Dropped out of college because of depression, I hate my self

[Thongs and Angus]

This was my first year of college. I was a 20 year old freshman going into art education.
I already suffered from servers depression. I had attempted to kill my self before going to college this past summer but ended up calling the crisis hot line. They told me college could be a great thing that would open doors up for me.

So I decided I would go to college, my first week I made no friends. I had friends from my home town who went the same college and they already joined clubs, made new groups of friends. Basically living in the picture perfect college life. Weeks go by and I still didn't make any friends. I hated my classes, I dropped classes, my credit hours went from 16 to thirteen. Still I couldn't handle e work load. I began to cut more than I ever did, almost every night during my college stay. I went from knifes, to razors, to even a pair of scissors. I ended up having had to go there on up pus after the school had me take a depression screening.

From there I thought things were honestly going to change around. That I would "find my self" and be able to do college properly. s**t hit the fan. I tried killing my self in my dorm shower by hanging my self. The school issued a medical leave for me so here I am, typing this in my packed up dorm room, ready to head out.

I told my friends on campus what happened. They told me I was stupid for letting this happy. That I shouldn't drop out. I didn't have much of a choice. I'm not sure if I'm even considered a drop out since it was forced on my part. I tried to explain to them my plans. I would get a job that my dad has for me in our home town, work, go to therapy and get my depression under control, take some art classes at the community college in our home town and go from there. They told me i would fail.

I won't lie. I'm happy to leave this place but now I'm a failure. Everyone expected me to go to college. I was the only one in my whole family to ever had even had the chance to go to college. I blew it. I want to kill my self. I think this was the deciding factor.

I just want to be happy, even if that mean working a job at a gas station and living in a one bedroom apartment. That appeals to me. It's simple. It's what I want. I can't handle overly complicated things. It drives me to cut and do worse things.

Am I really a disappointment, should I just end it now?

[Brother Kam]

Finding some way to see a psychologist or a therapist is the only thing that I can recommend. Surround yourself with positive people. I have a bad habit of doing everything I do by myself and I have always had a very bleak demeanor though when I'm around positive people it can help my mood, even if I don't want it to.

Give it some time and try to talk to anyone, everyone at my gf's art school are super friendly. Hell I look like a drug dealer and people still talk to me and try to be nice when I go with her.

Yeah life sucks and there's not much you can do about it, depression is a b***h and a lot of the time it will take a lot of working towards bettering yourself, a lot of time with a therapist to help identify what's causing your anxiety, or medication.

Unfortunately it's a lot easier to sit in the dark and listen to pink floyd and think about how ******** everything is, you have to find some reason to want to get over it which can be more difficult than anything else. Good luck.

[Raven Winter]

About the only thing I can tell you is that the opinions of others are worth as much as you believe, and their importance is weighed in the same scale. It's fairly common not to succeed at college -- especially if you've never tried it before -- so it's not as big a deal as it's made out to be. Even if some others think less of you for it, that only matters if you believe that it does. You don't really need their approval. It'll be hard, but it sounds like you've learned to gauge your self-worth by the approval or disapproval of others; that could be one of the fundamental problems you're facing. You have to learn to give yourself value based on what you think of yourself and your actions, not what others think about them. You're not alive for them, right?
If you want to work at a gas station and live in a small apartment, that's fine, because it's what you want. Going after what you want and what makes you happy is better than doing what makes you miserable so as to try to avoid disappointing others. Something I've learned: other people will always find reasons to be disappointed in you, even if they're small ones. Rather than attempt to push a boulder uphill, you might as well just lay in the shade of the thing and be comfortable.

[roman throws in the towel]

i might drop out of college if they don't get more generous with the financial aid
the classes i'm taking really don't merit the tuition i'm getting charged

[melonkuma]

In my opinion, if your mind is not focused on school you won't be performing well in your classes. Flunking classes is just a waste of your money, so dropping out until you are ready to be there is not a bad move.

[Brain Weasels]

Eh, I dropped out of high school. You're better than me, at least.

[darkabyssx]

dropping out of college isn't the be all end all. Lots of people drop out of college. Just try to get help from a therapist and spend time with friends and family whom care about you. Theres so much more to life than just the education and a fancy job.

[MemoriesOfGreen]

I went through a lot with depression in my early 20's and also had to put school on the backburner. It doesn't mean you're a failure. You didn't fail school, you're merely shifting yourself to a place where you can get better. That sense of relief you got from leaving college means that you're unburdening yourself from something that wasn't right for you.

Just remember that depression clouds proper thinking. Any feelings of "I've failed" and "I'm not worth anything" is just the lies that uncontrolled depression is telling you. Keep working towards managing your illness. You will eventually feel better with proper counseling and medication if need be.

[Misty_Mystix]

flandrecake

In my opinion, if your mind is not focused on school you won't be performing well in your classes. Flunking classes is just a waste of your money, so dropping out until you are ready to be there is not a bad move.

This, there's no reason why you can't go to college again, you just weren't ready for it in your current condition. Since you only withdrew classes and not flunked them, your GPA can be salvaged there if you go back. Maybe this college wasn't the right fit for you and you could find a better one, maybe you'll find you'll want to pursue another career field. You always have a lot more opportunities than you realize.

[Adversative]

Thongs and Angus

I won't lie. I'm happy to leave this place but now I'm a failure. Everyone expected me to go to college. I was the only one in my whole family to ever had even had the chance to go to college. I blew it. I want to kill my self. I think this was the deciding factor.

I just want to be happy, even if that mean working a job at a gas station and living in a one bedroom apartment. That appeals to me. It's simple. It's what I want. I can't handle overly complicated things. It drives me to cut and do worse things.

You need to focus on your mental health WAY more than you need to worry about school or long-term goals right now. Moving back home, getting a part-time job, doing some part-time classes, doing some therapy are all GREAT plans. And if working in a gas station and living cheaply will make you happy, go for it. Not everyone needs to be a doctor or a CEO.

I do want to add, though, that going on med leave once doesn't mean you failed at college. It means your first try didn't work out. There is ALWAYS the option of a second try. You don't have to take it if it's going to make you unhappy, but it's still there.

(I have at least one friend that left college after one semester and spent a couple of years going in and out of hospitals, trying to get a handle on her depression. Guess what? She went back to college, she got a degree in something-sciencey, and now she works in a lab at MIT.)

[raggedy grrl]

Thongs and Angus

...should I just end it now?

No.

Beyond that, I don't have any answers. Depression eats your brain and then shits in your head.

Sorry, I'll try to think of something more optimistic to say. In the meantime... emotion_hug

[Obscurus]

I can relate to you more than you'll probably ever know.

That said, don't give them the ******** satisfaction. Continue to exist even if it's for nothing more than to piss them off. Don't let those faggots be right.

It's going to take you a while to realize this but you don't have to live your life for anyone but yourself. ******** all those people that put you on some kind of pedestal and expected you to save the world. Maybe if they weren't so goddamn lazy they could save it themselves.

Respect and peace. Hang in there.

[Thongs and Angus]

I feel like I had an obligation to do and I completely messed it up. What if nothing works out for me, what if I fail no matter what. Everything looks so bleak right now.

[xI Beautifully me]

Thongs and Angus

I feel like I had an obligation to do and I completely messed it up. What if nothing works out for me, what if I fail no matter what. Everything looks so bleak right now.

You have to believe in yourself. Saying "what if i fail no matter what" will only bring you down. Stay in the positive zone. Don't give up. Something great is coming for you.

[Posties The Artificer]

Remember, apathetic cats don't coddle the grid, they break dance willynilly.