Oh, I know, it's not the same as you went through. But I think I know enough to see what you went through, and I know it sucks. It's absolute hell, and the worse thing imaginable for anyone to ever have to go through.
There are some things I remember, though, about the relationship between you and him that me and Sion also went through. Some things less, some things more. It's a different relationship completely, but I think I've tasted enough of what you've been through, and are still going through, and you're going to go through for the rest of your life.
I only had to deal with it for a couple of months, but it was still absolutely ridiculous. And then, I had the burden of me feeling like it was all my fault.
It was like this:
There was some s**t I told him that made us NOT end up being able to be together, and I was also with someone else. I wanted Sion more, though, but the stuff I told him made Sion not let me leave the guy I was with. He felt he had to choose between me and someone else, but he couldn't have me, so he couldn't make the decision and just throw me away. He had some major problems on top of that, so he just got tired of it. Then I told him that I understood what he was saying. He never said "I'm killing myself." We were on the phone, and he told me he loved me THREE times, and he told me to keep myself happy. And he absolutely never tells me he loves me on the phone. So, I thought about it, and I was like "You want to kill yourself, I know, and I understand why. I'm not saying I want it for you, but I would understand you if you did." And I told him some more s**t, and then we talked one more time and he made me some promises, he left, and that was it for two months. And now we're here. I know he's alive, I THINK he wants me back, and that's it.
The things I told him, he still believes, and after I tell him about them, and how they were false, it will straighten things out. He'll be a little upset, but in the end he'll be happy, because it will open up the option of us sanely being together.
And we'll have to take it from there.
Because I expect him to tell me some things that will hurt me, too.
I can't make ANY decision until I talk to him.
So, until I talk to him about everything, ever, I'm essentially dead inside and I'm not in love with anyone, or trust, or want anyone at all.
That's the way it has to be.
I mean, there's other people, too, but no one like him. I have people I've talked about s**t with, and if I felt I needed to move on from Sion, I could move on, and have them there for me.
Not that I mean I'm going to date someone immediately if things don't work out with Sion, but I have people that are going to be there for me.
God, I sound like a slutty a** skank, but it's not what I mean.
At least I'm not letting myself fall all over him, for me to be completely crushed and him not want to be with me.
I don't know how, but I completely forgot everything that happened with you.
If I didn't tell you, I thought Sion was dead for about three months
He told me he was going to kill himself and we talked about it.
So.. I understand exactly how you feel. It's the worst feeling ever. And I know that if he had died, I could have done everything to stop it. He told me that it was my decision, and I understood how he was feeling. I didn't say "okay, kill yourself." I just said that I understood, and he took that as me telling him that if he did, I would be fine.
I was fine.
But I'm not anymore.
I hate saying this, but I was actually happy when he was dead.
He promised me that we would be together after I died, and that he would wait for me. He said we could be together in my dreams, and we were.
It was perfect, for once.
The problem about the whole label thing is.. I don't know. That's just not us. We need a label for security, or at least I do. I'm sure he does, too.
I think that's the bullshit with what he's doing now, he's ******** playing me, and someone else, I'm sure of it.
And I can't ******** take it.
I need him to be mine, and only mine.
I don't know at all what's going on, and it's driving me crazy.
I just don't see how I'm supposed to have fun, and have this feeling of being completely worthless and empty without him. No matter what I do, that feeling won't go away. Trust me, I've tried to get rid of it, but nothing besides being with him can fill my void. I don't know why it is the way that it is. Even if I don't think about him, unless I have him, I don't really feel alive. And I don't know why. I can't know why. I don't want to know why. That's just the way it is, and there's nothing I can do about it. Because if I could, I would definitely move on. Trust me, with all the s**t that he's put me through, and all the stress of being with him.. it's not fun. It's not very happy, to be so dead all of the time.
Comments
View All Comments
If it doesn't let you message back,
let me know so I can go beat the balls off some Gaia admins.
I can't take people telling me I'm amazing, either.
:/
No matter what anyone says, it's not going to change what you feel about yourself.
Unless it's the right person? Idk. It's weird how that s**t works out.
Buttt
I respect that you feel that way about yourself, and though I don't agree, I'm not going to rape you with compliments.
WELL
maybe you aren't my friend.
It may be saying that because I'm your friend, but you aren't mine.
I'll check.
Right now.
Yeah.
That was it.
It says you're automatically on mine since I'm already on yours.
So.
I'll message you now.
And tell you everything that's going on.
Just because really, nothing is, but anything is better than the slightly empty direction that our conversation is going.
:]]]]]]]]
<3
I think that's stupid, though, I really swear I thought I never deleted you. :/
I had no reason to.
Because I completely understand that you want your privacy.
Especially when the ONLY people that would read them are him, and my cousin Ariel who really probably doesn't give a ********.
But I believe youuu. :]
You're so amazing, and perfect, and sweet, and I can't believe how much I missed you. :[
There are some things I remember, though, about the relationship between you and him that me and Sion also went through. Some things less, some things more. It's a different relationship completely, but I think I've tasted enough of what you've been through, and are still going through, and you're going to go through for the rest of your life.
I only had to deal with it for a couple of months, but it was still absolutely ridiculous. And then, I had the burden of me feeling like it was all my fault.
It was like this:
There was some s**t I told him that made us NOT end up being able to be together, and I was also with someone else. I wanted Sion more, though, but the stuff I told him made Sion not let me leave the guy I was with. He felt he had to choose between me and someone else, but he couldn't have me, so he couldn't make the decision and just throw me away. He had some major problems on top of that, so he just got tired of it. Then I told him that I understood what he was saying. He never said "I'm killing myself." We were on the phone, and he told me he loved me THREE times, and he told me to keep myself happy. And he absolutely never tells me he loves me on the phone. So, I thought about it, and I was like "You want to kill yourself, I know, and I understand why. I'm not saying I want it for you, but I would understand you if you did." And I told him some more s**t, and then we talked one more time and he made me some promises, he left, and that was it for two months. And now we're here. I know he's alive, I THINK he wants me back, and that's it.
The things I told him, he still believes, and after I tell him about them, and how they were false, it will straighten things out. He'll be a little upset, but in the end he'll be happy, because it will open up the option of us sanely being together.
And we'll have to take it from there.
Because I expect him to tell me some things that will hurt me, too.
I can't make ANY decision until I talk to him.
So, until I talk to him about everything, ever, I'm essentially dead inside and I'm not in love with anyone, or trust, or want anyone at all.
That's the way it has to be.
I mean, there's other people, too, but no one like him. I have people I've talked about s**t with, and if I felt I needed to move on from Sion, I could move on, and have them there for me.
Not that I mean I'm going to date someone immediately if things don't work out with Sion, but I have people that are going to be there for me.
God, I sound like a slutty a** skank, but it's not what I mean.
At least I'm not letting myself fall all over him, for me to be completely crushed and him not want to be with me.
That's what I expect.
And I'm prepared for it.
I love you, too, though.
I don't know how, but I completely forgot everything that happened with you.
If I didn't tell you, I thought Sion was dead for about three months
He told me he was going to kill himself and we talked about it.
So.. I understand exactly how you feel. It's the worst feeling ever. And I know that if he had died, I could have done everything to stop it. He told me that it was my decision, and I understood how he was feeling. I didn't say "okay, kill yourself." I just said that I understood, and he took that as me telling him that if he did, I would be fine.
I was fine.
But I'm not anymore.
I hate saying this, but I was actually happy when he was dead.
He promised me that we would be together after I died, and that he would wait for me. He said we could be together in my dreams, and we were.
It was perfect, for once.
The problem about the whole label thing is.. I don't know. That's just not us. We need a label for security, or at least I do. I'm sure he does, too.
I think that's the bullshit with what he's doing now, he's ******** playing me, and someone else, I'm sure of it.
And I can't ******** take it.
I need him to be mine, and only mine.
I don't know at all what's going on, and it's driving me crazy.
I trust him, though. I trust him 100%.
I can't ******** take any of this anymore.
I'm about to just give the ******** up.
I just can't be happy without him, though.
I can't do it.
I'm just so drawn to him.