About
Okay, so...
I play video games.
I work.
I watch movies.
I read, I write.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words-- "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus' flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me? Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.
Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some chihuahuas with some good ideas.
Journal
A Journal That Doesn't Have Herpes
:B
Things that fall out of my fingers.
Signature
When life begins with needles and pins, it ends with swords and knives.
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