I'd take me time if I could. Honestly.
But sadly sometimes it's just not possible. Life is a struggle, but if I've learned anything in my thirty years is that you just have to keep picking yourself up and dusting yourself off because no one is going to do it for you. No one can jump the hurdles in front of me. And I refuse to walk around them as that's cheating. I've struggled since my high school days, but family and friends made my life worth living. If it hadn't been for the love of my family and close friends I know I wouldn't have made it to see my thirtieth birthday. So since it's passed, and things have once again became extremely hard, I'm going to keep trucking. I don't expect to slide through life, or get a free pass. I work on saving my sanity. I work on learning to love myself. I struggle everyday with depression, severe anxiety, extreme exhaustion wether I've slept or not. I have overcome many problems, and I have many more to overcome. But god only knows that even in my darkest times, no matter how much I want to give up, no matter how much I complain, I refuse to stop. I refuse to give up. Giving up mean the end to me. The end is not here yet. Sure when papa passes it will feel like the end, just like it did when Erin went, but I know, life goes on. Struggle or no struggle. Pain or no pain. I will get through this. It took the twelve years my cousin has been gone to not cry everyday over her being gone. I know the tears and pain will never stop. But I know I must live to fight her killer to help my family keep him in jail. To give up after papa is gone will be like giving up against everything he taught me and gave me. I still to this day have the letter he wrote to me while I was in the hospital after a massive breakdown a few days after Erin's funeral. He wrote me to encourage me to keep going. To tell me how much he loves me. To let me know he would always be there for his Jenni no matter where he was. Now it's my turn. My turn to be there for my papa no matter where I am. I will never give up. Taking time for myself, means I take time to reflect. Sometimes it depresses me, thus I take less time.
My family battles eachother because of their anger. Not anger at each other but anger at the situation we all are in. I watch, and listen. As much as my family can drive me nuts, I would do anything for these people.
Sorry...that turned into a long ramble when I was meaning just a short answer. /embarrassed
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