AnonymousInsaneInsomniac
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- Posted: Sun, 13 Apr 2014 04:45:36 +0000
In order for anyone to really understand what I mean when I say this, I'm going to have to provide a bit of a back story.
A few years ago, I was assigned as this guy's lab partner. We started hanging out during classes, and because I was so notoriously shy, everyone around us thought we were cute together. After a while of this, he started acting funny around me. He started trying to ask me out, but couldn't quite say it, and due to my insecurities I felt he had to for me to say yes, otherwise I couldn't be sure I wasn't just misunderstanding him. He repeated a lot of stuff about "being a gutless coward," because he couldn't talk to girls. (Which is weird, because, while he isn't a player, he's had plenty of girlfriends and just about every girl in the school has fallen for him at one point or another.) But then, he started drifting away from me, and I admit, I became kind of jealous and treated him pretty badly. But he always forgave me, and he did eventually ask me out. I said yes, but the next day he said he just wanted to be friends. I WAS going through puberty at the time, so it kind of threw me off for a long time, but we stayed friends.
Now, fast forward several years, and we are seniors. I haven't felt jealous of any of his girlfriends since I (thought) I got over him, and I've opened up a lot more, particularly now that my long term depression has been treated and dealt with. Our class recently went to Ashland for the day to see a play at the Shakespeare Festival, (Which was GREAT by the way!) and I had to sit in the front of the bus due to motion sickness, with the teacher and principal. He hung out with me on the bus for the entire bus ride, to Ashland and from, although he hung out with the guys when we got there. We had a great time, talking and laughing, but then on the way back, I got really sick. Everything I'd drank or eaten that day came back up, very suddenly. Even the water I drank to wash away the taste of the vomit came back up. Both he and the teacher held my hair out of my face while I puked, and got the other kids to pass up napkins for me when I was finished. It was late by the time we got back to school, and dark, and my dad had called and said he couldn't pick me up. The teacher offered me a ride, but he said he'd do it and she didn't argue. It was a very short ride, but during that time, he said something that has, once again, thrown me off.
"I hate being a coward." All he said about the comment was that he couldn't get the nerve to ask out the girl he likes. He didn't say anything else, and I didn't want to push him for details, so I changed the subject and we talked and laughed for a few minutes until he dropped me off.
He doesn't usually talk to me about these things. We graduate in a few months, at which point I will be headed off for college in the summer. The "coward" thing has really gotten to me, since it was what he said the first time he asked me out. I know the only way to be sure how he feels is to ask him, but I would really appreciate your opinions. Is he interested in me, or was he just hoping for my advice on the matter?
It's worth noting that I have often felt like a "surrogate girlfriend" for this friend, because when he's single he spends a lot more time with me, and gets a lot more hands-on. He pokes me in the side because I squeak when startled, etc., and he smiles a lot more when we talk. I feel like the backup. Don't get me wrong, this doesn't upset me. I love to help my friends, and if pestering me keeps his spirits up when he's single that's fine. I like hanging out with him, even if it's just at school. I've never held anything against him for what happened in the past. He's a very nice guy, everybody knows him and no one has anything bad to say against him, not even his exes. I was suspicious when I first met him, but now I consider him one of my closest friends, and though he doesn't know it, without him I don't think I would have conquered my depression. I probably would have committed suicide.
I'm wondering if I'm imagining my old feelings for him coming back up because I want so badly to be loved, and with prom coming up I really don't want to be alone. I've never dated before, and don't count the fling with him because literally nothing happened. We didn't even hold hands. He seems like the perfect match, even my parents love him, so maybe I'm attracted to the idea of dating him? And maybe that feeling is mutual. I just don't know anymore. I'm afraid to hope, because I don't want to get hurt again, and even if he DOES like me he probably won't say it. Whether he knows it or not, he's a MASTER of mixed signals, and I'm very confused.
We did talk about our ideal lives on the bus, and we both agreed that we wanted to settle down and have families, and he mentioned that he really likes to slow dance.
Were these signals that he likes me? Is he pining for another girl and accidentally sending me the wrong signals? Or is he not sure how he feels about me, and just wants to keep me around in case he decides he does like me? Am I reading WAY too far into this? I want to ask him, but I can't get him alone at school and besides, I don't want to seem pushy. Neither of us have ever set up a time outside of school to hang out, and I don't have his email. I can send him messages on facebook, but he never reads them because he's rarely on.
I apologize for the scattered post, my mind is pretty scattered so it's hard to organize my thoughts right now. If nothing else, I would like someone to talk to to get my mind off of him. It's not healthy to dwell on things like this.
A few years ago, I was assigned as this guy's lab partner. We started hanging out during classes, and because I was so notoriously shy, everyone around us thought we were cute together. After a while of this, he started acting funny around me. He started trying to ask me out, but couldn't quite say it, and due to my insecurities I felt he had to for me to say yes, otherwise I couldn't be sure I wasn't just misunderstanding him. He repeated a lot of stuff about "being a gutless coward," because he couldn't talk to girls. (Which is weird, because, while he isn't a player, he's had plenty of girlfriends and just about every girl in the school has fallen for him at one point or another.) But then, he started drifting away from me, and I admit, I became kind of jealous and treated him pretty badly. But he always forgave me, and he did eventually ask me out. I said yes, but the next day he said he just wanted to be friends. I WAS going through puberty at the time, so it kind of threw me off for a long time, but we stayed friends.
Now, fast forward several years, and we are seniors. I haven't felt jealous of any of his girlfriends since I (thought) I got over him, and I've opened up a lot more, particularly now that my long term depression has been treated and dealt with. Our class recently went to Ashland for the day to see a play at the Shakespeare Festival, (Which was GREAT by the way!) and I had to sit in the front of the bus due to motion sickness, with the teacher and principal. He hung out with me on the bus for the entire bus ride, to Ashland and from, although he hung out with the guys when we got there. We had a great time, talking and laughing, but then on the way back, I got really sick. Everything I'd drank or eaten that day came back up, very suddenly. Even the water I drank to wash away the taste of the vomit came back up. Both he and the teacher held my hair out of my face while I puked, and got the other kids to pass up napkins for me when I was finished. It was late by the time we got back to school, and dark, and my dad had called and said he couldn't pick me up. The teacher offered me a ride, but he said he'd do it and she didn't argue. It was a very short ride, but during that time, he said something that has, once again, thrown me off.
"I hate being a coward." All he said about the comment was that he couldn't get the nerve to ask out the girl he likes. He didn't say anything else, and I didn't want to push him for details, so I changed the subject and we talked and laughed for a few minutes until he dropped me off.
He doesn't usually talk to me about these things. We graduate in a few months, at which point I will be headed off for college in the summer. The "coward" thing has really gotten to me, since it was what he said the first time he asked me out. I know the only way to be sure how he feels is to ask him, but I would really appreciate your opinions. Is he interested in me, or was he just hoping for my advice on the matter?
It's worth noting that I have often felt like a "surrogate girlfriend" for this friend, because when he's single he spends a lot more time with me, and gets a lot more hands-on. He pokes me in the side because I squeak when startled, etc., and he smiles a lot more when we talk. I feel like the backup. Don't get me wrong, this doesn't upset me. I love to help my friends, and if pestering me keeps his spirits up when he's single that's fine. I like hanging out with him, even if it's just at school. I've never held anything against him for what happened in the past. He's a very nice guy, everybody knows him and no one has anything bad to say against him, not even his exes. I was suspicious when I first met him, but now I consider him one of my closest friends, and though he doesn't know it, without him I don't think I would have conquered my depression. I probably would have committed suicide.
I'm wondering if I'm imagining my old feelings for him coming back up because I want so badly to be loved, and with prom coming up I really don't want to be alone. I've never dated before, and don't count the fling with him because literally nothing happened. We didn't even hold hands. He seems like the perfect match, even my parents love him, so maybe I'm attracted to the idea of dating him? And maybe that feeling is mutual. I just don't know anymore. I'm afraid to hope, because I don't want to get hurt again, and even if he DOES like me he probably won't say it. Whether he knows it or not, he's a MASTER of mixed signals, and I'm very confused.
We did talk about our ideal lives on the bus, and we both agreed that we wanted to settle down and have families, and he mentioned that he really likes to slow dance.
Were these signals that he likes me? Is he pining for another girl and accidentally sending me the wrong signals? Or is he not sure how he feels about me, and just wants to keep me around in case he decides he does like me? Am I reading WAY too far into this? I want to ask him, but I can't get him alone at school and besides, I don't want to seem pushy. Neither of us have ever set up a time outside of school to hang out, and I don't have his email. I can send him messages on facebook, but he never reads them because he's rarely on.
I apologize for the scattered post, my mind is pretty scattered so it's hard to organize my thoughts right now. If nothing else, I would like someone to talk to to get my mind off of him. It's not healthy to dwell on things like this.