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I'm watching American Beauty. |
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I drew some pretty.. um.. Stress relieving pictures last week. They mean alot to me. I might put them on my wall, however I don't want me dad to see them. I've done my homework today. I haven't played cello though. I made my first .gif. I'll probably play guitar tonight if I don't cut or something.
Right now, though. I have to pee.
Whatever happened to Caroline? I'm in that state of mind where nothing's happening so I want to hurt myself. Last time I was like this.. well.. last time I hurt myself.. it was the start of when I fell in love with Max.. and I didn't want to feel it anymore. Then I gave up on that.. And the last time I felt like nowhere... it turned to s**t. I was put in one of the worst places I've ever been. As much as I can think right now, that was the second worst feeling I've ever felt.. I mean, I didn't try killing myself that time, but that was because Alyssa was there. Not that I wouldn't have failed at it that time like I did last time. I think that's the only way I can kill myself. But.. I mean, other than slitting my wrists down the road... it's just so painless to swallow some pills. Or drink medication like last time. I only have extra strength tylenol in here.. like that'd do anything.. Jeff told me once that he took 9 asprins and that he was fine. He said he was little high, but fine. I wish I still had Cristina's pills. Godbless her pointless soul. She's sweet. She's all I have. And I'm all she has. Of course, we're not including Alyssa and DJ. DJ reminds me of max... Alyssa doesn't count, because she's part of me. DJ's not a part of her yet.. so I guess I'm not all she has anymore. That's okay. She said that if I kept hurting becaus eof DJ then she'd leave him. DJ's 19, tall, blond, not skinny, has blue eyes, and a low voice. DJ's got pouty lips. Sometimes he wears these attachable pigtail dreds.. but I guess his real hair is normal length. I don't know. he's nice. He's really lovely to her. I've read their text messages. One time, in the morning, he sent her a "<3" on her cell phone. That's so beautiful. I remember looking at the box for American Beauty alot when I was little and wanting to watch it but knowing my mom wouldn't let me. I don't know what's to happen. Adella and I watched this movie together in our room. I loved that summer camp. We were so nice to eachother just so that we didn't have to sit alone. Then Brian would talk to me and I would listen. it wouldn't matter to him. I expected it would. No one ever listens to me. But I guess he gets that alot. I was kind of paying attention this week at school, about how many times I'd be talking to someone and they'd interupt me, or start talking to someone else, or start doing something else. It happened alot. The only time someone stopped someone else to let me finish talking was when I was with Cristina, sometimes Brynn... and I guess that's it.. I don't talk to that many people.. Dabin's.. Dabin's... I don't know.. she doesn't make much of an imprint.. Maggie doesn't care about me. She even pointed out to me that she doesn't know anything about me and I don't know anythign about her and yet I keep talking. We just keep talking... for four years straight, and it's just talking. She atleas pronounces Alyssa's name right. It's fun for me to think about all the things I can do in life. I can leave LVA.. go to Clarke... Drop out at 16, have a baby, and shoot myself. That's a choice I love to think about. It would be so much more fun that what I'm making myself do. It seems out of my reach to just.. drop out and work at a retail store. I have to go to college, I have to get my scholorships.. I didn't like the interview I went to today for college aid. It didn't feel good. The lady said that I was the first student to say that I wanted to be a Record Label Owner. I was the only one I saw there from LVA. But then I've only been at LVA for two months. What good does that do. There's an LVA guild on gaia.. "LVA Hangout" I recommend anyone to join. If you need majors or people to know or something, let me know. I totally want to crash their party with a load of non LVGays. I hate how boring I am. I'm sitting here.. not doing anything.. I used to make clothes, or draw, or make stuffed animals.. maybe I should work on my halloween costume.. If I had film I'd take pictures.. Maybe I should play guitar. I could quit playing guitar. I didn't get into the talent show. I'm not in a happy place with my guitar right now. I'm glad I have nothing to do tomarrow. No where to go. I can really sleep in. And I can do my french homework and Geometry homework. I think I'm done. I love you Alyssa.
Lyf Ling · Sun Oct 22, 2006 @ 07:14am · 2 Comments |
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