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m a p's Journal just stuff in my life.

m a p s
Community Member
welcome to the "self-hate" post...there has to be one...
so...yeah. right now i just want to hit rewind and start life over. i would of gotten it right...probably. well, it's march...and i've been rejected from my school of choice...i can't find a job, and the one that i interviewed for didn't happen...i don't want to go to community college! i want to go to a university and be among the smart people (nothing against community college, just not my style i guess) and be with my Daemon and my other friends. i'm hoping that the university i speak of will reconsider me after i take the ACT's...which i know i should of done a long time ago. i'm use to things being given to me and working for things is...kinda foreign i guess. i wish i had the motivation to work hard in school and get awesome grades. because i know i am that smart and i know i can. i have no motivation though. when i was in band i had...some motivation there because i wanted to win/go to nationals. i think it's that i was involved and i liked what i did. then why am i on the verge of failing my zen class? i love that class! dammit. and drawing...why am i FAILING that? i want to be an artist...but i work at artist pace, meaning very slow. it's just starting to bother me now i guess because Daemon got into the university, and a lot of my other friends got into the same one. it's not that i couldn't of gotten in...hell, if i got in on acedemic probation i'd probably piss myself.
i just want to be with Daemon and get a clean slate. i need a change of enviroment i think. i feel worthless when i'm told i can't do something when i know that, if i had actually tried harder i could of. i don't care half the time. except about Daemon and not having a fetus grow inside of me eek . i know i should care about myself more, i'm very self-sacrificing...if it'll make someone else happy, then i'd be happy. i don't know anymore. i know what i want. i know exactly where i want to be and what i want to do with my life. it's just hard waiting. my day-dreams are so vivid of how the future will be, and i get so caught up in that that i forget about the present. i can't focus on anything in the now. nothing. zip-o. nada. i don't understand the politics of how to get a job...which might be a reason. but then again in my living on your own class, i got an A on the "how to fill out a job application/do a interview" test. well, i guess that kinda helped me. i did get an interview...but i saw her notes and it said "very nervous" and "very shy"...it's an excuse but the place i was applying at had a bunch of little kids crawling everywhere and i get nervous in those kinda situations. i worry their going to fall or something. plus i couldn't concentrate because of the noise...probably something the lady noticed...

in summary: i have no job, no car, no money, no future...and i'm no longer in the band

User Comments: [1]
Community Member
comment Commented on: Sat Mar 19, 2005 @ 07:53am
AW! I'm sorry Min. I don't know what to say but AW. Keep trying! I love you and I know you can do anything you want to as long as you keep trying!

User Comments: [1]
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