Story! Help me out here

[QueenBC]

I ran through the field, jumping over every weed in my path. I had to run faster if I wanted to reach my destination on time. My breath began to evaporate in the morning heat. I ran faster but couldn't catch my breath quick enough. I tripped and felt the hard ground against my face. I sat up and stretched. I returned to my feet, caught my breath, and ran across the field. I reached the house. I flung open the back door and raced inside. I went up the 18 flights of steps and saw him sitting in his reading chair, overlooking the entire village. "You're late," he said sternly, "you're very, very, late." I nodded. He turned to look at me, his golden eyes stern and angry. I looked at the floor. "I told you to come earlier," he said, standing. I didn't look up but I heard him shuffling across the floor. "Firith is waiting for you by the cottage," he said. I nodded and walked out of my father's study. I walked down all the flights of stairs and circled around the tree. I walked into the village. Noises and Elves bustled around me. I looked up as I neared the cottage. Firith was standing there, her long blond hair pulled back into two braids. She was standing there, fingering her necklace. I wiggled my way through a crowd of Elves and then approached her. She smiled at me when she saw me and said, "Let's go. Ampa left moments ago." I followed my younger sister into the cottage, where I greeted my mother with a smile as we passed. We went into the backroom where I saw my younger brother, Ampa, dressed neatly. He was pouring us tea. "Hello," he greeted us and handed me a cup. Firith was already drinking hers. I sat down and Ampa told us tomorrow was his last day in the Calma Village. We both nearly spit out our tea. "What?!" I almost shouted. Ampa shushed us and said, "I am going to the the village near the shore, the Edro Village. I will be gone for some months, for the Edro Village is going off to war and Father suggests I go as well." I stood, dropped my tea to floor, and ran out of the cottage. I ran up to the tree, up the flights of stairs, and I rampaged into my father's study. He was at his desk, writing something with his quill pen. "Father," I said angrily, "how can you send Ampa way to the Edro Village and to war?"

Tell me what you think. biggrin Thanks in advance

[psychicandroid]

Well, first, the story ends abrubtly. I don't know aobut you, but I hate endings like that. I hope their's more. I didn't know if the main character was male or female, which is a problem. I got the idea that it was a girl. You described actions going on but there was no flow to the story. Many of your sentances felt short and choppy. You also need to break up the text of the story. You have something good going on here though. Add some more details and vary your sentace length. I'd like to see what happens to the brother going to war. smile

[Buster_Bluthe]

Well, one problem is that you should seperate it into smaller paragraphs. It makes it easier on the eyes, although the story is okay so far. I do agree with Psychicandroid about the story ending aburptly. You should lead into that wih more detail.

[Chisai Neko]

The repetition of "I" at the beginning of each sentence makes your writing seem choppy and ill constructed. We know who you are talking about from its first use -- after that it becomes an excess pronoun. Try rewriting the section without using "I" unless it's absolutely necessary.

[babyshady]

Chisai Neko

The repetition of "I" at the beginning of each sentence makes your writing seem choppy and ill constructed. We know who you are talking about from its first use -- after that it becomes an excess pronoun. Try rewriting the section without using "I" unless it's absolutely necessary.

yeah, you have too many I did this, I did that... Just try to reword it

[ThaddeusTheThird]

Your number one problem is that you start almost every sentence with 'I'. Try using a variety of words such as 'Moving quickly, I..." or "Sitting up, I..." or "Dashing up 18 flights of stairs, I..."

[Gendodorijitsunaba-sama]

QueenBC

I ran through the field, jumping over every weed in my path. I had to run faster if I wanted to reach my destination on time........I ran faster but couldn't catch my breath quick enough. I tripped and felt the hard ground against my face. I sat up and stretched. I returned to my feet, caught my breath, and ran across the field. I reached the house. I flung open the back door and raced inside. I went up the 18 flights of steps and saw him sitting in his reading chair, overlooking the entire village.

Like ThaddeusTheThird, babyshady, and Chisai Neko said youre usuing too many "I did" sentences. Switching words around would help with this so you say the same thing, but differently would work very well. "If I wanted to reach my destination, I had to run faster." would work, I think. Thaddeus gave a bunch of great examples.

Quote:

"You're late," he said sternly, "you're very, very, late." I nodded. He turned to look at me, his golden eyes stern and angry. I looked at the floor. "I told you to come earlier," he said, standing. I didn't look up but I heard him shuffling across the floor. "Firith is waiting for you by the cottage," he said. I nodded and walked out of my father's study.

Paragraphing would help. Start with speech. Usually speech is paragraphed, showing that somebody is saying something.

Example:
(story)
"I ran to the store," I said.
"Well good for you," she said.
(story)


I walked down all the flights of stairs and circled around the tree. I walked into the village. Noises and Elves bustled around me. I looked up as I neared the cottage. Firith was standing there, her long blond hair pulled back into two braids. She was standing there, fingering her necklace. I wiggled my way through a crowd of Elves and then approached her. She smiled at me when she saw me and said, "Let's go. Ampa left moments ago." I followed my younger sister into the cottage, where I greeted my mother with a smile as we passed.

Quote:

Again, seperating speech from the story would be good. Giving reasons for why Firith was fingering her necklace might give her more depth.

"She was standing there, fingering her necklace in frustration of having to wait."

"She was standing there, fingering her necklace to pass the time until I arrived."

Quote:

We went into the backroom where I saw my younger brother, Ampa, dressed neatly. He was pouring us tea. "Hello," he greeted us and handed me a cup. Firith was already drinking hers. I sat down and Ampa told us tomorrow was his last day in the Calma Village. We both nearly spit out our tea. "What?!" I almost shouted. Ampa shushed us and said, "I am going to the the village near the shore, the Edro Village. I will be gone for some months, for the Edro Village is going off to war and Father suggests I go as well." I stood, dropped my tea to floor, and ran out of the cottage. I ran up to the tree, up the flights of stairs, and I rampaged into my father's study. He was at his desk, writing something with his quill pen. "Father," I said angrily, "how can you send Ampa way to the Edro Village and to war?"

Descriptions of your characters, even short ones, will give the story a little more edge. It doesn't have to be down to the t, just something to give your readers a face and body with some detail to match a name. Giving... the man we first meet (a name would be good), eye color is a good example of somewhat vague description.
The main character should be given the most detail.

Overall, the story is very nice. All you need is more detail in your characters and their surroundings (what's in the back room? what do the streets of this town look like?). The ending is aburpt, and I hope you will expand on it.

I really like the idea you have, just work on it and expand.

If anybody thinks I'm being too harsh or critical.. please forgive me. This is how I was critiqued, thus causing me to critique people in this manner. I hope it all helps though...

[Gethsemane]

I personally dislike using first-person in stories, but you seem fairly fixed on it so I will let my distaste slide.

Starting sentences with pronouns is alright some of the time, but don't overuse it. Instead, try describing either the person or their action first. Also, there is little description in this passage. It seems a lot like one action after the other. Try to draw out the descriptions of the characters and their actions more so we can actually picture the scene in our minds a little better.

[Gendodorijitsunaba-sama]

Gethsemane

I personally dislike using first-person in stories, but you seem fairly fixed on it so I will let my distaste slide.

Starting sentences with pronouns is alright some of the time, but don't overuse it. Instead, try describing either the person or their action first. Also, there is little description in this passage. It seems a lot like one action after the other. Try to draw out the descriptions of the characters and their actions more so we can actually picture the scene in our minds a little better.

Wow... I need to take a class in doing things right. You just did a far better job of giving her advice than I did. lol