Well lets see. What should I write this time? Well i suppose that i'd start off with the good news: I got into fashion institute of technology in one of my favorite cities in all the americas, New York City (Manhatten). I decided that i'm going to travel the world seeing all the places i've ever read about. New Orleans, Paris, the french country side, london, germany, russia, but mainly france. I want to live off of fine wines and ciggarettes for a few years. Then maybe return to the united states and live in the french quarter of new orleans along with san francisco and a very few other places before i make my valient return the New York. I really can't wait for that.
Right now I'm in florida. I'm visiting my family down here and it is quite nice i must say. Even the rain is wonderful. Actually, sofar that has been my favorite part. Because when it rains, it poors and i must say, I do love water. Many of you know that already though
Also, I picked up two of my favorite books while I'm down here. The vampire Lestat and The Queen Of The Damned. Two very very good books. I've already read The Vampire Lestat a few times and I intend on reading it again shortly.
Now for the not so amazing news...
To start off, I am completely and utterly lonely. I can't stand to see people together kissing and hugging. It kills me to the point were I want that so badly, I feel as though my heart would burst right through my chest. I know that sounds really corney and stuff but i'm not to worried about it. Because it is how I feel. I hate it. I have never dispised an emotion so much. I almost wish i was back on my medication just so i didn't have to feel it anymore. I know this is all quite depressing but it gets better. My manic is comming back. I am becoming increasingly careless with my health and well being each and every passing day. It hurts because I can't stop it nor talk to very many people about it. I'm scared to. My biggest fear (besides fish) is people. Most people to me are vial and disgusting creatures that do not deserve to live the life given to them. Sorry for all of you who are not on the best of terms with me. That is just the way it is. Unfortunately because of this fear it leads me back to my lonliness. I'm obviously never going to be happy, living in this cycle at least. Along with cycles, my anger, frustration, and shear agony have been getting worse. Anxiety attacks have been occuring more and more frequently and for some reason no one is able to calm me down. That is the worst part. Only because it starts the cycle all over again.
There is much more that I could be writing about... and I thank those of you who have read the entire thing. I know I probably sound like the perfect emo kid, but I really dont care anymore.
Again thank you to those who sat there and wasted five minutes or more of your life on my pathetic rambling
Wow, i had no idea about any of this. i do like the idea of traveling but the fear of people... thats pretty intense. though i can see where you're coming from. i mean, there are some things the human race can do and have alredy done that make me scared to be part of it but.. its who we are. and im not preaching to the choir or shoving my feelings down your throat but sometimes the only option you have is to open up to someone anyone even if you only have one person sometimes that's all you need.
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BellaElaine · Community Member · Tue Jun 19, 2007 @ 02:09am