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To the man and wonman who chose to conceive a child, the result of which was me, when it fit their five year plan;To the teachers who never really cared, not matter what they say;
To my fellow geeks, dweebs, etc. al. who will no doubt receive more abuse apon my passing, as my tormentors will no longer have to kick me around;
To my fellow students who made my life a living nightmare when they should have been focused on their education;
To those who never, spoke, or even knew my name;
To the one true friend whose caring pevented this from even happening soon;
To god, if he even exists, who chose to play a cruel, cruel joke on me when he placed me where he did and surrounded me with so many uncaring faces;
To tell you all goodbye.
I am leaving a world where I never truly belonged or fit in. Do not weep for me or mourn my passing. I say this not because I expect to be miss, but to allow those of you who never truly care to go on with their lives with a clean concience and dry eyes. I know you dont want to weep for me. So dont. But I do ask you to listen to the final word of a young man who took charge of his own destiny.
Perhaps my parents might be feeling something inside which is causing them to shed tears. They may pretend its for their "loss", but I hope its for something else. Perhaps for bringing a child into this world with out the time or desire to raise him. I wasnt a product of love, born of a desire to prepare another human being to grow and lead the human race. I was merely the next aquisition, the next task, the next project on their list of things to bring significance.
No child shoud be brought into this world for the mere purpose of being another possission. I am not asset to be listed on your tax forms besides your house and car, or fought over during your divorce proceedings. I am a human being. I am sorry that it took yo uthis long for you to realize that. If you dont get it then I'm even sorrier.
What about my teachers? Will they be sorry to see another student become statistic? Certainly the administration and the Principle Chowning will mourn, as my death will not relfect them well as an institution. I apologize for making the statistics for your administration worse. But I dont expect apologies from the falso sympothies of people like Mrs. Dunfee, and the broken promises of people like Mr. Richman.
As for my fellow students who made an more significnt impact on my life, I know better to expect my tormentors to mourn.
But if Im going to address those who delittled me, Id be remiss if I failed to include the ladies in my life. I guess thats not entirely accurate, as the one who a refer to fall in two basic categories: those who are not included in my life, and the ones who I rather have excluded fom my life. In the former category, Melinda Tunner, Jessica Silves, and dear Kimmy Vanover, whose laughed in my face when I asked her to the homecoming dance, humiliating me in I dont know how many other classmates. In the latter category are too many to mention, though I must single out Rebecca Cull and Vanessa Deity for their tremendous dedictation to the cause of destroying any shed of self-esteem I might dare to foster. Why cant you accept the things that make other people different rather then insisting everyone conforms your will?
Sure, some did offer friendly gestures, Nicole Edwards often greeting me and asking about my life. Not that I ever felt comforable enough to tell her anything; I never trusted her enough to give her a chance. What ws the purpose? Did you really give a flip about the shy, quite kid who sat behind you in 8th grade history? Or was it about creating an illusion that you care, just to garentee my vote for you as a class officer.
I can only conceive of one person in this world who will truly be sad my parting. Marty, you talked me out of this decision 3 times before and called 911 after I swallowed a bottle of pills. That is why I didnt tell you anything this time, and why I do this in secret, alone. I wish you were coming with me on this great adventure, into the final frontier. Where ever I go, yours will be the only face I carry with me. The one soul I will miss. Yours is also the only forgivness I ask as I depart from this life. I love you, and always will.
There is another group that I have not yet addressed: those who not like me left me alone. Or I should say ignored me. I appreciate your sparing me any further harassment, but your inaction, your withheld hellos and how yours did more to hurt than any name calling. Your inaction effectively excluded me from student life, from the human race. You left me isolated and alone, and no words I could say convey to you the suffering you caused. I could name names, but in doing so, I would do more for you than you did for me in life. I dont know what awaits me at the other end of this gun. Will ther be void? Will I come face to face with God? I dont care any more. If you're anything like your people I wouldnt want to know you. You preached to love one another, yet I felt everything, but love from Christians.
Even if I could know you were different, well, I still reject you. You have left your "followers" to treat people like me poorly. You have allowed so many people you "love", including me, to suffer, So you want me to trust you with my life? I dont want to spen an eternity with a careless deity like you, or with the company you keep.
As my final moments tick away, I wonder what impacts these words will create. It depends first on the web site being found, as I doubt whether the school administration will want suck venom spoken publicly about theiir lack of caring. Still, the internet is a remarkable place where even the least significant individual can be heard. Will anyone listen? Will anyone take action? Will students pause and pay attention to all the hurting hearts around them? And even if they do, will it be a temparary salve for their egos, to convince theselves that they're really not bad people...or will real change happen?
My heart certainly goes out to me fellow outsiders. With me gone, some of you will feel more pain then I did. No one understands you. No one cares how your day is going. No one bothers to get to know you as anything more then a nerd, a geek, a loser. You can do nothing for their social status, save the occasional boost to the ego they get from putting you in your place. Some, of you ,like Andy Rikers, will find outlets in writing. Some of you, like James Moon, will have an escape in art. Some of you, like Sean Gilbert, will live your lives pursueing unicorns that you will never ever catch. I never had the talent to lose myself in, a dream or unicorns to chase, and so I have taken the path most dreaded. Some of you may join me, I look forward to welcoming a brother or sister to the land where you will never suffer the loneliness and rejection you face now.
Farewell forever. I am going to another place. Where, I do not know. But logic dictates that it can only an improvement. Perhaps my death will prove a footnote in the school yearbook. Then agin, perhaps the sacrifice of one might bring hope to others. If my death makes life for one person a little more bearable, or a little more enlightening, do I really die in vain?
"The needs of th many outweigh the need of the few, or the one."
~~~Adam Krieger
There are an estimate of 8 to 25 attempted suicides for every teen suicide death.
Four out of five tenns who attempt suicide give clear warnings.
Help to stop it.
The christians that Adam Krieger knew excluded and ignored him.
So for those of us who are christians, accept EVERYONE.
In Love Memory of All Has Lost or Has Suffered Loss to Suicide.
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