I hate my roommate

[CupiCupcake]

Hello, I'm an social anxiety ridden nerdy person. I know some people here are super cool, party hardy types, and I guess I kinda wanted less, what should I do, and more, please help me comprehend my roommate because I'm too much of a huge sissy pants to talk to her, and pretty much all my hypothetical talks with her include yelling.

Anyway, I hate my roommate. On the first night I got here, she had received a bong. I attended a party and left immediately to the horrific smell of weed. Now almost every night I have to deal with that smell and her giggly friends when I'm trying to do homework. She invites people over without confirming it with me first, so random people come over constantly. I'm not sure if that is actually a problem or I'm just overreacting to that. It also includes boys, which makes me uncomfortable, because the bathroom sink is in the main living area, so I can't take my shirt off to shave without being afraid a guy is going to burst through the door.

She also thinks everything in the main living space belongs to her, I will put mail, like new papers, magazines, and other free stuff on the kitchen counter walk away, and she will take off with it. She will also take furniture into her room without asking my permission first.

At night she always has people over, while I can work perfectly fine with music playing, what I can't do is work over loud talking, and this happens almost every night. Last night she was cooking at 1 in the morning? Which I found weird, but not really offensive. This morning she was smoking weed in the dorm with a guy friend. I always assumed that alcohol and weed were the same when like, you don't really do it in the morning. So not only at night, but during the day am I being assaulted by the foul smell of marijuana. We aren't even aloud to have it in the dorm, and we are both under 21, which is the legal smoking age here.

I usually shut myself in my room when she's here, I hate having to go out when she's here, I really hate her and everything she does.

Anyway that's my rant. What I'm looking for:
Not necessarily advice per say(ya'know, the old'just talk to her') But more, maybe someone could calmly(or violently shake me while screaming) provide me insight on whether or not, I'm being a huge stick in the mud, or what my roommate reasons for everything is so I could understand. I'm sick of my family telling me, no I'm right, because they're my dumb family and they have to.

Not checking for typos because I don't have the time right now, just ask me to clarify if need be.

[Marrms]

Your family isn't being dumb. You do have right to be offended and find this a problem, you're sharing this living space with this person.. You're respecting her she in turn should be respecting you. I think that if she wants to treat college like a twenty four hour party she needs to find people who share same interests as her.

But I will say that the only way she's ever going to know that things are bothering you is by telling her. Roommate relationships are just like any other, problems don't get fixed if you don't do anything about it.

[CupiCupcake]

Marrmee

Your family isn't being dumb. You do have right to be offended and find this a problem, you're sharing this living space with this person.. You're respecting her she in turn should be respecting you. I think that if she wants to treat college like a twenty four hour party she needs to find people who share same interests as her.

But I will say that the only way she's ever going to know that things are bothering you is by telling her. Roommate relationships are just like any other, problems don't get fixed if you don't do anything about it.

Yeah, I get the whole tell her thing, I'm just really nervous because I don't have many interpersonal relationships, so I don't know how to do it right, especially in a negative situation. That and she is usually around her friends when she is here, and I don't want to talk about it when she has friends over because it seems rude.

[Marrms]

CupiCupcake

Marrmee

Your family isn't being dumb. You do have right to be offended and find this a problem, you're sharing this living space with this person.. You're respecting her she in turn should be respecting you. I think that if she wants to treat college like a twenty four hour party she needs to find people who share same interests as her.

But I will say that the only way she's ever going to know that things are bothering you is by telling her. Roommate relationships are just like any other, problems don't get fixed if you don't do anything about it.

Yeah, I get the whole tell her thing, I'm just really nervous because I don't have many interpersonal relationships, so I don't know how to do it right, especially in a negative situation. That and she is usually around her friends when she is here, and I don't want to talk about it when she has friends over because it seems rude.

Do you guys a counselor or someone that could a be third party? If so maybe you could express to them some of your issues and the fact that you're nervous about doing it alone. If not you're can you let her know that you guys need to have a sit down and go over a few things together when she has the time..

[1aphy]

CupiCupcake

Marrmee

Your family isn't being dumb. You do have right to be offended and find this a problem, you're sharing this living space with this person.. You're respecting her she in turn should be respecting you. I think that if she wants to treat college like a twenty four hour party she needs to find people who share same interests as her.

But I will say that the only way she's ever going to know that things are bothering you is by telling her. Roommate relationships are just like any other, problems don't get fixed if you don't do anything about it.

Yeah, I get the whole tell her thing, I'm just really nervous because I don't have many interpersonal relationships, so I don't know how to do it right, especially in a negative situation. That and she is usually around her friends when she is here, and I don't want to talk about it when she has friends over because it seems rude.

I would just start passively complaining. For example, when it smells like weed, just say out loud to no one in particular "It ******** stinks in here," then walk away. Just let her know without saying it directly to her that you feel uncomfortable. Ask her to smoke it outside. If she takes your stuff, take it back. There are a lot of ways to stand up for yourself without directly confronting her. If she leaves something in the main room, take it. If she complains to you, bring up to her that she does the same s**t. If she gets aggressive don't back down. There's nothing wrong with being a shut in, so if she start insulting you because 'you are a loser who doesn't like to party or have fun,' don't take it personally. She's the loser who's addicted to weed. Just own your space. Don't hide in your room. You pay an equal share of rent I'm assuming so you have an equal share of the space. Just own it.

[ly-tel-quessir]

If you find her truly difficult to live with, is there anyway you can either leave or get her moved?

[legnanellaf5]

1. Talk to her. Being passive or passive aggressive will NOT solve things. She may not understand that you are uncomfortable with guys being there unless you know...you say so.
2. Make rules and be realistic. Cooking at 1 am is not a big deal. But smoking to the point wher eit is all over the dorm is. Telling her to not smoke wont work, but you can say hey can you try to do it outside, or to get someting to cover the smell, etc.
3. If you really cant get to a compromise, bring in your don. Talking to your family doesnt do s**t, they cant do s**t. But the person who is there to mediate issues can.

[CupiCupcake]

Thank you everyone for the advice, I'll attempt to be more assertive with how I approach this. I should probably talk with her because she took the coffee table again.

drasmyrian

If you find her truly difficult to live with, is there anyway you can either leave or get her moved?

I was thinking of telling the staff as a last resort. I feel it is probably a bad idea to just call them without confronting her first.

[ShadowSkies]

I have lived with a lot of different personalities.

A lot.

A few of them I didn't care for, but I still got along with everyone I lived with.

So, to put things in her perspective:
It's her home, too, and home is where you can relax. She may not even know you're annoyed, since people who are usually 'go out and do things and move furniture and take things' are the kind of people who are used to dealing with others who speak up. And for her, telling her, 'hey, I need the chair to study' is completely non-offensive and just an objective statement, and in no way personal. For the weed thing, moooostttt people who smoke it up where I live (and I live in a very liberal part of the world) usually go outside if it's not their home, but stay inside if it is. Like I said, it's just a 'home comfort' thing. That could totally have been okay with her past living situations, and since you haven't said anything, she probably thinks it's not such a big deal to you.
Like, to me, you come off as a quiet type.

Now, the thing is, they are things that DO bother you. I would pick one, like the pot, and say "Hey dude, it's distracting to have that smell between so and so, and so and so, could you do it outside?"
I say pick one, otherwise she's going to feel a bit attacked, and being sideswiped when you didn't know your actions were causing someone discomfort isn't fair. She deserves a chance to change her behaviours.
Her reaction to the pot will tell you a lot. If she argues, suggest that it might be better to find different roomies, since you're not happy with the current situation, and if she's not happy with changing, the two of you cannot be mutually happy, and need to escalate to a higher authority.

If she doesn't argue, and does change her habits, then she's awesome, and you can probably get away with asking her things like "Could you please have a quiet night, tonight?" And you'll get more and more comfortable in communicating you wants.

I wish you good luck!

[SpanishHeart27]

CupiCupcake

Hello, I'm an social anxiety ridden nerdy person. I know some people here are super cool, party hardy types, and I guess I kinda wanted less, what should I do, and more, please help me comprehend my roommate because I'm too much of a huge sissy pants to talk to her, and pretty much all my hypothetical talks with her include yelling.

Anyway, I hate my roommate. On the first night I got here, she had received a bong. I attended a party and left immediately to the horrific smell of weed. Now almost every night I have to deal with that smell and her giggly friends when I'm trying to do homework. She invites people over without confirming it with me first, so random people come over constantly. I'm not sure if that is actually a problem or I'm just overreacting to that. It also includes boys, which makes me uncomfortable, because the bathroom sink is in the main living area, so I can't take my shirt off to shave without being afraid a guy is going to burst through the door.

She also thinks everything in the main living space belongs to her, I will put mail, like new papers, magazines, and other free stuff on the kitchen counter walk away, and she will take off with it. She will also take furniture into her room without asking my permission first.

At night she always has people over, while I can work perfectly fine with music playing, what I can't do is work over loud talking, and this happens almost every night. Last night she was cooking at 1 in the morning? Which I found weird, but not really offensive. This morning she was smoking weed in the dorm with a guy friend. I always assumed that alcohol and weed were the same when like, you don't really do it in the morning. So not only at night, but during the day am I being assaulted by the foul smell of marijuana. We aren't even aloud to have it in the dorm, and we are both under 21, which is the legal smoking age here.

I usually shut myself in my room when she's here, I hate having to go out when she's here, I really hate her and everything she does.

Anyway that's my rant. What I'm looking for:
Not necessarily advice per say(ya'know, the old'just talk to her') But more, maybe someone could calmly(or violently shake me while screaming) provide me insight on whether or not, I'm being a huge stick in the mud, or what my roommate reasons for everything is so I could understand. I'm sick of my family telling me, no I'm right, because they're my dumb family and they have to.

Not checking for typos because I don't have the time right now, just ask me to clarify if need be.

This kind of incompatibility could compromise your education. I am also saying this out of wisdom on my experience because I had roommates who did not respect my studying time and such. I did not assert my needs (i.e. a quiet environment for studying, balancing food budget [which I went hungry for failing to be assertive], etc.) and I failed a class. That was a harsh loss I had to make-up for.

What your describing is not outside the range of reason.

Can you request to exchange roommates with someone of similar values? The person that is responsible for the dorm living arrangements should make accommodations. The college should be responsible ensuring that you have a good educational experience, that is part of their goal.

[Vailwolf]

Talk to her about it and if she doesn't change it then go to your landlord or whatever.

Pretty simple.

[Rosa Imperatrix]

First off, no, I don't think you're being unreasonable because personally, that sounds like a ******** nightmare, and I would not handle it very well.

Second, she might not know that she's bothering you, and she won't know unless you say something. Try to calmly speak to her about it, if she flips out or ignores you, just go talk to a counselor about getting a new room or something. Sorry if that didn't help a lot, I'm not familiar with dorms, nor do I ever plan to be.