Rate my poems..and i'll rate yours^^

[commitsudoku]

Blood rushes to the ground,
life shatters all around.
A tear comes from all the pain,
knowing that this isn't a game.
Voices of your past,
flow through your mind as you start to collaspe.
You fall to the ground...
the final tear falls down.
You slowly move your lips in the need of attention,
but no one's by your side.
Your life starts to collide.
Blood rushes all around,
life shatters all around.
A tear came from all the pain,
as your last thoughts were...
life was a game...
Death creeps upon you..
Silently whispering.."this can't be true..."

i havn't finished it....but plz rate on what i got sweatdrop i was hoping to gain some friends too...anybody wanna be my friend? whee

Oh and plz don't rate it because its gothy,depressing...etc...rate it for what it is biggrin

[KatrinaR]

What you have so far is quite good. Most people are way too redundant on this site and your poetry is refreshing. Work on it a little bit and you can have something really awesome on your hands.

[Miao_Kitty]

i'd give it an 8.5 or 9 - you have "all around" in two lines in a row but the subject is good, even tho it's depressing. but hey - still good ^_^

[Miao_Kitty]

i'll do mine now

I'm not mad about the stupid can opener,
That you stole from me.
I'm mad that you blatantly lied,
You have no respect, I see.
I'm mad that something so stupid
Would merit an exaggerated excuse
Just so you could put,
Your only skill to use.
You’ll get off with everything your way
The "innocent lady"
And we’ll all pay.
When it was you who broke the bridge,
And then set it on fire,
All because you can't live with yourself
Because you are a liar.
For all your falsity,
The truth, we still all know.
You may fool some, for a minute
But soon we see your wretched soul.
You hate yourself
So others must see,
The pink facade, pretty and nice
That’s what they believe, but not me.
You are a weak person
Subjugated, unintelligent, and dominated,
Sweet then spiteful, pointlessly
No one knows so you're not hated.
But they should see
More then a fraction
So that finally you will take
The consequences for your actions.
I'm sorry you are pathetic and insecure
That you feel the need
To shoot others down
On their supposed weakness, you feed.
You wonder why your friends in highschool
Decided one day to just hate you,
They saw your shallowness, but didn't want to say
Until they finally followed through.
I'm sorry you can’t have true friends,
But when all you do is insult them
They'll find out and walk away
Your future looks quite grim.
Friendship is a thing
That only goes both ways, you see
I definitely won't respect you
When (not if) you don't respect me.
-2004

[Miao_Kitty]

hmm..anyone?

[Miao_Kitty]

there now it's actually readable...

[animepurinsesu]

KatrinaR

What you have so far is quite good. Most people are way too redundant on this site and your poetry is refreshing. Work on it a little bit and you can have something really awesome on your hands.

Seems very good to me. O___o; I'm in agreement completly. Except in my opinion the way it needs to be 'worked' is in the grammatical relm.

[Miao_Kitty]

anyone care to rate mine o.O ?

[J-Bird]

It's good...you mispelled collapse on line 6 in the first post.

[Zerthimon]

Suzume: Unlike most gothy poetry, this isn't free verse-I like that, although past/collapse sounds forced. You're trying to work within some boundries instead of rambling all over the place, which is a very good sign.

On the other hand, the subject matter needs a little work. There are very few new things to say about blood, tears, and death. Also, we don't get much of a feeling for the person who's dying. Making him or her an actual person would help bring the poem into focus.

Miao_Kitty, I'm sorry, but your poem needs some work. Tearing into alleged shallow conformists who wear pink is not new. It comes across as petty and spiteful. The poetic voice, well, she's either lashing out spitelfully or sincerely offering advice to this person. Pick one and stick with it. Also, you're not consistant in your characterization. If "no-one knows so you're not hated"how does that jive with "Decided one day to just hate you".

Just as some food for thought, what I always found terrifying about the "popular girls" at school was that they weren't weak and unintelligent. And they certainly weren't dominated.

They were miniture Machilvellis who actually were happy surrounding themselves with friends to play their little games with. They really do like parties and they really do like pink. Not every sort of nastiness comes out of insecurity. I think much better poetry would be written if stereotypical nonconformists realized their opponents aren't always wearing facades.

[commitsudoku]

KatrinaR

What you have so far is quite good. Most people are way too redundant on this site and your poetry is refreshing. Work on it a little bit and you can have something really awesome on your hands.

3nodding i appreciate the comments xd thanks...do you have any poetry to post..i'll be happy to rate it! whee

[commitsudoku]

J-Bird

It's good...you mispelled collapse on line 6 in the first post.

whoops.. sweatdrop i do that sometimes, i type and don't even notice my mistakes...thanks for pointing that out! 3nodding

[commitsudoku]

Zerthimon

Suzume: Unlike most gothy poetry, this isn't free verse-I like that, although past/collapse sounds forced. You're trying to work within some boundries instead of rambling all over the place, which is a very good sign.

On the other hand, the subject matter needs a little work. There are very few new things to say about blood, tears, and death. Also, we don't get much of a feeling for the person who's dying. Making him or her an actual person would help bring the poem into focus.

Miao_Kitty, I'm sorry, but your poem needs some work. Tearing into alleged shallow conformists who wear pink is not new. It comes across as petty and spiteful. The poetic voice, well, she's either lashing out spitelfully or sincerely offering advice to this person. Pick one and stick with it. Also, you're not consistant in your characterization. If "no-one knows so you're not hated"how does that jive with "Decided one day to just hate you".

Just as some food for thought, what I always found terrifying about the "popular girls" at school was that they weren't weak and unintelligent. And they certainly weren't dominated.

They were miniture Machilvellis who actually were happy surrounding themselves with friends to play their little games with. They really do like parties and they really do like pink. Not every sort of nastiness comes out of insecurity. I think much better poetry would be written if stereotypical nonconformists realized their opponents aren't always wearing facades.

Thanks for being honest...i know most of my poems sound "gothy"i mostly write them to show a different way in poetry, or try to..

[commitsudoku]

Miao_Kitty

i'd give it an 8.5 or 9 - you have "all around" in two lines in a row but the subject is good, even tho it's depressing. but hey - still good ^_^

i give yours a 7.5/10 i like the way it sounds 3nodding needs a little work though xd still good though and thanks for the comments on my poem!

[commitsudoku]

animepurinsesu

KatrinaR

What you have so far is quite good. Most people are way too redundant on this site and your poetry is refreshing. Work on it a little bit and you can have something really awesome on your hands.

Seems very good to me. O___o; I'm in agreement completly. Except in my opinion the way it needs to be 'worked' is in the grammatical relm.

whee 3nodding biggrin xd thanks!