Bonjour Belle
(?)Community Member
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- Posted: Sun, 15 Feb 2015 15:27:57 +0000
Hey, LI. So after my girlfriend broke up with me, I went on OkCupid for a rebound. I started seeing this girl and it's been almost two months now. I like her a lot more than I thought I would, but I just... like her. She's definitely more to me than just a rebound, though, as we've become really close friends, but she wants more. The other night she'd asked me out officially and I had to turn her down. Then the other day, I admitted to her that I'd rather not see her for Valentine's Day because there was too much expectation involved in that. She got really upset and guilted me into seeing her. I had had plans with my friends since the initial breakup with my girlfriend, like four months ago, and they ended up running later than I expected. I told the girl I wasn't going to be able to make it, apologized, and told her we could go out today, if she wanted. She sent me a wall of text about how upset she was and how she didn't want to see me today because she needs time to "decompress". I'm not trying to throw this girl under the bus because I know she REALLY likes me and I'm sure she was genuinely upset that I didn't get around to seeing her yesterday, but frankly, I just don't want a relationship right now. I don't want to fill these expectations that she has for me. I don't have the energy or genuine want to go out of my way for her, which includes texting her every day, physically seeing her (she lives in Manhattan, I live in NJ), and spending money I don't have on dates. We had sex once and it was after that that her feelings for me went into, like, hyper drive. For some time, I thought maybe, MAYBE, the two of us could be more than just a rebound or friends. I put the time and effort into trying because isn't that what dating is? But I've realized now that she's just too needy and I'm not in a place right now where I'm emotionally and physically able to give her what she needs. I have NEVER broken it off with someone before and the thought alone gives me ridiculous anxiety. I don't want to use the whole "it's not you, it's me" line, but that's kinda what it is. Does anyone have any advice?
EDIT: How is this?
i just spent last night thinking about everything that's been going on with us these last few days and i guess i'm really not ready for this. i know your biggest thing with me was always no pressure and i can't tell you how much i appreciated that. but it's obvious that you've been stifling your own feelings to make it easier for me, and i don't want that. i don't want you feeling sad or disappointed or whatever when i can't reach expectations you have for us. and as simple as those expectations are, i don't think i'm emotionally or physically able to meet them right now. a lot of it really has to do with just me. like despite how caring and understanding you've been about my financial situation, it still bothers me and makes me feel super shitty. and i know that's not something you can fix or change, it's just something i'm dealing with on my own and it ties into the greater picture that i'm just in this weird life limbo right now, which is what i always seem to bring up when we're together. i can barely figure out my own path and feelings, it's not fair to you that i drudge you along with me. i'm sorry you invested so much of your time and emotion in me. honestly, this is the first time i've gone on something like okcupid and just dated. i wanted to give it a try and i kept seeing you because, like i've always said and meant, i genuinely do like you. you're an incredible person that deserves someone who can give you what you need. and i just don't think that's me. maybe it can be one day but right now, i'm just way too much all over the place to truly give you what you need and deserve. i'm not sure where you want to go from here. it's taken everything for me to send you this because i know it's not what you want to hear, but i also knew that i needed to come to terms with it and let you know. i'll understand and respect whatever happens next.
EDIT: How is this?
i just spent last night thinking about everything that's been going on with us these last few days and i guess i'm really not ready for this. i know your biggest thing with me was always no pressure and i can't tell you how much i appreciated that. but it's obvious that you've been stifling your own feelings to make it easier for me, and i don't want that. i don't want you feeling sad or disappointed or whatever when i can't reach expectations you have for us. and as simple as those expectations are, i don't think i'm emotionally or physically able to meet them right now. a lot of it really has to do with just me. like despite how caring and understanding you've been about my financial situation, it still bothers me and makes me feel super shitty. and i know that's not something you can fix or change, it's just something i'm dealing with on my own and it ties into the greater picture that i'm just in this weird life limbo right now, which is what i always seem to bring up when we're together. i can barely figure out my own path and feelings, it's not fair to you that i drudge you along with me. i'm sorry you invested so much of your time and emotion in me. honestly, this is the first time i've gone on something like okcupid and just dated. i wanted to give it a try and i kept seeing you because, like i've always said and meant, i genuinely do like you. you're an incredible person that deserves someone who can give you what you need. and i just don't think that's me. maybe it can be one day but right now, i'm just way too much all over the place to truly give you what you need and deserve. i'm not sure where you want to go from here. it's taken everything for me to send you this because i know it's not what you want to hear, but i also knew that i needed to come to terms with it and let you know. i'll understand and respect whatever happens next.
