The Art Of Being Lonely [Comments Appreciated]

Am i....

Deluded	0.0%	[ 0 ]
Insane	33.3%	[ 2 ]
Pathetic	0.0%	[ 0 ]
Random	16.7%	[ 1 ]
Stuck	0.0%	[ 0 ]
Desperate	0.0%	[ 0 ]
Lonely	33.3%	[ 2 ]
None Of The Above	16.7%	[ 1 ]
Total Votes:			[ 6 ]

[FadingOfTheSilence]

It wasn't meant to rhyme. And the music is sort of an upbeat acoustic guitar, but the singer is singly low and soft. very contradicting. And I toyed with substitutions for blood vessels but that's what was right in my heart. Stakes is actually a reference to vampires. And my heart is stabbing me with stakes. (Extremely metaphorical poem)

Anything else?

cgirl360

Here's a bit of a critique (I've never actually done one before) for your song "Under The Sea" smile

Quote:

Under The Sea
Date Written: 2/12/13
Location: Isabella Lake

I'm conflicted about the title... Automatically, I think of the song from "the Little Mermaid," but it fits the overall underwater theme you have. This song is obviously not a happy one, yet the title makes me prepare for some bubbly adventure under the waves.

Quote:

Tide rolls in
He sails out
My heart aches
Stabbing me with stakes
Piercing my blood vessels
My life flows free

This verse doesn't really rhyme. Not all parts of a song do, but it helps with flow. Usually they don't rhyme when they have a turning point in intonation or speed. (I think it's mostly because I can't hear the music or know the genre to sorta get a feel of maybe what it would sound like)

Also, the line "stabbing me with stakes" is a bit confusing. Is 'he' stabbing you with stake (metaphorically of course), or does the pain feel as if you were being stabbed with stakes? I think it's because you were trying to rhyme here. Other suggestions are: makes, takes, lakes, wakes, fakes, shakes. Those are just off the top of my head. A rhyming website I use when I get stuck is "rhymezone.com."

"Piercing my blood vessels" sounds a bit funny. I suggest changing that to "veins" (arteries are also acceptable, but there's something that tells me 'no' wink ) Again, maybe it's because I can't hear the music.

I think I'm gonna stop there (for now) and give you time to comment on that (I'm starting to feel like I talk too much razz ).

[SENAPEY]

emotion_jawdrop heart heart

[FadingOfTheSilence]

This is just a random poem. I had words I wanted to use, and put them in this. See if you can figure out the meaning.

Red Of Day, Blue Of Night
Date Written: 3/17/2013
Location: My Mind 3nodding

Strolling on this loury gloaming
Cerulean shades gliding the alleys and ways
My lungs fill with air, chilling
Eyes shifting from blues to grays
Twilight is a magical time on Erin

A Stygian eventide descends
It bring with it an overwhelming fog
Hands the color of damask, pretends
The only sound is the call of a frog
Night is a secretive time on Eire

Gealach falls down through the sky
Casting azure beams across the water
This being didn't deserve to die
His blood running crimson into the water
Dawn draws near on the Emerald Isle

Beams of effulgence begin to coruscate
Over the horizon appears Grian
A dark figure runs, lustrously illuminates
On the ground lies a deep vermiel chain
Day has dawned horribly on Hibernia

[FadingOfTheSilence]

After So long I can write again. And it is thanks to a wonderful girl who fills me with a poison know as kindness. The fact that she loves me does seem to help too.

Dreaming Of Royalty
Date: 5/23/2014
Location: The Back Seat Of My '91 Olds

I am dreaming of royalty
Your fashions engulf the room
Silk and satin, folds and furls

Your beauty excites me
Drawing me close
Your voice makes me smile
And warms my soul
Each day more that passes
You grow in my heart
Expanding and stretching
Making me whole

But there is sadness in my eyes
As every part of my mind struggles
To forget this feeling that entangles me

If only the world were kinder
My destiny would be with you
And not to expire
With loneliness in my chest
And bitterness in my soul