02/18/2025

I needed to say this, even though it's completely selfish of me to do so.

I don't understand what happened the last time we spoke. You said you didn't want to talk that much and you couldn't handle being friends or something. I can't remember exactly because I deleted the messages (and I had to block you because J). But then like 2 days after you said you couldn't handle being friends or being close, you sent me a picture with your ferrets and stuff. And after all, YOU were the one that messaged ME...talking about having dreams and stuff.

I called you out on it and I said I wasn't mad, but honestly I was really frustrated by the mixed messages. And then you started talking about how you were just a kid and how you "still are". Well if you were still a kid then....so was I. I was 19, and 20, and so-on...I was still a kid too. I don't really understand why you said that.

I know that I'm the true villain of your life. I wronged you time and time again. But I also wronged people because of you. Not Tim because he was a piece of s**t. But Trevor didn't deserve it. And neither did or does J. I've emotionally cheated on people with you time and time again. In my heart I always will.

I'm married and we have a 6-month old son now.

And I still think about you multiple times a day. Every night when I'm going to sleep. I still have dreams about you at least once a month.

What am I supposed to do with that??

We could never have worked. The age difference was just too much. Being at completely different points in life, always. It's unfair and it always will be.

I have to live like this the rest of my life. It's really, truly, awful.

I just don't think I'll ever get over you.

https://open.spotify.com/track/2IR01O6kw4IB68hcV9FWYN?si=sVJ5LP4JRHu5QBL5mmUNkg

I will never have closure. It's impossible to get closure with this situation. My heart will always be a little...damaged isn't the word. Cracked, I guess. In a non-negative, non-positive, non-neutral way.....even though that makes absolutely no sense.

Do you feel closure..?


This was posted for entirely selfish reasons. I was going to literally implode if I didn't get this off my chest. And I have literally no one I can talk to about it because the history is so extensive to explain. So I'm putting it on you.

I won't be posting anything else. I just needed to relieve some of this built up energy. It's done now.

And I've been listening to "Lofi Girl - Beats to relax/study to" on Spotify for weeks. Every song sounds like you. I don't know how to explain it. I hate listening to it...and I love listening to it. And I probably need to stop because it just makes all the feelings more prominent.

The music feels like the ride back from Epcot. Probably one of my fondest memories....I can still feel it.

I hate this.

https://open.spotify.com/track/6lj86IFzA3HYNsEYT8UKGR?si=M_WMF8R7S7qd2ym1YalctA

https://open.spotify.com/track/5Py0Esfix2HSh3G6Cv6dfi?si=tFEEU6TYRkiEIQzICdkuUw