Welcome to Gaia! ::

Gaia Forums » MISC Forums » Forum & Sticky Archive » Fanfiction
<3 </3
Reply
< 1 2 3

Offline
Nerd Love Syndrome
Kurama Bingyi
I have no words to describe this, so I'll just be as blunt as possible.

If you have any aspirations to become a writer, you need to finish Fifth Grade English, first, and learn the definition of "Humor."

Seconded.


Finally someone to put me out of my misery. I just choked on the horrible plot and it's so unoriginal.

Friendly Friend

5,350 Points
  • Peoplewatcher 100
  • Forum Explorer 100
  • Dressed Up 200
Offline
i loled at how ridiculous that was!

4,100 Points
  • Invisibility 100
Offline
Okay, first, I must apologize ahead of time for any possible rudeness.
Second, I'm sorry to say that I didn't enjoy it at all-- the good news is, that it is not the worst I've read, and, with some work, could be fixed.
I would like to suggest, perhaps, another sign-in name for Edward? "Eddie" was just . . . not working. Also, I'd like to say that I happen to say "Hello" when I IM-- is that wrong? I've never met anyone with an objection to it. To me, this part made no sense.
My other suggestions contain material already explored by other, uh, critics. The length needs some work, as does the humor (though it did force a small smile from me). I would also like to comment about Jacob's behaviour. I agree with the others, he would never simply barge in and declare hatred on Edward without a back story-- unless you have one and have simply not established it yet, if this is the case, perhaps establishing one can lengthen the "fanfic". Also, another thing that had been previously said: Jacob would never obey Edward without even a single word of complaint. He'd probably sneak around the chat or something, or tell Edward that he's not the boss of him, or whatever.

I have a bit more to say, but my thoughts are becoming less and less coherent as I am very tired. Perhaps if I have the time, I will stop by again later.

Oni Omoni's Princess

Sweetheart

Offline
Kurama Bingyi
I have no words to describe this, so I'll just be as blunt as possible.

If you have any aspirations to become a writer, you need to finish Fifth Grade English, first, and learn the definition of "Humor."

Offline
OmgRee
Kurama Bingyi
I have no words to describe this, so I'll just be as blunt as possible.

If you have any aspirations to become a writer, you need to finish Fifth Grade English, first, and learn the definition of "Humor."

The quality that makes something laughable or amusing; funniness: could not see the humor of the situation.That which is intended to induce laughter or amusement: a writer skilled at crafting humor.

Offline
Omegee
OmgRee
Kurama Bingyi
I have no words to describe this, so I'll just be as blunt as possible.

If you have any aspirations to become a writer, you need to finish Fifth Grade English, first, and learn the definition of "Humor."

The quality that makes something laughable or amusing; funniness: could not see the humor of the situation.That which is intended to induce laughter or amusement: a writer skilled at crafting humor.


a message whose ingenuity or verbal skill or incongruity has the power to evoke laughter

Bashful Lover

8,575 Points
  • Bunny Spotter 50
  • Somebody Likes You 100
  • Grunny Grabber 50
Offline
Uhm....

User Image

1,450 Points
  • Person of Interest 200
  • Hygienic 200
  • Dressed Up 200
Offline
thats not as really as the plot went and why he hatin in jake!

Offline
Well, first of all, I'm not a Twilight fan, I simply came across this and thought it'd be funny. I think you should improve it just a bit. Lengthen it, and use a better plot. smile

400 Points
  • Beta Critic 0
  • Beta Consumer 0
  • Beta Voter 0
Offline
I'm not a twilight fan either and I did watch the two movies that are out (only to get my 15 year old sister and my mom to stfu since they are BIG twilight fans). I tried my hardest to start reading the series but was bored out of my mind in the first book and went back to the Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind.

Just using the movies as a reference I would say that Jacob wouldn't be so bold as to say that, especially in a situation where Bella would see. So that wouldn't really work in any aspect.

As far as the text speak goes, I have a feeling he would know of it especially if Alice knows of it. She seems to be the type that wants to teach and help out others a lot. Also, in order for him to fit in with regular school life he would need to be up and up on the everyday trends in order not to stand out in an odd way. That alone means he should learn of text speak as it happens to be the way most teenagers do communicate.

I read it a few times trying to see the point or humor in it and I couldn't find it really.. Maybe a bit of rewording or adding a few more lines of text that would describe what's going on a little better.

Try to channel the characters when writing. That's what I do when I write. Try it out and you never know what you will get. biggrin

Eternal Phantom

Offline
No.

Just, no.

Offline
Okay, uhm, well, it was very very short, and I don't really know what the point was. Also, Edward has never gone by "Eddie" so I don't think he would use that as a screenname... and the spelling of "boi" annoys me... I don't think Jacob would use that... I also think Bella would yell at Edward for yelling at Jacob. Work on it a little, make it longer, change the names, and then pm me. I wanna see where it goes.

Offline
It was funny, but there should be more. I am not trying to insult you, but please write more!
Gaia Forums » MISC Forums » Forum & Sticky Archive » Fanfiction

Quick Reply

Submit
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
More
Get GCash
Offers
More
Get Items
More Items
More
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
  • Guilds
    fan clubs for the stuff you love
  • Chat
    chat in real time with other Gaian's
  • Art Arenas
    browse & rate gaian art galleries
  • Clans
    play zOMG with others
More
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
More
Gaia's Games
Mini-Games
More
Play with GCash
Play with Platinum
More