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Report | 02/22/2010 5:27 pm

Dantes_Sin_of_Greed

Umm...You still alive Haven't heard from you in a while and I was starting to worry? On a side note, remember HVHd20?

Report | 02/10/2010 7:16 pm

Dantes_Sin_of_Greed

Ok...You send the first pm.

Frustrated at what? It's not good to bottle it in, you know?

Report | 02/10/2010 7:04 pm

Dantes_Sin_of_Greed

Ok...Well, let's see what we can get done right now, just by talking. So, how does it start?

Erin, is something wrong?

Report | 02/10/2010 6:42 pm

Dantes_Sin_of_Greed

Well, let us start by developing the beginning and the end...That's what I do with stories, so that way I have an idea of where to go.

Cold-hearted? Women Spurning? Wow, now where did those come from?

Report | 02/10/2010 5:05 pm

Dantes_Sin_of_Greed

If you so desire....So, where do you want to begin? Cause I want to get this planned out!

And they are...Glad to know that you cared.

Report | 02/10/2010 8:27 am

Dantes_Sin_of_Greed

Dusk is fine, it'll give Raiz a good reason to send the children off and do something. After they leave, then Raiz and cross duke it out. I mean, the fight is over once the kids come back-Cross stipulates in his contract that he doesn't kill children. Mind if I handle the fight between the two?

Report | 02/09/2010 2:39 pm

Dantes_Sin_of_Greed

Ok, I'll be adding to that much later on...Just a small blurb where Cross and his squad are trying to protect the village, while trying to evacuate at the same time.

Then we shall make it Made of Epic Win. Here,lets start now...Show me what you have for an outline, and then let us see what we can do.

Report | 02/09/2010 8:16 am

Dantes_Sin_of_Greed

Yes, that helps...I only ask because I am going to be using him from time to time, and I don't want to derail his character. Now, I need to know the exact details of his death, please? No, I don't plan on bringing him back to life-It goes against one of my cardinal rules of writing. It'll just help me construct Cross's back story-Mainly the part where he escapes from the village while it is under attack.

Don't worry too much about what that test says, ok? I tossed it to you because I had just got done using it myself, and thought that it might help if you were worried. Just focus on her development, and the rest of the characters as well, and it should turn out ok. As a practice, try writing out a scene between her and her sqaud (Since they are all OC) that you don't intend to show anyone. Just write out a scene, look at it, review it, and save it for later. Keep doing that, changing the scene as you go. It'll help you get a grasp on the characters, or a firmer hold if you already have ideas. Just make sure you write it out, don't just think it out-Write. Helps me alot.

And yeah, since my character is going to be involved...Then yes, I'll gladly help you. I'm shooting for Epic, so what are you aiming for?

Report | 02/08/2010 6:40 pm

Dantes_Sin_of_Greed

Well, more on personality would be nice...That's about it.

And good, glad to see you have things going great. Cross will be the antagonist for the Cr ank...And we'll work that one out together, ok?

O, and a as an-anti sue warning: try this and see what you get: http://www.springhole.net/quizzes/marysue.htm

Cross scored a 22, so I'm fairly confident about him.

Report | 02/08/2010 2:18 pm

Dantes_Sin_of_Greed

All right, and tell me more about Meiou's brother...It's gonna be kinda important, later on. Mind if I make Cross, Meiou's brother, and an OC Med nin of mine a squad? (Like their were one in the past, before all the fun stuff happened.)

O, and specifics on Meiou's mission...It's kinda Cross' as well...

Report | 02/08/2010 9:13 am

Dantes_Sin_of_Greed

Well, I want to start writing the Gaiden chapters...More or less, what I'm looking for is stuff that will help me write them. Like their first mission, Cross is supposed to meat with Meiou as the bad guy, right?

Report | 02/07/2010 6:54 pm

Dantes_Sin_of_Greed

Just keep the Twilight out of your writing, and I won't kill you.

Star crossed romances are alright...Personally, I find them a little over played for our age group.

So, if you don't mind me asking, what's the plot like for the fic?

Report | 02/07/2010 8:33 am

Dantes_Sin_of_Greed

Yeah for you not wanting to kill me! I tend to do that to people when I critique work...Glad you got everything I said, and a note about the purple prose: Whatever you do, don't lose your detail in fear of what you are writing becoming purple prose...(Really, my normal example is a bad example...It's so bland and dry, it was there to accentuate my purple prose example...)

And I'm going to take a guess: You like Twilight, don't you?

Report | 02/06/2010 8:03 pm

Dantes_Sin_of_Greed

Hey, where's my credit for Marumaru? Just messing with ya...And you didn't have to with Raz, I was teasing...Still, it does look nice and shiny, and makes me feel important and....Can I have the next credit in gold neon, with my name displayed abov-wait, below? Which would be better, above or below? Maybe directly to the side...

Anyways, here are my notes(This is a warning, I'm in Beta mode...Don't take what I say too seriously, and if remember rule 0 of writing: Your opinion first):

Raz was done well, there is no doubt about it. Which means that I have to nit-pick in order to comment on him. That's a good sign. So far, you have done a good job of making him seem like how I described him, although his physical description threw me for a loop...Not that there is anything wrong with it, no, I just didn't picture him that tall...Now that I think of it, I kinda like it that way.

I like that, as a running gag, he's able to come out of the shadows from absolutely no where. I'd say play it up, and be it like, whenever you say his name, you just hear a cough and he's right behind you. Better yet, a cough and his simple, "That's my name." from him and the person he was behind just freak out and be like Meiou was when he did it to her at the hospital. Also, the blank stare...Perfect, really. Makes a great thinking face for him.

How he ruffles his students hair...Good.

However, there were two things that bothered me with him. First, the scene where he pulls Meiou aside and talks to her after they first meet...It seemed to break his personality and serve only as a scene to boost Meiou. To be precise, the lines “To bear such a burden and to know so much and yet so little,” and "Don’t be ashamed of this passion and love for your family – it will help you in the years to come.” really weren't necessary. However, the line in between those two...That's gold and a good guiding line for his personality when he's being tender-ish. His reaction to the family bit afterwords was great, and really the only thing that seemed off was Meiou's proclamation of that. Just seemed a little too much-Would work for manga and anime, but didn't seem right in writing. however, it fit her character and works for her.

Now, for my second thing with Raz...Right now, you could sub him for just about any Johnin and not notice the difference. He doesn't seem to have much of a personality now, but that's understandable-He's only been around for one chapter, and not the entire chapter either. Just keep this in mind and try to make him his own person, and not some generic Johnin Clone.

Ok, as for the chapter itself. I like it. Simple as that. There is only one thing I wish to talk to you about: Your writing style. How you write is a little purple prosey? What does that mean? It means that you describe every possible thing, action, behavior, and like in as much detail as necessary. Example: [Normal] It was raining, and the combination of wind and rain was putting out the torches across the street. [Purple prose] "It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents — except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness."

Can you see the difference? If not, let me know now. Fortunately, YOU ARE NOT A TERRIBLE WRITER FOR DOING THAT! Just, when you do description for descriptions sake, it can weigh down your writing and make people want to skim or not read it. Keep writing as you do now, but if you find yourself describing exactly how Meiou took a step with her left foot, you might want to stop and think if you need that or not. Basically, be concise-short to moderate length, but still informing your audience of everything you wish to inform them of.

As for the smu-Err, I mean Meiou's discovery

Report | 02/05/2010 11:33 pm

Dantes_Sin_of_Greed

Read it and have some questions for you: Ok,your using Raz (Hey, where's my credit!!! GRRR), still want some tips on him? And when do you want the first Gaiden chapter? O, and do you want help with action/fighting scenes? Those are my specialty...O, and how have you been doing?

Report | 01/26/2010 9:30 pm

Dantes_Sin_of_Greed

Sorry if it seemed like I was lecturing...Just trying to be your beta-ish-thingy type person...

And glad you can see my point...Still want to see the chapters, if you don't mind? Please?

Report | 01/26/2010 8:58 pm

Dantes_Sin_of_Greed

Ok, just a suggestion.

As for Razen, I'll give you pointers, but ultimately he is in your hands. It'll be a good learning experience for you and teach you how to write characters like him. Note that I left the physical description out, I'm leaving that up to you.

And don't think I'm lectureing when I say this, I am not and trying very hard not to sound like it. I just want to warn you about having to many characters. Form one solid core, group of 5, maybe ten people, and put everything you have into them. It's why I suggest Meiou pairs with someone from her sqaud.

Report | 01/26/2010 8:02 pm

Dantes_Sin_of_Greed

Ummm...Pairings, I'd say the Nanaki. I think he compliments her, and I think it would be horribly funny to see him try to approach love analytically, while dealing with a girl who doesn't know anything about it.

As for the Dogs name: Maru-Maru. Why? I like how it sounds, and it sounds really funny.

Teacher: Razen Kumara (Pronoucend Rie-Zen Kuh-mar-ah): A recently demoted Black Ops Genjutsu specialist. He ******** up bad during a recent mission (Something along the lines of accidentally misapplying his Genjutsu, and got everyone in his squad except for him and the med-nin killed.) and was demoted to Johnin, and assigned to train students. A decent enough guy, he's nice but firm, and is not afraid to allow his students to take the foreground, and him just observe. However, due to his recent demotion, he is very strict on how combat should go and more or less is a walking book on combat forms, functions, kata, and plans (as all Former Black Ops should be). If his students want to try something on their own, he will let them; but, they will follow what he has taught them down to a T, or he will beat a lecture into them later.

He his very intelligent, probably to the point of being able to take Shikomaru in Chess (Shoji), but needs time to think. As such, he is not very good at coming up with solutions on the spot, and if pressed to, his typical solution is to throw up a Genjutsu to buy him time to formulate a plan. But given time, there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that can or will stop him. He specializes in Genjutsu, to the point of having an S rank (Maybe higher?) in it. However, he absolutely sucks at at Taijutsu, and is only above average at Ninjutsu. His preferred weapon is a Sickle with weighted chain, and he is very much a long distance fighter. When he was with his ANBU Black Ops Squad, his duty was to keep the whole squad in camouflage and silent at all times, through the use of his Genjutsu. As such, his training is very focused on stealth and quick killing, reducing any flashy attacks, abilities, and powers in favor of quiet ones. Should anyone in his sqaud go charging in with reckless abandon, he is liable to kill them himself if they live through.

His motto when it comes to fighting: "Be quick, be silent, be efficient. Go home quicker, cleaner, and in one piece."

More about the village would be nice, such as traditions, region, and culture.

Report | 01/26/2010 2:56 pm

Dantes_Sin_of_Greed

Ok, thank you. And yes...I'll take whatever you can give me. The more info I can play with, the better my results will be.

Report | 01/26/2010 11:52 am

Dantes_Sin_of_Greed

Helps me a lot, and gives me plenty of fuel for Cross! Yeah!

On number 1: Sure, why not? I'll need to know more about the brother, first.

On Number 2: Let's worry about it when it comes time, ok?

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