree and will be snipping and editing over time. Those last lines arnt quite right.

As well as that I'm not sure about the first Stanza, its much weaker than the rest. Will look into that. The whole piece will be being constantly edited over time. Bit like mountains really all these poems. Weather weather weather.

Although, -Who is Zen- is supposed to be read as a statement rather than a question which i think adds strength to the line. Who is Zen.

As in Dr Who, Mr Who, or some random enlightened being called Who. Who is this mysterious being called Who. I thought about it and put the line in there for a reason (so i was attempting to tailor rather than cobble- no disrespect to cobblers - this is inspiring me to write a tribute to cobblers and the craft of cobbling - would you like to collaborate on something?) - of course i still might have to work on it and its message. As a line it is also there to link to the title of the piece, and is an attempt to tie the whole piece together.

Danger of death. Man struck with electricity. Is a cultural reference to a street sign from the planet Earth circa 1990-2012


My attempt is to have a line referencing the sign in a Zen buddhist like way. I would like to reference the sign in the villarel as it links to the theme of the piece and also links to the running Zen style and overall theme and message of the piece. Any ideas on how to reference or achieve this better appreciated (ill try work on it myself aswell) Is it even achievable surely. How about. Welcome death or,

Safety of Death. Nirvana in Electric City. (i like durt i like dat)

Or even - Danger of death. Man in black triangle struck by electricity.

I would like the villarel to read like Zen wisdom or a bit like a fortune cookie. Snip snip snip. Edit fingers on.

Your comment has inspired me to write the -Dont fear Zen or - No fear Zen- so maybe ill try and use that in some way. Excellent thread - really creative - thanks for the comments and inspiration.

[Shou_Long]

0-DCB

No, it does not take years to write a haiku. You do not need years of life experience to write a three line poem dealing with nature. Sure, your haiku may get better as you write more of them throughout the years. However, an amateur poet can easily come up with a haiku -- disregarding whether or not it's good.
Haiku are not rare. Inspiration for haiku is not rare. People writing haiku are not rare. Haiku are among the easiest form poems to write when it comes to the basics. What differentiates a master haiku poet from an amateur is that the master will be able to make every word -- every syllable -- count and add to the poem. That's what increases the difficulty level of haiku: They're so short that there is virtually no room for any sort of filler.

Ah well i see what you mean
- i think we might differ on opinion - its because ive invented my own belief system - that only Master Haiku are actually Haiku - and all other types of Haiku - are not actually Haiku but something else - Maybe Daiku -

or perhaps even simpler - maybe i can explain my thoughts better, i believe there are true Haiku and there are Haiku - so in that case yes anyone can write Haiku and Haiku are not rare - so it is true Haiku that i believe are rare - that works...

rarer than yetis.

(very tough meat)

Of course there is a theory in the air that suggests all Haiku are the same Haiku and that the true Haiku is the one Haiku. (The fith element or missing particle) Paradoxical Warning - But that's just crazy talk so i wouldn't pay it any attention -

Im actually on a bit of a journey to try and find the five True Haiku on the planet earth (honestly) so i have a lot of beliefs and thoughts about them - and am just expressing my own thoughts and belief system - this is by no means a personal attack on anyone elses thoughts and beliefs or opinion on Haiku (and im not suggesting my thoughts are accurate, they are just my interpretation and perception of the world and what i happen to think about Haiku - and i write them one to see if i can inspire anyone to get deeper into writing Haiku really deep - like buying different seeds, and cross breeding your own flowers, and planting them in certain spots, then sitting with them, and waiting and waiting and watching, until the first flower blossoms, and then writing a Haiku about that moment - this style of writing Haiku has more movement and action and can really have an impact on your life journey (doesnt everything) whether or not it leads to the writing of true haiku i do not know - im more inclined to believe they are written so in the moment that you cant even plan or think about writing them - they just come out when they come out - isnt this the way...

and secondly to see if anyone else shares my beliefs on Haiku or has thought about them like this, or thinks about them like this, maybe someone else is on a journey to find the five True Haiku and this is a good a place as any to see if i can find a like minded soul

and of course thirdly to see what everyone else thinks on Haiku which can help shape my own perspective and allow us all to gain even more ways of looking at things and learning, creating, inspiring each other

[Have Your Pi]

I know this is going to sound a little ridiculous, but one of my favorite haiku is Basho Matsuo's depiction of the mountain Matsushima, and it's simply:

Basho

Matsushima ya,
Aa, Matsushima ya,
Matsushima ya.

I remember that when I first read it, I got it. I knew exactly what he meant in each iteration of the mountain's repeat, and it was immensely effective in its brevity.

Now, of course, no one's going to be able to write a haiku like that without a) possibly plagiarizing or b) not sounding like a gimmick.

[Seraphine Holodore]

Have Your Pi

Seraphine Lunaire

In the Botanic Gardens of an Equatorial Country

Hot sun pierces through
the thick canopy of leaves,
makes its presence felt.

Ahaha, another victim of the critical failure roll. xd

I like it - and it certainly counts as a pass! - but poetically, I want a little bit more out of the last line. You've got piercing through a thick barrier, and I feel like the blow needs to finish. After all, what happens when a sword pierces armor? Heart stabbing! Bleeding! Internal organs lacerating! GOOOOOOOOORE!!!

So don't just say the presence is felt; make the reader feel the presence. Yes? 3nodding

But the prize is nonetheless yours!

Yes ma'am - and NOOOOOO, KEEP YOUR GOLD!

What of this version (while I roll for the next form)?

Botanic Gardens, take two

Hot sun pierces through
the thick canopy of leaves:
dappled firebursts.

EDIT: Hello, limerick, old friend! Lemme snoop around and see if I've really misunderstood you all those times when I claimed to be writing your type of poem...

EDIT 2: Seems like not, so here we go.

The secrets of good limericks
are not found in an old bag of tricks:
just count iambs, and do
put twice of three and two,
then three more to end off the schticks.

[The Deuteragonist]

I (Asynchronous IO's main) am sorry I have not worked on my piece. Schoolwork and extracurriculars have been killing me all week. D:

[Shou_Long]

Have Your Pi

Now, of course, no one's going to be able to write a haiku like that without a) possibly plagiarizing or b) not sounding like a gimmick.

Somebody did.

And its within all of our ability to create. Hokku. Haiku. Renku. Falling leaves.

I think its very possible that in our life times we will get to see a new branch of Haiku created and on the branch cherry's will grow - we may not get to see where every cherry blossom falls.

- Edo Basho wrote like Edo Basho (cheeky bugger)
-- Who can write like you.

You Hoo
You Hoo
Hi Coo
Hi Coo

Piss in the toilet.
Not all over the seat.

[whoops041209p8]

Let's see...


Edit: FML

[0-DCB]

Here's hoping for not #20. emotion_omnomnom
EDIT; Oh, look! I get the abbreviated version. xP
EDIT2; I'll work on this when I get some free time!

[Have Your Pi]

Gawd, I love three straight days of SQL coding. Yo. gonk Back to the fun!

Seraphine Lunaire

What of this version (while I roll for the next form)?

Botanic Gardens, take two

Hot sun pierces through
the thick canopy of leaves:
dappled firebursts.

I like it. It lets the natural images speak for themselves.

Quote:

EDIT: Hello, limerick, old friend! Lemme snoop around and see if I've really misunderstood you all those times when I claimed to be writing your type of poem...

EDIT 2: Seems like not, so here we go.

The secrets of good limericks
are not found in an old bag of tricks:
just count iambs, and do
put twice of three and two,
then three more to end off the schticks.

I have one itty bitty quibble with this - limericks don't use iambs. There's a three-syllable construction to the feet of limericks, usually anapestic.

And it's not nearly raunchy enough. wink

[BIRD lS THE WORD]

Oh.
Englyn cyrch. Sounds painful.

[Haasar]

7 - Sijo. Syllable count. ninja

[rumirumirumirumi]

Italian sonnet (in hendecasyllabics)

The octave

My love is furative, slovenly and wasteful,
only productive in crafting excuses.
Even at that I move to call her useless:
sloughing off grace, dismissing sundry tasteful
poise for an oafish slump. Her rate is wistful
as she makes me wistful, her torpid looseness
lumbers and releases, oozes and effuses
every new thing distasteful and disgraceful.

[TheLastOfUs]

One of my favorite rhymes.
Its got enough flow to make it pleasant to read,
however i don't believe it follows any of your rules...

therefor, no gold needed. however tips are always appreciated.

as well as if any one wants to get together to collaborate, much love.

TheLastOfUs

Dear Guardian, this piece is for you,
So i hope you hear me clearly,
That is, without crystal

There once was a time,
Backing up here's the rhyme,
I know it aint chill from my heart to thine,

Most people don't rap biblicly
but honestly it sickens me
when people like he take advantage of thee

Here is, what i really want to say,
Here is, just go the ******** away!
Here is, you trying to trick me Which (Witch)
Here is, me stomping your face b***h!!!

How dare you call anyone family!
When all you do is steal and ban from me!
What i deserve! My right, not yours!
I wish the best for you behind locked windows and barred doors!

So here's the reason i spit from all the damage you give me, KIDS!
Bring it on, invite your friends and mom!
Oops, i forgot, you treat them like me,
...
So now they're dead, or gone!

Ladies and gentlemen i apologize
for the take-down
and breakdown
of everything you made of this clown

But im still ******** sick of this!
Bout to take a piss,
on anyone who in this next part
Shuts Their ******** Eyelids!

Im so sick of boys who can't,
MAN UP!
When some thing goes wrong, and they dont
STICK UP!
Their guns in the air
And say who cares!
We're doing good,
...
And who's still there?

I pitty the man who;
can't crawl on stage
To say who he is!
What he believes!
Or the names of his kids!

Oh that b***h mocked me!
let me guess
"I can't believe he did this!"

My only two children
are 'Faithfull' and 'Ligit'
The one who hits back!
For the one who gets hit!!
(Shout-out to my street kids that i left on Olymipis, my heart goes out to you little guys. Always more power to you, every ounce i got. And you better ******** know it.)

b***h!
My Street kids are bad a**!
Graduated Last,
but best...
With...
...
Top class.

So here's a little hint from me,
what this freestyle is meant to be,
is just a speech about integrity.
So if you want to be family
with the name 'Good Company!'
Then just be true to who you're supposed to be.
Which was originally what you wanted to be.

When i was a kid i wanted to be a teacher
but my obsessive mom wanted a preacher.
My dad's never happy less he's with her,
so here's my word,
and i became a rapper,
My mom, please someone slap her,
I can hear her laughter,
From wickin spells cast after
I left a certain place.
scream crying Never to see my BABY! crying scream
Nor baby mama's face!

So here i sit and swallow my fate...
Least i do it like a man,
And take my plate,
And do everything i can,
To follow a ******** plan
that comes from thin air.
And i honestly don't care
If you bash on a god
that i ******** know is there!!!

So here are a few lines,
due to the dedication of this rhyme.

Dude, you know who you are...
What you did, left a scar.
So if you see me, run.
Cause if i see you jump...
ILL GUN!!

Ill see to it personally
that every ounce inside of me
Brings what you did or done to justice
No weapons,
No Tools,
(Not counting you)
JUST-US

No more rhymes?
You spat in my face,
You ******** disgrace!
You lied, then atempted to break my nose
Just so you could shoot black
Do rows,
And ******** some NASTY a** hos.

And now you try to run around acting like a bad a**?
Dude! Your'e weed, tastes like burnt grass,
and your skin looks like it needs a sand blast!!

I laugh when you think you can jump people for black!
Cause when i see it, you'll have a mirror, FLASHBACK!
Not just for me, but for them, and family's back.
And when your a** is behind bars, AGAIN!

BAP!!!



Zacheriah,

Good Company,

Zach Portch (Monk)-ie

[Seraphine Holodore]

Have Your Pi

Seraphine Lunaire

What of this version (while I roll for the next form)?

Botanic Gardens, take two

Hot sun pierces through
the thick canopy of leaves:
dappled firebursts.

I like it. It lets the natural images speak for themselves.

Yay! ^^

Have Your Pi

Seraphine Lunaire

EDIT: Hello, limerick, old friend! Lemme snoop around and see if I've really misunderstood you all those times when I claimed to be writing your type of poem...

EDIT 2: Seems like not, so here we go.

The secrets of good limericks
are not found in an old bag of tricks:
just count iambs, and do
put twice of three and two,
then three more to end off the schticks.

I have one itty bitty quibble with this - limericks don't use iambs. There's a three-syllable construction to the feet of limericks, usually anapestic.

And it's not nearly raunchy enough. wink

Right-o. Where the meter is concerned... *takes gun, shoots self*
Oh oops, raunchy isn't my usual style ><

Do I try again or roll dyeing?

[Seraphine Holodore]

TheLastOfUs

One of my favorite rhymes.
Its got enough flow to make it pleasant to read,
however i don't believe it follows any of your rules...

therefor, no gold needed. however tips are always appreciated.

as well as if any one wants to get together to collaborate, much love.

TheLastOfUs

Dear Guardian, this piece is for you,
[...]

That sounds like a lot of resentment there. You all right? How were you feeling at the time of writing this?