LDR help (possible rant inside)

[a snail named stitch]

this might be a bit messy because everythings still fresh, the guy im with is from england, but he was living locally when i met him, still is for now. It didn't look like he was going back for years, and i guess i got stupid and let myself fall for him, thats not fair it wasn't stupid he's honestly an amazing guy which i think is what makes this so hard.

We've been through so much the past about half a year, but we worked through everything so well because we gave a s**t about eachother. Now with the way life looks it seems he's leaving for england, and will be staying there for the next 3 years. it'd be beneficial for his career and education to go back there, so i supported him in his choice. he told me "if I was gonna stay I would stay for you" and how much I matter to him, general bae stuff. but i told him after he said all that that I don't want him to stay for me, because I want the best for him.

Oh and by seems I mean he tiptoed around how official the decision was until he finally told me that he dropped out of his american uni yesterday.

i just don't know what to do, i started talking about me and him in the past tense and he got so upset. he says we are going to keep contact but i've never been in a long distance relationship, i know a lot of gaians have so i guess im asking for you're advice, tips and do's and don'ts - we decided that we'll be allowed np to sleep with other people but that'd we keep an emotional connections between us. because i think people have needs and if they aren't allowed to satisfy them that could cause issues

i just care so much for him, and we had this 3 hour conversation about the whole situation and at one point we were both sort of taking in what was happening and he said "I love you". He told me that he knew it'd probably make me feel worse but that I needed to know. And honestly it hurt more that he was telling the truth, just the way his voice was i could tell and it made me feel so crappy for him, for us. and tbh I (terrifiedly) feel the same, but I started crying so hard i couldn't say anything

i've been going on forever and im sorry but please any advice on this situation is honestly so appreciated, I have no clue what to do. He see this future with me logically it seems so impossible. wow ok im gonna shut up this time

TLDR; long distance relationship tips please

[legnanellaf5]

Unless you are actually prepared for an open relationship, I dont think you will actually be together. Ldrs require a lot of commitment and something as non commital as you can ******** other people does tend to mean you arent really there long term, as most people are monogamous.

And if you dont want to be just monogamous, that isnt a convo you have just for 3 hours and then the dude leaves. Poly relationship are a lot of work and figuring out because of boundaries and s**t liek jealousy and you have to then be prepared for that. Which you should do before he leaves.

But chances are in the mono context you are breaking up.

[a snail named stitch]

legnanellaf5

Unless you are actually prepared for an open relationship, I dont think you will actually be together. Ldrs require a lot of commitment and something as non commital as you can ******** other people does tend to mean you arent really there long term, as most people are monogamous.

And if you dont want to be just monogamous, that isnt a convo you have just for 3 hours and then the dude leaves. Poly relationship are a lot of work and figuring out because of boundaries and s**t liek jealousy and you have to then be prepared for that. Which you should do before he leaves.

But chances are in the mono context you are breaking up.

our relationship has been open before, and currently is as long as we're honest with each other. we were about to become monogamous, but with the London thing we said we'd probably postpone that. there was a hiccup with the open honesty policy before but yeah, like i said in the first post we worked through that, the hiccup was in the beginning when we were both kind of freaking that we liked eachother. and recently he stopped seeing any other girls.

oh yeah I totally didn't think it was going to be resolved in three hours, we have about a month - what boundaries do you think are reasonable or unreasonable to lay down? And any tips for sticking together through this?

[ouija bat]

Long distance relationships are hard work, no matter what the situation. You two being that far apart is going to make it harder. You guys need to really sit down and talk about this- you can make it work, but it's gonna be hard for both of you, and you'll each need to make sacrifices. I don't think having an open relationship is gonna help you two stay together, at all. That's just going to complicate things more!

[legnanellaf5]

TheStitchedHeart

legnanellaf5

Unless you are actually prepared for an open relationship, I dont think you will actually be together. Ldrs require a lot of commitment and something as non commital as you can ******** other people does tend to mean you arent really there long term, as most people are monogamous.

And if you dont want to be just monogamous, that isnt a convo you have just for 3 hours and then the dude leaves. Poly relationship are a lot of work and figuring out because of boundaries and s**t liek jealousy and you have to then be prepared for that. Which you should do before he leaves.

But chances are in the mono context you are breaking up.

our relationship has been open before, and currently is as long as we're honest with each other. we were about to become monogamous, but with the London thing we said we'd probably postpone that. there was a hiccup with the open honesty policy before but yeah, like i said in the first post we worked through that, the hiccup was in the beginning when we were both kind of freaking that we liked eachother. and recently he stopped seeing any other girls.

oh yeah I totally didn't think it was going to be resolved in three hours, we have about a month - what boundaries do you think are reasonable or unreasonable to lay down? And any tips for sticking together through this?

Make goals that are realistic, includign seeing eachother. That is going to be a big thing. If you want ot stick together you need to plan long term, and make the effort to keep it together. So visits, talking to eachother online, etc. But dont make the dude your whole life, like him thinkign about ruining his education for you was a BAD thing, and that thinking needs to be thrown away. Go have fun, make friends, enjoy life.

For open relationships, I personally prefer the tell before do stuff, because you dont want to try to retroactively get an okay. If you are in a relationship having the okay from your partner is the most important thing,a nd then of course honesty about if you think it goes to far and waht to do then. Keep it casual with the others, be safe, but if it is getting emotional, think about what that means. I cant tell you to go poly or to cut the new person off, but if you are going to add people this is stuff you have to think about because you cant predict if you are going to get emotionally attached to a new dude.

[Serpent Detergent]

Communication is key in LDR's. Talking on the phone, texting, skype.. that sort of stuff. It helps a lot but it won't fully take away the pain of not having them there with you.
Also, if you both aren't 100% committed to each other, the relationship can fall down the hill very quickly :/
LDR's are really hard, and it'd honestly be easier for you both to break up.. but if you both truly love each other, you guys should be fine.

[CanKneez]

... Glad to see that you are thinking about it now than later. So, give yourself a pat on the back for that. Note: This might be long, but I hope it helps.

In 2010, I got into a relationship with my best friend; knowing full well that I would be leaving for Canada in 2011. That said, I am from Malaysia and that is a 12-13 hour time difference, depending on the time of the year. We had discussed about what we would do in the LDR and things like that but honestly, the one thing that was not discussed properly, was expectations.

My first year in Canada was somewhat brutal because I was adjusting to a new environment and a new culture. So I tend not to reply to her messages and when I did, it was a day late or I completely dropped the previous conversation. And she would get really mad at me for ignoring her. We had that fight multiple times to a point where I really thought that she was not ready for an LDR. I ended things with her the Summer I went back in 2012. (She was still in Malaysia and had quite a lot of time in her hands)

Moral of the story? Things would have gone much smoother if we had talked about our expectations for one another. Such as: how much we would/can communicate, what happens when someone feels like they are being ignored and how the person leaving would be affected from the change of environment.

TLDR: Talk about your expectations and be patient as LDRs are never easy. Make sure you know what you are getting into.

As for your situation with the guy, being in an open relationship differs from one person to the next. Make sure you know you are okay with it and he as well. If one day you wake up and realise you do not want him fooling around with other girls, it's gonna be a problem if he wants to keep doing it. So yeah, as a previous post stated, 100% committed is definitely better for a LDR. Not to say that any less wouldn't work out, it would just be that much harder on yourself and him.

But as a side note: I got back together with her again last summer, and I am still in Canada. Things are working out really well as we now know what we can expect from each other and we try our best to meet those expectations.(She went to London to study and realised it was hard to keep communications with other people. lol) The only hard part left to handle is the physical distance and plans for the future. Thankfully, we roughly know what to do in the few years or so.

So if you do go ahead with the LDR, I wish you all the best. It's definitely doable (just hard). Just make sure to keep communication and your in expectations in check. smile