Asexuals/Aces: How do you experience your sexuality?

[73Zombie]

My good friend in high school was a nice, friendly, quite girl, who was a little simple, but we managed to vibe well and connected through similar interests. We met again in college and slowly over time we grew closer through smoke sessions, hanging out in her garage, and really bad netflix marathons in her basement. I couldn't tell right away that things between us were getting more intimate, because she had a boyfriend back in DC and I didn't really think she was sexually attracted to me or vice a versa. It didn't help that I was the friend who wouldn't make any sexual advances or try to get in her pants on some ~nice guy~ bull s**t.

One weekend, we snuck on somebody's rooftop in the late afternoon to roll jays and eat junk food, and being the dense dummy that I am, I thought nothing of the setting. She was acting weird the entire time, refusing to leave at our set time even though I knew she had to be home soon. And then of course as the evening progressed, it kind of happened out of nowhere. It was the most horrible sex that I've had in my life and I regret every moment. It was like a really bad porno flick shot from a really awkward angle. There were no questions asked,nothing about consent, or protection. It felt wrong to say no and back away, but in retrospect it would've probably saved our friendship if I had spoken up about being asexual.

In the larger scheme of things, my sexuality would probably be questioned and even ridiculed for almost turning down sex with a girl, but I am someone who does not experience sexual attraction. I am able to connect to people on an emotional and relational level, but that's as far as I can go. It's really been difficult navigating relationships where I am expected to "perform" and be sexual with partners when I am repulsed by sexual contact and don't know how to explain my asexuality to those around me.

I know this is not AVEN, but I'm just curious and want to feel a sense of community. So how do you other asexual folks experienced your sexuality? How do you talk about your sexuality among sexuals? And for sexual folks, is sex the deal-breaker in a relationship?

[Evelyne]

I can't begin to imagine what it must be like to be asexual ... not that i think there's anything wrong with it of course. Being slightly genderfluid, i'm always pretty curious and very open about other genders and sexualities. It always deeply shock and angers me when people are being ignorant assholes about it just because they're the "norm" and can't imagine that there's more to the world than what they know scream

As a 'sexual', i'd say that yeah, no sex would be a deal-breaker for me... I don't remember the name of it but there this thing about what type of love langage you have. One of my dominant love language is physical intimacy, from hugs and cuddle to yes, sex (another slightly less dominant for me is spending time and doing things together, having common goals etc... i don't remember all the other ones).

If i was poly, maybe i could be in love with an asexual and have another relationship with sex with someone else? But i'm monogamous. When i love someone i only want them... i might find other people cute and attractive but never have any desire to take that further.

if you and a sexual person fell in love, would you be willing to let them have a sexuality with others?

(what's AVEN?)

[73Zombie]

Evelyne

I can't begin to imagine what it must be like to be asexual ... not that i think there's anything wrong with it of course. Being slightly genderfluid, i'm always pretty curious and very open about other genders and sexualities. It always deeply shock and angers me when people are being ignorant assholes about it just because they're the "norm" and can't imagine that there's more to the world than what they know scream

As a 'sexual', i'd say that yeah, no sex would be a deal-breaker for me... I don't remember the name of it but there this thing about what type of love langage you have. One of my dominant love language is physical intimacy, from hugs and cuddle to yes, sex (another slightly less dominant for me is spending time and doing things together, having common goals etc... i don't remember all the other ones).

If i was poly, maybe i could be in love with an asexual and have another relationship with sex with someone else? But i'm monogamous. When i love someone i only want them... i might find other people cute and attractive but never have any desire to take that further.

if you and a sexual person fell in love, would you be willing to let them have a sexuality with others?

(what's AVEN?)

Remember the time in middle school where puberty supposedly happened and every body wanted to do somebody? All of your friends started hooking up interchangeably, and their were a lot of innuendos, shitty sex jokes, hormone induced behavior, kissing in the hallway, dry humping, awkward crushes, disappointing school dances filled with sexual tension, etc. Well for the majority of asexuals this phase didn't happen, or completely passed over their heads, and were the odd ones out in their group of friends who didn't have a crush, or a raunchy tale to gossip about. I am generalizing a bit because each persons experience differs from the other, and there is not one clear cut way to be a non sexual person. It's just typically defined as someone who doesn't experience sexual attraction, which is vague and can mean a number of things.

For instance, I like to cuddle, have deep conversations, and do things that I consider intimate but non sexual (like running errands together). My relationships with regular friends also follows this pattern minus the cuddling (sometimes).

I think the norms you're talking about treks deeper into territory that's bound up with heteronormativity and definitely patriarchal standards that set unrealistic guidelines on how folks should experience hetero sex. And God forbid if you're transgender, LGB, intersex, or gender variant. Along with intersex folks, asexuals don't have much visibility and because of ageism (AVEN is an online community and open forum for asexual visibility) its dismissed as just a phase, but mostly in regards to teenagers. I am in my 20s now, and I have been an ace since I was probably 8 or 9 years old. I know my dominant love language is affirmations and it feels good when people affirm me and make me feel good about our emotional connection.

I am poly, and I'm also someone who is romantically attracted to multiple genders. I'd be open enough to allow something like that to occur, but things just have to be really transparent between all of us.

[Evelyne]

actually i don't remember much about high school and that awkward period (i dropped out early and finished with adult high school at 17-18 yo... although i guess i did have many unrequited crushes over my pre-teen and teenage years and i was always the unpopular one. My first bf i met at a first small job at 19 years old)

That phase stuff is such bullshit, whether it's about one's sexuality (or lack of) or anything else (for exemple like women who don't want kids... personally i do have trouble imagining that because i dearly want kids one day. But that's no reason to bash on them or say that they'll change their mind. It's up to them to decide who they are and what they want, not others geez!)... People just can't accept difference sad it is changing tho, at least... i hope this continue to change for the better (but i wish it would change faster...)

it's funny, i was curious about the love language thing (i saw a thing about it pretty long ago, didn't remember much) and went on this site with a quiz test and apparently i got it wrong, my 1st is quality time and my 2nd is physical touch (i think they're pretty equal actually)

anyway this was interresting to chat about. I wish you find other aces (cool word) to exchange more with (i don't really know what else to say) sweatdrop

[The Great Confuser]

I must say that, being asexual and being surrounded by sexual people has always been awkward for me. It's just that case of being around people who consistently make remarks about how someone is sexually appealing to them and then asking my opinion only to act like it's the weirdest thing ever when I say "Um... sure, they look nice." I wouldn't be lying; I'd find them aesthetically nice, but have no wish to have sex with them. I've always sort of explained the idea of aesthetic attraction without sexual attraction to be something like looking at a well-done work in the art museum. You may remark with something like "That looks really nice" but the instance someone approaches and says "I know, right? Don't you just wanna lick it?" the only reasonable response you can think of is "What? No!"

Another difficult thing has been that those around me who had heard of asexuality have always had a tendency to stigmatize it or turn it into a joke. Back when I was closeted, it was a rather uncomfortable experience (although I have since found better friends).

Then there's the awkward semi-annual doctor's visit/check-up. Oh boy, is that fun! Trying to explain that I am seriously not at risk of an STD and don't need to be checked because I'm not even interested in sex, let alone active in it, every six months is always an adventure. I'm pretty sure my doctor thinks I'm just going to end up a social recluse in a house full of only cats for company with some strictly religious lifestyle by now. The medical community generally doesn't understand the concept of asexuality very well.

As for relationships, they vary from one person to another. I have a wonderful girlfriend currently who's bisexual, but also understands that sex and love are entirely separate things and acknowledges matters of the mind as being more important than those of the flesh (at least in her opinion, and it's something with which I tend to agree). We haven't had that conversation on limitations yet and, since it's a long-distance relationship for now, have plenty of time before it will even be reasonable to discuss, let alone necessary. I think being asexual does give me a bit of an advantage with the whole long-distance relationship think as well. Except I would love a good cuddle every now and then, but that's just something I'll patiently wait for until she moves here for college (which she does plan to do since she doesn't like the west coast very much).

[AliKat1988]

As someone who is heterosexual, I would find it easy to be friends with, but difficult to be romantic with an asexual. It would physically be frustrating to me as I would have lots of sexual tension built up around them and they would not want sex. I would be fine with someone who has a low sex drive but lacking the option of sexual relations would be too difficult for me to handle.

[Daniel Nevaeh]

I am an asexual myself. I cannot comprehend why people want sex, why is it a big deal, why it destroys so many relationships and all that. My relationship with my husband is purely raw emotional closeness. He is a sexual person BUT it is not important to him. He gets sexually frustrated at times but doesn't mind. He just brushes it off since it's actually not a big deal.

My family on the other hand would have rather me come out as a lesbian than asexual. Being asexual seems to be inhuman or something. Like NOT wanting sex is the stupidest thing they've ever heard of.

I've been asked countless times if I've been raped, molested, sexually abused, etc.
No I have not been.
I've always been this way and have already been tested out fine by my doctors.
I just find sex boring, trivial, and a primitive act. People look like wild chimpanzees when they do it! I don't get it.
I'd rather do something else like watch a good tv show, cook something, draw, or play a video game.

Me and my husband had a long distance relationship for 7 years and had little physical contact.
Our contact was restrained to a week once a year because our parents were strict.
Even so, we vastly enjoyed hugging and sharing kisses (not making out or anything) and then moved onto holding hands and playing games.
We love each other a lot.
Do we really need sex to prove it?
No.

[Kurogiima]

I'm an asexual, and I have sex pretty regularly because it helps me deal with stress. My girlfriend is questioning between being ace or a lesbian, I personally think she's a lesbian because she seems to experience attraction to me, and I, at the very best, admire her.
But anyway, sometimes when I'm having sex it'll feel wrong and terrible, like I'll think, "ew no" and just feel gross about the entire thing. It shuts me down and makes me want to curl up in bed, but I usually bear it because I don't want my gf to feel unattractive or bad.

I never feel like "I need sex now!" and I never look at a person and think "I would like to have sex with them", but I just see it as a recreational activity to do with my partner that I may or may not feel like doing. Kind of like how I enjoy playing video games, but sometimes I can't get into it and I just shut the system off, I have a similar relationship with sex.

Hope I make sense.

[73Zombie]

The Great Confuser

I must say that, being asexual and being surrounded by sexual people has always been awkward for me. It's just that case of being around people who consistently make remarks about how someone is sexually appealing to them and then asking my opinion only to act like it's the weirdest thing ever when I say "Um... sure, they look nice." I wouldn't be lying; I'd find them aesthetically nice, but have no wish to have sex with them. I've always sort of explained the idea of aesthetic attraction without sexual attraction to be something like looking at a well-done work in the art museum. You may remark with something like "That looks really nice" but the instance someone approaches and says "I know, right? Don't you just wanna lick it?" the only reasonable response you can think of is "What? No!"

Another difficult thing has been that those around me who had heard of asexuality have always had a tendency to stigmatize it or turn it into a joke. Back when I was closeted, it was a rather uncomfortable experience (although I have since found better friends).

Then there's the awkward semi-annual doctor's visit/check-up. Oh boy, is that fun! Trying to explain that I am seriously not at risk of an STD and don't need to be checked because I'm not even interested in sex, let alone active in it, every six months is always an adventure. I'm pretty sure my doctor thinks I'm just going to end up a social recluse in a house full of only cats for company with some strictly religious lifestyle by now. The medical community generally doesn't understand the concept of asexuality very well.

As for relationships, they vary from one person to another. I have a wonderful girlfriend currently who's bisexual, but also understands that sex and love are entirely separate things and acknowledges matters of the mind as being more important than those of the flesh (at least in her opinion, and it's something with which I tend to agree). We haven't had that conversation on limitations yet and, since it's a long-distance relationship for now, have plenty of time before it will even be reasonable to discuss, let alone necessary. I think being asexual does give me a bit of an advantage with the whole long-distance relationship think as well. Except I would love a good cuddle every now and then, but that's just something I'll patiently wait for until she moves here for college (which she does plan to do since she doesn't like the west coast very much).

I find it hard to have conversations with people who are misinformed. One of my good friends is convinced that the reason I'm the way I am is because I've experienced "trauma" at a early age and asexuality isn't really a thing, because who in their right mind doesn't experience sexual tension? Which is sort of why I stopped going out to bars because I have no interest in hooking up and I actually just want to sit there and watch the olympics and talk about frivolous s**t with my friends.

I remember getting a check up once at the doctors office and the nurse ran down the list of questions about STDS and relationships. At one point she got really huffy and incredulous when I told her that I wasn't sexually active at the moment and I really just had to laugh off my discomfort. I'm not sure what she thought of me, but I know this is a common experience among asexual folks. I think the categorization system of sexuality is so flawed and really misconstrued, while privileging rampant, open sexuality that's hyped up because it gets the most visibility. It's like watching a movie or film with two characters with the assumption that they're going to fall in love, hook up, and have tons of sex just because that's what's expected in relationships regardless of orientation or gender. I don't know if you're into Hayao Miyazaki films, but he makes a great point in his work on focusing on human relationships without relying on romantic interest as a plot device.

I usually develop really good friendships and I am an oblivious ********, so the person could have a crush on me for the whole time we're friends and I wouldn't know. I'm usually the homebody that just wants to drink beer and play mario kart, and on top of that I'm never aware of when someone is flirting with me. I think long distance relationships would work out for me too, but the person has to know what's up the first day and its annoying having to break it down for people who are ~sex positive~ It's cool that your girlfriend is so open and I'm sure you'll get plenty of cuddle time (:

[Villain Vanilla]

My idea of an ideal relationship is loving, sweet, and nonsexual one.

I have never experienced "sexual" attraction but I have really liked men. I just never had the urge to jump in bed with them.

For me I think it's because I believe you don't have to have a relationship in order to have a fulfilling life.

I've had guys attracted to me but I always find it awkward and weird.

[kamukuras]

I've never had sex and really have no desire to, but I really have never met anyone I want to have sex with. I wouldn't classify myself as ace since I've never experienced any sexual contact, but I'm slightly repulsed by the thought of myself being in a sexual relationship with anyone at this point in my life.

[73Zombie]

Chemicat

I used to think I was asexual simply because I don't, and never have, been able to look at someone, no matter how attractive... and feel any sort of sexual attraction. I can admire physical beauty in people, but I've never looked at someone I didn't know and thought "wow, that person is sexy. I wanna do them". I just don't get that sort of physical attraction.

But if it's a person I'm in love with... yeah. I guess I can call myself "lovesexual".

I don't find asexuals to be strange in the slightest. I actually feel that I understand them better than I understand the average sexual person.

Same.
Did you have an experience that changed your perception of yourself?

[73Zombie]

kamukuras

I've never had sex and really have no desire to, but I really have never met anyone I want to have sex with. I wouldn't classify myself as ace since I've never experienced any sexual contact, but I'm slightly repulsed by the thought of myself being in a sexual relationship with anyone at this point in my life.

I think it's strange that hetero people know their sexuality even though they've never experienced sex or anything of the sort. Yet, for people that are experience sexuality differently you have to have a definite answer to affirm these doubts and differences just to make sure you aren't "broken"