About

1. After a long day of walking through some freaky-a** woods, you come to a strange door. It appears to be made out of some kind of super durable cheese, with a knocker shaped like Bob Dylan's head.
If you wish to knock on the door, go to 3.
If you wish to run back home and hide under your bed with a packet of skittles,
go to 6.

2. You walk a little way, then bump into a big cheese door. That was the way you came, you moron.
If you wish to head toward the singing, go to 8.
If you wish to scream loudly, go to 10.

3. The knocker hammers against the cheese with sound that echoes 'In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you...', before the door swings squishishly open, and the faint smell of mold mixed with drying paint wafts out.
If you wish to go through the door, go to 5
If you wish to try and eat the door, go to 7
If you wish you hadn't started playing this stupid game to begin with, press the back button.

4. You struggle toward the singing, stumbling in pain. Eventually it gets so loud it must be right in front of you. You reach out your hands and they close upon a iPod speaker system.
If you wish to smash the iPod, go to 11.
If you really Russian Death music, and would like to keep listening, go to 18

5. You step inside, and the cheese door slams shut behind you. In the pitch black the floor feels damp, and you can hear someone softly singing in Russian ahead of you.
If you wish to head toward the singing, go to 8
If you wish to scream loudly, go to 10
If you wish to head in the opposite to the singing, go to 2.

6. You back through the woods, to the little cottage where you live with your mother. After sprinting inside and up the stairs, you dash under your bed and begin to fondle a bag of skittles, amongst other things. Suddenly your mother yells out 'Dear, come and take out the trash!'
If you wish to run back to the cheese door, go to 1.
If you wish to listen to your mother, go to 9.

7. You open your mouth wide and bite down on the door on the super durable cheese. You feel all your teeth break.
If you wish to go through the door, go to 5
If you wish to continue to eat the door, go to 12

8. You stumble along the cold, wet floor. As the singing gets louder, you feel and strange sensation coursing through your body. Blood begins to run from your body's orifices (Yes, all of them). Your brain starts to drip from your ears.
If you wish to continue toward the singing, go to 4
If you wish to go in a different direction, go to 15

9. You stop fondling, and go down and take out the trash. Thirty years later, you're still living with your mother, and taking out the trash when she asks.
Even if it interrupts your playing of World of Warcraft.
You fail. Go back to 1 to begin again.

10. You scream as loudly as you can, and suddenly the lights flash on. You stare at the soggy grey carpet, the damaged plaster walls and the dangerous-looking staircase ahead of you, when a voice says.
'Welcome to The Screamer 2000 security and appliance system. If you would like a coffee, please scream again. If you would like to view our instruction manual, please cry out in pain.'
If you would like a coffee, go to 13
If you wish to read the instruction manual, go to 16
If you wish to try the stairs, go to 14

11. You throw the iPod to the ground and jump on it. The music ceases, making you sigh in relief and wipe melted brain off your neck.
If you wish to scream, go to 10
If you wish to continue in the dark, go to 15

12. You keep trying to eat, even though it hurts like s**t. Eventually, your jaw shatters and the splinters dig into your brain. You fail. Go to 7 or 15 to begin again.

13. You scream loudly again, and a steaming hot latte appears in your hand. You take a swig, and feel your lungs begin to collapse. As you die, you hear The Screamer 2000 say, 'Intruder eliminated...'
You fail. Go to 10 to begin again.

14. You start to climb the stairs, which groan under your weight. Before you get even halfway you crash through the rotting wood and fall a metre and a half into what seems to be dark pit. Luckily you land on something squishy.
If you wish to scream, go to 17
If you wish to see what the hell you landed on, go to 19

15. You wander around aimlessly in the dark until you crash into a door. This one doesn't appear to be made of cheese.
If you wish to try and eat it anyway, go to 12
If you wish to knock on the door, go to 22
If you wish to enter without knocking, go to 20

16. You cry out in non-existent pain and a thick book lands on your head, knocking you over. You get up, slightly concussed, and open the book. The technical lingo kills you instantly. You fail. Go to 10 to begin again.

17. You scream and a cup of coffee appears in your hand.
If you wish to drink the coffee, go to 21
If you wish to see what the hell you landed on, go to 19

18. You keep listening and eventually explode. You fail. Go to 4 to begin again.

19. You poke the squishy thing that you're sitting on, and it gruffly says, 'Getoff me.'
If you wish to get off the squishy, go to 24
If you happen to have a cup of coffee, go to 25 to tip it on the squishy

20. You open the door, and a death ray shoots out and vaporises you. You fail. Go to 15 to begin again.

21. You drink the coffee. It's poisoned. You die. Go to 17 to begin again.

22. You rap on the door, and someone calls out from inside 'Sir, or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore, but the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping, and so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door, that I scare was sure I heard you.'
The door opens to reveal a short, tired looking man holding a candle. He glares at you, and then tells you go knock on the window instead.
If you wish to kill him with your Ninja Death Kick of Doom, go to 27
If you wish to wander around in the dark some more, go to 23

23. He shuts the door and you continue to wander around. You slip on a puddle, crack your head and die. You fail. Go to 22 to try again.

24. You step off the squishy and he stands up. The light coming down from above glints off his glasses.
'Hello,' he says 'my name is Harry Potter. Would you like to help me defeat the Dark Lord?'
If you wish to help him defeat the Dark Lord, go to 29
If you wish to punch his lights out, go to 28

25. You tip your coffee on the squishy and he cries out in pain and jumps up. Unfortunately for him, when he cries out an instruction manual falls on his head and kills him. When he look closely, you realise it's Harry Potter. Well done, you just helped killed an annoying literary character. You win. Go to 31 to get bloody drunk in celebration.

26. As you walk inside, you bang into the doorway and the bust of Pallas falls on your head. You die. Go to 27 to try again.

27. You kick him and he explodes, sending fragments of literary prowess all over your face.
If you wish to pick up his candle and continue inside, you to 30
If you wish to go inside without picking up the candle, go to 26

28. Your fist connects with his face and his head explodes. Oops. Used the Ninja Punch of Doom by mistake.
You just killed an annoying literary character. You win. Go to 31 to get drunk in celebration.

29. You put in lots of hard work and help Harry defeat the Dark Lord. Unfortunately, he comes back next book, and you have to do it all over again.
If you wish to get drunk, go to 31
If you wish to punch his lights out now, go to 28

30. You walk inside and the light from the candle shows you the room is full of Awesome. Well done. You win, and may now feast on Awesome.

31. You get drunk. It's fun. YAY.