I have a confession to make.
There isn;t a day that passes that I don't think of killing myself anymore. My depression has become less of just an issue and more of a disease that is slowly eating at me until I am no more. I don't know how much more I can take of it. It becomes increasingly harder to get out of the bed anymore, day after day. Every night I go to bed, tossing and turning trying like hell to get my mind to shut up. Then I wake up every morning, trying to decide if its even worth getting up and going about my business.
I have a family that have decided that I am not worth their time, to the point when I call them on every major holiday, and occasionally just to chat, and they can't pick up their phone or even call me back. I dont even get a courtesy text. They have pretty much purged me out of their life, and the only way I can even find out if they are okay is through facebook, which I am tired of.
All of my friends that I grew up with have abandoned me. Not a single one of them from back in West Virginia keep in contact with me anymore. I thought I meant something to them, you know? But anymore, it doesn't seem like it. I was just a pawn to all of them, just for them to use me and throw me away when they were done. I was with them all through all the bad, but not a single one could do the same for me.
The only good thing I have is Chris right now. The only one that will stay with me through everything, and I am scared I can't even trust that. I have been so unbelievably depressed, I am afraid he is not strong enough to deal with it. All I do is cry and whine anymore. I can't even bring up small things without him sighing and heaving. That or he cries. He feels like he isn't enough for me, especially with the Jessica situation spiraling out of control. I wish he understood and actually believed I love him. I could not be without him. But I fear he doesn't trust me.
Then the Jessica thing... I really wish she would just take me back,take US back. and happily be with me and Chris. I'm not looking to her to cure my depression; thats just silly. I couldn't put that burden on her. However, I do believe it would make me happier. But... shes not ready for a relationship right now. Shes got her whole life planned out, and I believe that I cannot and wont be able to disturb that. Its taking everything I have not to just run away after contacting her again. Its how I am. I have to save myself from hetting hurt. I want to ask her if she could at least try if she wants to still visit in October, but I am scared.
And work? Dont even get me started. I work in a thankless job and work my a** off day to day just to be called lazy by the end of it. I clean up everyones messes, work with the nastiest customers, catch more shop lifters then anyone else... and I still have a boss that tries to get me to quit on a daily basis. I don't know how much longer I can take it...
Maybe I should just kill myself. It would save so much time and effort. I don't have a single friend that would care, it would save Chris all the pain of bring with me, open a position for someone at work, and just... take everything off of my family. It would make everyone happier.
Not to mention, I wouldn't have to feel this pain anymore...