Dirty Little Secrets [Announcement 11/8/2023| Reminder 2024]

Before I go, I've got to know:

Is that what you mean to say?	29.5%	[ 779 ]
Before I rise to my defense,	4.9%	[ 130 ]
Before I speak in hurt or fear,	5.6%	[ 148 ]
Before I build that wall of words,	4.3%	[ 113 ]
Tell me: did I really hear?	10.1%	[ 266 ]
Words are windows, or they're walls,	9.8%	[ 259 ]
They sentence us, or set us free.	6.2%	[ 163 ]
When I speak and when I hear,	3.0%	[ 78 ]
Let the love light shine through me.	26.7%	[ 707 ]
Total Votes:			[ 2643 ]

[Your Fxxcking Majesty]

SCARLET GOSPELS

lL U C lI lF lE lR

It's so strange how I want to connect with people yet I want to be left alone.

[Your Fxxcking Majesty]

i'm so tired and I have a headache but you had a migraine today so i can't have something wrong too

i also hated wasting the day in bed but at least i got to the gym earlier

and ofc it happened right when we might have a serious talk ahaha
it's like clockwork tbh

[Misanthropic Majesty]

Your Fxxcking Majesty

SCARLET GOSPELS

lL U C lI lF lE lR

It's so strange how I want to connect with people yet I want to be left alone.

I think it's because connecting is so much effort. There's no certainty that the person you're connecting with will stick around or be consistent. It's draining trying to put in a lot of effort for it to not work out, or it not be what you wanted or needed. I think about T and the roller coaster it's been over the year and it's not been what I've fully wanted. I can't discount the good in all of it, but I'm always yearning for more... but that's always been my problem, too: I need more. There has never been anything that was enough.

[no scheisse]

i didnt go to therapy today like i was supposed to but i told her and rescheduled. now my brother is here but i didnt even say hi yet. i just feel really worn out today.

[no scheisse]

i stopped taking my antidepressants a while back. now im just off of them. it wasnt doing s**t to help the now messy situation

[no scheisse]

and my friend is wondering if i can visit and i just...dont wanna interact. dont respond to msgs anymore

[no scheisse]

its a mix of depression and not knowing what to do around people now. i appreciate my friend, its just hard to be around people.

[no scheisse]

im not very entertaining. ive gotten boring

[SophieSuffocate]

"Today is silence. Got nothing to say. I'm just here."

[danndelion]

━━˖°˖ ☾☆☽ ˖°˖ ━━━━━━━

haven't spoken to T in a month.
wonder if he'll respond to me.
dunno if i want him to or not.
he just got so... predictable.
i got bored and didn't really care to talk anymore.

ig i wind up doing that to everyone.

━━━━━━━━━━⚝☾⋆⭒˚｡⋆

[danndelion]

━━˖°˖ ☾☆☽ ˖°˖ ━━━━━━━

bro there are so many ******** wasps and yellow jackets around my house.
i was leaning against my car when i heard a wasp droning by,
so i backed away and watched that mf crawl behind my taillight 😰
that's the last fkn thing i need.
and i mean he went straight in it too he knew where he was going.
they're all up in the exterior walls of my place.
gotta be careful when i'm coming and going bc they love to chill right by the doors.
just another ******** nuisance on top of everything.

━━━━━━━━━━⚝☾⋆⭒˚｡⋆

[mewkittyy]

i was very turned off by his attitude today, but he apologized when we went to wendy's on his lunch break. he explained his attitude towards the EL coming to talk with everyone.

i get it, it's fake. but as a leader you have to encourage it. we are both in leadership, so we don't really have a choice. i see where he's coming from and i feel so much better now, i felt an ick towards him for a little bit.

i just want to start our life together already, surprisingly he seems to be on the same page. he wants me to fart in front of him and get it over with already. gdi. rofl

[Butcher]

I'm so tired of constantly feeling like
everyone is mad at me but refuses to confess?
Watch your tone around me or square up already.

[Everyday Arson Man]

Someday, I wouldn't mind finding love again. It'd have to be with someone who sees the world similarly to the way I do, though: critically, understanding that it's deeply flawed and broken, but still trying to see the beauty in it anyway. That's... god, that's such a powerful mindset to me. Being able to engage in discussing real issues thoughtfully but also saying, "man, the way the mountains are climbing up into that canopy of rain clouds is absolutely surreal, I love it."

God I hate talking about this sort of thing. It feels shameful for some reason. Why is it so inappropriate to want companionship?

_


There are a lot of gatekeepers at the gym--or, at least, on social media surrounding the gym. I don't think I follow a single male fitfluencer. I do believe there are some out there who are really great and inclusive! I just, I'm immediately in awe of how the strongwomen I follow are like, "hey man i did a cool thing and it's totally possible to do cool things urself get after it friend"

It's a mentality thing. Getting stronger should realistically only be a competition with oneself, and we should lift each other up as we strive for whatever goals we may have for ourselves.

idk man, I guess I just am tired of all the self-magnification-by-way-of-put-downs. There's just really no need for it in today's day and age. It screams insecurity and just pushes people away from being whatever they want to be, you know? And man, the audacity of thinking oneself the arbiter of someone else's worthiness to seek change meaningful to them--like, man, ******** off with that.

[Everyday Arson Man]

I should mention: that sentiment is kind of across the board, not just dickheads trying to jerk themselves off on Instagram by shaming how other people pursue their fitness goals.

Though, this was also a bit of a shift for me as well. I noticed I struggled with... okay now this is embarrassing, but I was a bit elitist with Destiny for a while. I wouldn't actively shame people for x/y/z, but I would shy away from helping people with tougher content if I thought they weren't "good enough" for it. But in doing so, I was affirming "wow I'm so good look at me." And that put pressure on myself to back it up. And, like, it was a bit of a vicious cycle for me, where I'd stress perfection and agonize over lost efficiency and the whole thing just became work. Then I started allowing myself to say s**t like, "man, I suck." Not entirely there yet, but then it became, "man, I'm a'ight--but there's someone out there who's better, inevitably. Many." Then it became, "bro it's a game. My friends don't need me to be top-tier, they need me to be me and fun and a team player."

Once I allowed myself some kindness and grace to not be the best, I started viewing a lot of things differently. Once I removed myself from comparisons, comparisons really just stopped making sense. And in doing so, I stopped being a little s**t to everyone for having the audacity to try lmao.

Not that these aren't deeply engrained patterns from a long childhood history of inferiority complexes. It's of course a process to rewire these long-maintained cognitive structures. But I guess it's funny how a lot of implicit kindness can flow once you start giving yourself a little kindness to just exist as you are.