Gaia :: Profile Comments

Report | 10/08/2014 5:53 pm

you know james, for someone who thinks he's dumb, you're actually really smart
and i hate people who throw around a sexuality as something you should be ashamed of, as if it's bad - like so what if you're gay or not? so ******** what. it's just a sexual orientation and it doesnt make you a bad person and it definitely shouldnt be used as if it were a terrible word.
and honestly, it's not the idea of feeling worthless, it's more the fact that i'm not getting any better. i want to have fun, you know? like actual fun. find people who can really get to know me and feel alive when im with them. i want to be happy, really. i want to feel like i'm not completely lonely. thing is, as selfish as it seems, i am a completely selfish person with needs for herself, and i want someone who can make me feel okay, just for one second at least.
maybe that's the problem. i depend too much on others for my happiness so i don't feel that sad, but once they leave, or make me feel bad, i go back to my original state, just getting worser and worser until i can't handle it.
all i do is drown in self pity and self hate that it's becoming a horrible habit.
but i'm trying to get better, i really am, but everything is just a cycle. i smile. someone hurts me. i cry. I starve. and then i act like i'm okay, and that's the way it feels like it's always going to be.
but see, the thing is, perception is blind to some people. one day we're going to crack until we think we're completely broke, but i think someday that someone will look in to our cracks, for who we are, and i know people don't last long, but people can also make you feel like you are worth something, and make you feel like you are going to get better. maybe that's also why people break in the first place; we like to play each other, really.
and james? you deserve to love someone who realizes who you are is ******** beautiful and that you are an amazing being unable to be fathomed into words. all of us are. and she doesnt deserve you if she cant see that. and i know how hard it is watching someone you love go on with their lives when you're so upset and they can't see (coming from harsh experience here), but you're going to meet someone better. i don't know where, i don't when, and i don't know who, but i can't promise now, because that's what forevers are compromised on. sure, they wont make you better, but maybe they'll give you the courage to pick up the pieces and try your best to put it together, because broken pieces are better than fake well rounded paper pieces. don't forget that.

Report | 10/08/2014 1:02 pm

-TheRadiantLight-

i understand
not because i'm smart, because i feel like that
it's just - i try so hard, just to go to school, to wake up, eat, everything
but there's only so much i can do before i stop being myself. i can become skinnier, prettier, just better, but i dont want to do that just because you don't approve of me.
and it ******** kills me because everyday i am around a roomful of people, thousands of them, at school, at the mall, anywhere, and i am so lonely that it hurts me so much
and no matter how hard i try, i'm not happy.
i just feel like if i disappeared it wouldn't matter at all. my existence feels just as worthless as i really am
i smile, yes, and i laugh, yes. but i'm not genuinely happy because inside i feel like every person is judging me and all of it just piles up until i just want to hurt myself so much and just leave this place
i go through so much s**t, and nobody seems to care or notice
it's just - there's only so much you can go through until you feel like breaking down, and you just can't wait until someone just notices and tells you that it's okay
and it ******** me up to so many extents because i know so many people being cared about, and i see people being cared about, but i am here, lonely as ever, just watching, and i know that if i get hurt, no one will ask me if i'm okay, and i know that if i cry, no one will ask me if i'm okay either, and if i sneeze, nobody will say bless you - basically, i'm just never cared about. nobody gives a s**t about me.
nobody knows how it feels to be me - like, people think that they understand me, that just because i talk to them sometimes or tell them about what i like, that they know me
they don't know what kind of music i listen to, what i do in my room, what i watch, and it hurts
because there is nobody out there who would understand me, who would sit down in my room and look up at the ceiling and listen to the kind of music i like and cry and not eat - because that is what i do, and nobody would understand that all this time all i am and all i feel is empty.
i have a friend, see, and i care so much about her and i love her so much as a friend because i tell her everything and i make myself so sad because i know she doesn't even like me probably, that she hates me, and people always leave me
i'm just a choice, see, i'm annoying, like many people have told me, and one day everyone is going to leave me, but that's okay
i'm so ******** up james. i'm so broke. i barely eat anymore, and sometimes i just feel like making myself puke after eating, and i look at myself and i don't like anything about what i see, i hang alone and talk to myself because i'm the only one that wants to be around me, and there's only so much times you can be alone until you just become lonely, and that's all i am. people tell me i'm useless, that i'm worthless, that nobody likes me, and i guess it's all true, because that's all i feel.

Report | 10/06/2014 7:24 pm

-TheRadiantLight-

ok ok
i know how you feel
last year i started talking about killing myself and how i wanted it all to end and i just wanted to give everything i owned away
and then i looked it up on the internet and took quizzes
and i got all the symptoms for depression, suicidal, anxiety, and bipolarity
but this is self diagnoisis, but im too scared for a therapist or counselling, because i dont think thats going to fix me
i dont like eating at all - i just dont wanna eat at all because i feel too fat and i just feel like if im not thin and pretty i wont be loved
i got over my crush and we kinda talk in a daily basis at lunch and it feels okay but it just doesnt feel the same because he's not really everything to me
im trying hard in school and i still feel like a failure
and its worse than before i dont know
when i played club penguin it was because i hated school and i just wanted to play something that reminded me of my childhood
and then i met you guys and i guess i was happy
that was the only time i was happy, now i dont remember the last time i really smiled, or laughed
my parents care but just not enough
they try but they dont see when i lock myself in my room to cry or self harm or to just stop eating but i still love them and i think its my fault for not telling them that i need help but i dont think theyd believe me because i act happy
but im not
my friends remind me of everything im not, pretty, funny, likable, smart, confident, beautiful, happy, etc.
and it sucks because im trying hard to be a good friend but im just so shitty at everything and i try so hard but i just dont deserve them
i know ill always be a second choice and a rebound and a loser to them, but i still try anyway
my grades are okay, just not good enough
everybody else will always be better; im just mediocre
and im just really unhappy and depressed and everybody around me is having an awesome and great time but i am so lonely and empty that it hurts
there is something in me missing, and i am so broken and hurt to ever fix that hole in my life, and im not sure if i can just wake up and stop thinking this way
there are lots of things that make me happy, but now everything feels so empty, like me.

Report | 10/06/2014 6:28 pm

Fryday3

Wow..

Report | 10/06/2014 6:04 pm

Fryday3

I wouldn't forget.

Report | 10/06/2014 5:33 pm

-TheRadiantLight-

i just - i dont live for anyone
and everything and s**t, and i just feel like s**t because everyone moves on and changes with their lives, and they have friends and they're always going to be somebody's something, and im just ******** there
im not anything im ******** lonely and sad and empty and i just dont know if i can continue being like this
you guys were the reason i didnt want to leave, and now it's like you're all moving on, and growing up, and i dont want that to happen because im going to break down any second when no body is there for me
i dont amount to s**t and i just feel like it wouldnt make a difference if i left or not
and it hurts a lot because i don't have a therapist and irl nobody seems to care
i don't know i started cutting and im still depressed and s**t and i just don't know if i can keep acting like its okay when all i do is cry once i get home
its getting really bad for me and im so scared
everyone moves on and changes, but not me, i am sad, and itll never change

Report | 10/06/2014 5:11 pm

Fryday3

Hey James! Happy birthday!!!!!!!! I wish I could fly to Canada right now and give you a bunch of like, rock balloons or something but I can't. ^_^ Wow you're so old now, soon you'll probably be using a WALKER TO WALK XD
But seriously, happy birthday smile

Report | 10/06/2014 2:02 pm

-TheRadiantLight-

i have s**t days too lately it's been everyday and i know how it feels not being cared about but s**t is that i just don't even wanna exist anymore

Report | 10/05/2014 4:52 pm

XxJasminelovespuppiesxX

no problemo turtle buddy

Report | 10/05/2014 12:14 pm

-TheRadiantLight-

i know it's early and s**t, but tomorrow's school and it's monday and i feel lazy as s**t then so i'm doing this now
happy birthday james.
you're like, 14 now? oh who keeps track xD
i think you're an amazing person, and i'm really lucky that i got to know you
you're everything a person should be, but that's not my judgement
i mean, i could hate you for liking bugs way too much and being weird and s**t, but that's you.
and i can't expect you not to be yourself.
i'm a bit insane and i'm really quirky and i think that people like me when no one does, but that's okay. that's me.
and you're you, and i like you man. i like you for who you are, not what i want you to be. (btw this is not a love confession xD)
anyway, i've known you for like 3 years and you and all the others have given me a great 3 years, and although right now i feel really empty and shitty, you guys really make it worth it, you know, living.
but anyway (i say anyway too much) i care about you a lot.
like, this is just a day where you celebrate the fact that you're alive, and it might not be important to you, but i don't know, i just appreciate the fact that you exist because this group would be different without you, or without anyone really.
and i think that although you are just a person, i believe you can be more.
i hope you have a great birthday; you deserve it.

Report | 10/03/2014 2:22 pm

XxJasminelovespuppiesxX

HAPPY EARLY BDAY

Report | 09/18/2014 6:19 pm

Fryday3

promise me you will never watch the Anaconda music video. *shakes head*

Report | 09/18/2014 3:58 pm

-TheRadiantLight-

PEOPLE THESE DAYS

Report | 09/16/2014 6:07 pm

-TheRadiantLight-

same james same
like nobody appreciates my gifted taste in books or music
and its so hard to make friends who are like me
all they do is sing anaconda and talk to people who look pretty and sound fake my school is pretty sad

Report | 09/16/2014 3:47 pm

-TheRadiantLight-

well you've gotten smarter then xD

Report | 09/16/2014 2:18 pm

-TheRadiantLight-

"i guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. and maybe we'll never know most of them. but even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there."

Report | 09/15/2014 7:27 pm

-TheRadiantLight-

jAMES HOLY s**t YOU GAVE ME PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER FEELS-
xD

Report | 09/15/2014 5:50 pm

-TheRadiantLight-

iTS A GIRL
im pretty sure because it was stolen in the locker room

Report | 09/15/2014 4:30 pm

-TheRadiantLight-

tOO FAR
also some a*****e mcgee stole my five dollars wtf

Report | 09/15/2014 3:42 pm

-TheRadiantLight-

WHAT.
NO.
I'M FORGETTING EVERYBODY'S SIBLINGS OMG