Story by - The crew and members of The Mad Tea Party: A Wonderland Guild (gaiaonline.com)
Typed up and slightly editted by - NaviF00L
Once upon a time there was a deck of cards. It lay upon the table in a neat little stack, minding its own business, until one fine morning when Boris the cat, who was not particularly intelligent, accidentally swallowed them because he thought they were a piece of tuna.
They took some trouble going down, but once they hit his stomach, marvelous things began to happen to Boris. Simply amazing things. For one, Boris found that he could shuffle himself, if just for a moment at a time. It was quite fun to rearrange his body parts, and he realized how ridiculous he looked with a spleen for a face and a face for an arm and the arm somewhere he didn't quite know of. Boris also noticed that he could change suit. But he also realized that some might consider that cheating so he left himself a cat of spades and set out to find some real tuna or perhaps a piece of blueberry pie.
Now normally Boris would have to go and search the neighborhood for a windowsill that had some tuna or blueberry pie waiting to cool. But now, with his newfound abilites, he realized he had other methods of obtaining his happiness.
So he set out to the Spells And Hexes Supermarket down the street and he set up a little booth in front of the store. And he began showing all of the people his wondrous new Cat of Spades abilities, until suddenly the manager began playing the violin! Boris now had wondroud accompaniment to his act, and his profits began to increase.
In a place far away, though, someone was watching Boris, and they felt fear in their heart, since he was a man made entirely out of tuna, or perhaps a tuna somehow shaped like a man. A cat that could change suit, and shuffle, and make money could certainly eat tuna, and perhaps even buy tuna, and there would go the man's girlfriend Harriet. So he vowed to find a way to shuffle himself into blueberry pie, which he reasoned was much less appealing to a cat than tuna fish.
Boris and the violin playing owner of the super market set out.People played poker with Boris while the violin playing owner of the super market, whose name was susan, played a song for the men & women to enjoy.
Suddenly, the Dark Lord Voldemort appeared and began demanding blood for a sacrifice!
The manager bopped Voldemort over the head with his violin.
Voldermort was escorted to the hospital. Everyone cheered.
"And now," said Boris, trying to get the crowd's attention back on himself, "for my next trick, I will turn this ordinary orange... into a German cabaret!"
The crowd held its breath in anticipation as Boris did just that! Boris smiled a catty smile and so did Susan and off they went traveling to far away places when Boris smelt tuna turning into bluberry pie when they saw fireworks!
Boris's reaction to this was to screech and howl and claw Susan's dress. Even in a random improvisational story, animals hate fireworks. Susan giggled. As a cross dressing man he was strange but then a giant yellow tail popped up among the daisies.
"Where'd these daisies come from?" Boris wondered aloud. He sniffed one curiously and was just about to take a bite when the giant yellow tail began beating Boris violently round the head.
"OW!" screamed Boris, and began clawing at the tail, trying to get it to stop.
Robin Hood appeared, assessed the situation, and proceeded to dance. You see, last week Robin Hood was hit over the head with a large rock, by one of the Merry Men who'd had too much rum. He didn't know lately if he was an outlaw, or a ballerina, or a mime (and given the tights, any of the above could have been appropriate.) Although he had moments of lucidity, most of the time he was batshit crazy about warm english tea, with just enough of kick in it to rouse his tongue and start his day in the most delightful way. with only five grams of artifical flavors and colors, he was sure to be drinking enough to finish off a well balanced meal whether it be brunch, dinner or just the occasional light snack. But that's not all, for only $9.99 more he'll be entered in our drawing for a free toaster while supplies last!
Suddenly, on the other end of the universe, a bloodcurdling scream rang out! O.O But who cares? On this side of the universe, the tail stopped beating Boris just long enough to applaud Robin Hood's rendition of The Nutcracker Suite.
"Simply marvelous!" cried Boris, bringing the tail's attention back to him. The giant tail wrapped itself around Boris's throat. Things aren't looking too good for our herione. Luckily, our heroine is on the other side of the universe and not a part of this story at all.
Susan, starting to feel left out, decided to take control of this situation by pressing the God-Mode button!
Suddenly, everyone found themselves in the great wild forests of Canada, drinking water from the streams and listening to the trees and generally communing with nature.
Of course, to commune with nature, you have to be stark-naked. Some people, including Robin Hood, were not too happy about that part.
So Robin Hood went on an eternal quest for a moose, which he believed could be used for tights. Of course, it didn't matter to Boris, who was almost always naked, except when the children decided to dress him up. Susan was still in God Mode, so Robin Hood could have just asked her to get him a moose and then he wouldn't have had to go on quite such an eternal quest. Alas, it was too late.
Boris knew as cats of spades sometimes do that without Robin Hood, the giant tail would need a new distraction. Suddenly, he divised a brilliant plan! He would sing famous overtures from operattas by Offenbach.
"Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi," began Boris as he warmed up his voice.
Suddenly, a large woman in a viking suit fell from the sky.
"Did I miss my cue?" she said.
Then all of a sudden a giant llama attacked the forest with it's heat ray vison. Seeing this, Susan, who was still in God-Mode decided to rescue Boris and Robin Hood from the giant llama. So Susan simply made them disappear.
"Oh no!" wept Boris. "That was possibly the least creative thing I've ever seen..."
"Your creativity is ill!" sang Helga, the viking. "We mut go on a quest to see the creativity wizard and ask for MOAR!"
"For moar?"
"FOR MOAR!"
"For moar!"
And so Helga exploded so everyone had some toast. After the toast, Boris was in a foul mood because his was burnt. He decided to confront Susan about it so he equipped a broadsword and stocked up on potions and set out to level up.
Upon reaching level 22, he turned into Gandalf the Light-Gray.
Everyone got out their Live Action Role-Playing gear and the scene rapidly began to resemble Middle Earth.
Sauron, who was conveniently perched on the nearby water tower, decided to convert to Catholicism. So he asked Boris the Light-Grey to perform a baptism. Boris said he would be delighted to take part. So Sauron gathered some guests through various threats and dirty dealings and once they were all assembled he was mauled by the little brats he promised to babysit that day. They attacked him with their teeth, biting and growling the entire way.
Soon, the grandparents also joined into the fun, and Old Lady Millhouse got so carried away that she began bludgeoning her husband with the walker. Her husband was in an impaired condition, dancing around with a lampshade on his head, and flirting with everything that had legs, which unfortunately included a baked chicken and a wooden chair.
This resulted in Sauron deciding to forget the whole affair and go mow the lawn. It was getting out of control. So he stepped out the door and began hacking his way to the garden shed with a machete.
The lawn-mowing minions weren't doing their job, so he went back inside and decided to fire them out of a cannon aimed toward Östergötland! O.O Boris quickly donned a cape and some tights and flew dramatically out of the window. Susan promptly teleported but missed Sweden entirely and found herself in hell. Just as everything seemed to be falling to pieces, the cops burst in the door, demanding tea, biscuits, and decapitated old ladies.
Sauron obliged by getting out his package of decapitated old ladies, while Boris, fast as a falling bullet, rescued Susan for overheating from Hell by using his amazing mind powers to move her to Purgatory while he was off saving whatever it was he was going to save.
Boris then proceeded to pursue a career in customer service but instead went to go work at starbucks and developed an addiction to caffeine, which will become his Tragic Flaw.
Boris proceeded to cry. Oh, the tragedy!
He wrote several sad poems about his addiction to caffeine and how his life was ruined, and he then sent the poems off to www.poetry.com , which proceeded to put on more lipstick. It had to look good, no matter the cost. Boris was very offended. He sent a letter of offense to poetry.com. They responded by publishing it and sending him the grand prize, which wasa big plastic trophy with a retail value of $2.50!
Boris donated that money to Gaia for a Sealed Letter, which turned out to become a nitemare scythe! ...because Navi wants a pixellated scythe. But Navi's not in this story (as far as she knows) so I need to stop talking about myself.
*commercial interruption*
Boris equipped his new scythe and was just about to lop off a few heads when he realized that none of the other characters had shown up in a while. *GASP* For no reason whatsoever, Boris began juggling vitamin supplements. He had just added the 6th capsule when there was a knock at the door. Who could it be?!
The door swung open, revealing Satan.
"Hey, Boris!" said Satan. "I'm having some car trouble. Can I borrow your Magic Pixie Dust of Doom to help start it back up?"
Boris screamed and ran away, stumbling in the stilettos that he wasn't wearing a moment ago. Suddenly, everything became dark and Satan reappeared in front of him.
"Don't run away from me, fool!" yelled Satan, pulling a rifle out of his ear and aiming it at Boris.
Boris shrieked like a cat and ran for cover. Satan cackled with glee and proceeded to fire off the rifle, BANG BANG BANG. Boris ran from the bullets like a cat being shot by Satan.
Neo appeared and began tossing apples at Satan.
One of the apples struck Satan's off button and he slumped to the floor, ceasing all functions. Neo dramatically flew away before Boris could thank him for setting him free. Boris was wondering what to do about the immobile Satan when the moving company arrived and carted Satan away.
Boris wondered what would happen next to continue the plot, when suddenly, without any warning, and being of total surprise to all involved, Boris's whiskers caught on fire.
Boris's whisker burned a bit as he waited for someone to continue the story.
Soon, the fire spread to his ears, turning his fur red. Suddenly a giant jelly bean came and rolled onto boris. Boris was now stuck to the jelly bean and began rolling down a hill. Boris broke out in a rousing chorus of meow meow meow meow.. until suddenly the jelly bean exploded and Boris went flying into the air and landed in ancient egypt. The egyptians at that time worshiped cats and made Boris their god. They worshipped him and brought him to Bel-air where he met the fresh prince and they played a rousing game of Oregon Trail. Everything was going swimmingly until Howie Meeker died of dysentery. Everyone thought it only proper that they stop playing games and mourn his death. Boris put on a sober black dress and offered Will Smith a black mourning veil, which he refused to wear. Angered by this blatant show of disrespect, Boris raised his Sword of Ha-Ha-Ha, his eyes flashing. The sword glinted in the light, flashing sparkles at the air. With a crash, Boris brought the sword whistling down on a single blade of grass, shimmering with the last of the quiet morning dew. it was soon joined by a shy daisy, peeking its soft head out of the warm earth, it sent off it's sweet smell to awaken a round little bumble bee that was resting on a nearby leaf. The bee shook the sleep from it's wings and lazily buzzed over to the source of the wonderful smell. Alighting on the daisy's thin stem, the bumble bee stooped down and lightly kissed boris's cheek.
Boris started rolling around on the floor and forgot about mourning, he rolled and rolled until a baby came up and ate the bee.
Boris was so astonished at this baby that he took the baby and went to mexico. He named the baby Sally.
Sally grew up. She got a job. She sold seashells by the pizza factory. Sally decided that the time had come to speak of many things. Of cabbages and sealing wax, and purchasing chicken noodle soup at Safeway. Sally liked the word "noodle". So she got in her noodle shaped van, and would often sing to her favorite song while driving. Her favorite song is 'One Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall'.
The car would get so annoyed by this constant singing that it eventually exploded into a plethora of regatoni, which of course, attracted a few hundred birds who proceeded to pull out tiny little mops and buckets and start cleaning up the unsanitary mess. But just as they were finishing up a mafia of lobsters hobbled by. Since the head lobster had be distantly related to one of the noodles, inter-marriage would be inappropriate.
Or would it? A lawyer was hired to research stuff on this, and what he found had a profound effect on the populace; so profound, in fact, that he was able to rewrite all human laws, which, of course, led to a dirty, dirty commuinst revivel that when paired with the godless existance of everyday life, spawned happy meals, with chicken macnuggets and sweet and sour sauce, plus a nifty mini barbie or a hot wheel. This thrilled the Evil Overlords, who got a little punch-drunk and began to do David Bowie impersonations, which led to the peasants deciding that they must fetch the unholy one, know as Mrs. Coulter who, unfortunately, came down with a nasty cough, which spread a large number of gold-rush era diseases to the small, nearby population of the neighbor's kitchen. To divert the nation's attention away from this catastrophe Boris decided to come dashing back into the story wearing a tutu and stuffed swan hat, which would occasionally sing snazzy show tunes and tap-dance.
Boris whipped out his two pistols. "Face death and danger," he sang, "and dance in the moonlight! Fah la la, you never cease to something-or-other with my heart!"
He fired the pistols. However, they did not contain bullets. They contained perfume. So when Boris fired the pistols, instead of shooting harmful lead things, they filled the air with the sweet smell of lilac and lavender. And low, there came apon the scene a great many llamas of whom had smelt the wonderous perfume and desired more. But thankfully for Boris a random drunkard that went by the name Lococo Ramsey Georgette fell out of a tree, distracting the llamas. Seizing the chance to escape, Boris's swan hat spread its wings, and Boris began to fly! He flew and he flew, until he drew too near the unrelenting heat of the sun which melted the wax on his swan-dress in which he plumented towards the earth in speeds that can only be expressed in a calculator. but luckly he landed in a pie.
Four-and-twenty blackbirds
Baked into a pie.
Along came Boris, and he stuck in his thumb, and pulled out a plumb, then he said "Aww, sticky..." and threw the pie a distance of no less than 3.14
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yards, which landed squarely in the face of The Killer Rabbit! (of Monty Python fame.) The Rabbit looked scared for a second, then saw that the pi(e) in fact was not a Holy Hand Grenade, and decided to hop on his invisible horse and, with the assistance of two coconut halves, gallop to Candyland. But on the way there, he met a Chama-chama-chama-chama-chama-chamelion, which danced in a strobe light with Ayn Rand, author of 'Atlas Shrugged' and other fine novels, the most recent having the title of How to Successfully Bake Your Noodle-Shaped Car Without it Exploding. The book was very successful, so successful, that it sold copies by the gallon. And the liter, depending on what part of the world you were in.
This affected the politics of the penguins, who met in the Town Hall and came to a decision about sandwiches. They decided to ban sandwiches. which angered many people including Frosty the Snowman. No one ever did find out why because he promptly melted into a puddle of warm beer, which raised some serious questions of the compostion of the so-called 'snowman'. It was decided to block off the area to avoid contamination from the bells and oranges of St. Maddy Sinclair.
Sold at a booth at the carnival fair!
The grand prize: a wig made of soft, golden hair.
Boris, who decided to rejoin the story, began tossing bells and oranges at the booth owner in hopes that he would win the wig. He aimed his bell-and-orange, leaned back, and got hit by Mr. Roger's trolley!
A swat team swooped down on ropes from nowhere-in-particular and began handing out fliers for the blueberry pie eating contest. Boris decided it would be a very good idea to enter into the contest, and so he did some berry research, and found that Boo berry is the best berry of all, which was shocking because Count Chocula's ratings were easily in the 30% bracket. But because of the new results findings, stock in the company dropped by 3.68%. This eventually lead to a nuclear meltdown at a nearby pizza factory.
The owner of the factory, named Frank, saw that Boris was researching Boo berries, and was outraged that Boris would be too busy to come to her slumber party next weekend. In a fit of rage, Miss Frank hired 12 assassins disguised as shepards to dispose of Boris's pencil collection rendering his data gathering useless.
"MUHAHAHA!!" laughed Miss Frank as she popped boo berries into her mouth, but while not paying attention, she mistakenly swallowed a cocoa puff. Deathy allergic to chocolate, she began to melt away like brown sugar. Terrified, she dipped her slowly liquefying face in blended otter spleen. She was saved, for blended otter spleen is a remedy to all misfortunes. Thus, she grabbed her envelopes and began to wink rapidly, as a bit of otter had lodged itself in her eye. But as she reached for her "Otter Out" spray she was suddenly struck by lightning. Running around in circles as her body parts fell off, she fell into a crypt.
While falling in the darkness, she began to hear something. It sounded like one hand clapping. Falling towards the black hole of darkness that would soon wholely consume her, (get it, hole? yuk yuk yuk) she suddenly was blinded by a large flashbulb that was being wielded by a mad Frenchman.
In French, he began to ask, "Ou est the bathroom?" Boris, who had been perched at the edge of the whole--I mean, hole, watching Miss Frank fall, pointed into the place after her. Boris grinned maliciously, because he had actually pointed the man towards eternal suffering. Amused, Boris decided to buy Evanescence's new cd, which came out today but won't come out to Germany for a while, probably. Anyway, while listening to his new cd, Boris decided to cross a river with a large inflatable box of cereal. Unfortunately, the river happened to be a fan of cereal and mistook him for its favorite cereal.
As the river attempted to devour Boris, he whipped out his emergancy banana. Slicing and dicing, he whipped it up into nice bite sized chunks and tossed it to the river. The water suddenly turned pink, which confused Boris very much. The water, embarassed, admitted that it was allergic to bannanas, and broke out in hives. Boris climbed back aboard his cereal and floated on. And as he floated, he noticed the strangest things, like clocks on fire, sugar mice, and carpets with feathered wings and in his wonder Boris twitched his whiskers and began to sing "Maria" and "I Feel Pretty" from West Side Story. Boris didn't exactly think it matched the mood, but it was one of the only songs he knew. This pleased the cereal very much, as the cereal's mother, named Maria, was from the West Side and used to read it stories about pink water and singing cats. It was so pleased, that it erupted...er..gleefully...as we all do from time to time. ninja
As a result of the eruption, Boris was thrown into the air and landed painfully on a nest of porcupines. After a lot of screaminghe decided to make the best of things, and went as a pin cushin for halloween. Winning $100 in a costume contest, he bought 400 of those $.25 rings so that he could indulge in extreme polygamy. The first person he proposed to was yo mama! Now that he was the father of us all, Boris decided to flex his new fatherly influence and ship us all over the world to foster-families.
After getting rid of us Boris decided to relax and take a quick snooze. But just as he was falling asleep a violent storm blew up. Boris was struck repeatedly with many bolts of lightning and after using his last life with the ninth lightening bolt, found himself on an escalator to heaven. Unfortunately, it was out-of-order, so he was forced to take the stairs. Made by a bad carpenter, he fell straight through them to hell where he met Davey Jones, who was eating crumpets and tea with the Cat in the Hat, who in turn began to discuss liter box strategies with Boris. Boris decided that he had gotten a enough for one day and started looking around for the hidden camera and the over-excited gameshow host that was always lurking around in these situations. Checking behind a velvet curtain, boris found the Wizard of Oz. A floating head down one end of the room said, "Has anyone seen my hat? The furry one? I seem to have misplaced it". He floated along frantically, swiveling in all directions in the hopes of finding his beloved hat. Boris pointed out that the furry hat was resting calmly on the Wizard's head, a wicked smile spread across its furry, hat-like face.
The hat spoke: "I have decided that fur is murder." And so the hat spontaneously combusted in an explosion of light and furry color. Quite allergic to exploding fur dander, Boris fell into a borage of sneezes that soon echoed furiously around the Wizard's hall. The noise awakened Binky, the previously napping chihuahua that resided in the place. Binky leapt up at once and began yapping uncontrollably. In midst his barks, a sneaky yellow slug slowly crept towards the unsuspecting Boris.......very slowly.....
...........yup...........still going....................................
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but just before it rose up towards boris the slug decided to have a salty treat. Unaware of the dangers that salt has to slugs, snails, and witches, the poor yellow slug began to inflate. It grew and grew and grew and grew and grew and grew and grew and grew and grew and grew and grew and grew and grew and grew and yawned loudly, alerting Boris to its presence. Boris unplugged the slug's valve to let the air out. The slug instantly began whizzing erratically around the room only to be sucked up by the large Vac-u-Slug that just happened to turned on. BUT WAIT! who would have done such a thing?!?
Why, who's that in the shadowy corner? It's none other than everybody! Wow. That's a big corner. This reminds me of the time I switched phone services and got THE NETWORK! So I drove to the Grand Canyon and shouted "CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW!" to which I was surprisingly answered by "CAN YOU PASS THE SOUP?". So I drove over to NASA and asked for half a dead cow, some onions and a tube of anti-itch cream for my schizophrenic cat with emphazima who likes to be called the almighty lord of cherries, except for he hates anything cherry-flavoured, including cherries themselves. The only exceptions to this are cherry Pocky, cherry cough-drops, and cherry tea. Why does he like these things? Well, it's really because the aliens told him "Do your best and leave the rest, 'twill all come right, some day or night."
Good thing he didn't listen or he would have payed $500 to learn how to crump. With a pocket full of cash, he decided to pack up his stuff and steal the Goddess of Summer's cornucopia. Snatching it from her hand, he held it over his head and screamed "I AM IRON MAN!" Then, with a loud guitar riff surrounding him, he jumped into the air and did a 370 on his skate board, which was made out of a jello based rubber. which of course is a terrible thing to make a skateboard out of because when one try to ride it it just tends to fly into the air and land on your tongue.
Speaking of which, I enjoy drinking tea with duck sauce, because it appeals not only to the taste buds, but to the underside of the tongue! But you've gotta be careful, because if you get your tongue pierced the ducks shall follow you around everywere and call you master, but you can use them too. although that's only possible if you give them water lilies for shoes. If you don't, they will inplode, which is the opposite of explode, which my hamster likes to do when he's juggling ten plugged in microwaves, though because of his small arms ends up looking more like hes running around them in a giant circle. Though we call it juggling to keep his ego up. Especially after he ate one of his little hamster paws, which he had to replace with an electrical plug. You see, if he got to close to an outlet he'd accidentally plug himself in, and he would feel bad because his tail would become just a little too fluffy for his liking, so he tended to stay away from shampoo because if he got the shampoo too close to his emo friends, they'd start crying. Even though it was "No More Tears" shampoo.
But anyway, his little emo friends like this one kind of Jello that they sell in porcupines. Unfortunately for them, its because the porcupines poop out Jello-pudding, which is a funny word because God said "Let there be a funny word" and someone said "Jello-pudding!" Therefore, because God said it it had to be hairy. And so, my children, that is why some one invented Harry Potter. But little do they know, Harry is actually distantly related to the Half-Blood Prince! But y'know, that guy ain't who you think he is. The Half-Blood Prince is actually Ben Moody, former guitarist and co-founder of the rock band Evanescence. Now, nobody knows this, but Ben's great-grandfather was the brother of Harry's great-grandmother, so don't ask me how exactly they're related.
So anyway, Ben's a wizard, and when he met Amy Lee at summer camp, she revealed to him that she's a vampire, and so she gave him some vampire blood. As a joke, she called him the Half-Blood Prince, and the name stuck. And back in October of 2003, Ben left the band to go back to Hogwarts, finish his magical education, and help Harry to defeat Draco Malfoy in a ping-pong match! Although none of them like ping-pong because of the time when the visited the Smithsonian Institution were they saw a pair of fireflies gettin' it on in the middle of a ping-pong table. Which prompted Draco to tell Harry that he has a huuuuuuge tentacle fetish, but Harry said to keep it down in case of yaoi fangirls and said that they should play ping-pong, and the ball knocked the lens out of Harry's glasses, and Harry accidentally groped Draco, and then The Donald walked in. Yeah, that's right, Donald Trump. And he said "Tell me something, my friend. You ever dance with the devil by the pale moonlight?"
And then he shot Batman's parents. Batman cried and cried, and this experience so affected him he resolved to don an alias and fight crime as Super-Jabberwocky, the terror of criminals everywhere. Soon he was put to the test when this new super-villain appeared, going by the name of Captain Political Talking Head! Captain Political Talking Head went on, and on, and on about the state of the economy until Batman was bored to tears, and would have cried the room full, he was so bored, if he had any tears left from the tragic death of his parents. But he didn't, so it was only about the size of a child-sized swimming pool which was perfect for Batman's assistant, Chibi-Robin. Chibi-Robin hurriedly put on his swim suit and dived in, unaware of the horrible menace that lurked deep in the child-sized swimming pool of tears which was the giant squid. Not the Giant Squid from the Harry Potter books, but the actor that played him in the movies who proceeded to tap Chibi-Robin on the shoulder and then jump to the other side as Chibi-Robin glanced over his shoulder to see who it was.
Chibi-Robin grew quite frightened and did what he always did when he was frightened, which was BITE! He had never made it past kindergarten, since he was only a chibi, so he never learned that there are More Healthy Ways To Express Ourselves. He latched onto the squid actor, and he flailed, and the squid flailed. And what did Batman do? Why, he watched as I hopelessly flailed about on the floor. You see, my IQ was suffering from what you call a "scrambled egg clogger thing," in which something clogs and expands over your entire brain so that you can't think. Well, having "Famous Last Words" stuck in my head was the "scrambled egg clogger thing" because Gerard Way's voice was filling my brain, and although I wanted to kick him in the balls, I couldn't, because omeone had stolen them from the pantry last October. However, I compensated by popping a large bag of powdered sugar in his face. What? I mean, "Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge." Get it? Powdered sugar is sweet, there's a little joke there, don't you see?
Well, anyway, then this little bunny appeared on Gerard's shoulder, and it told me to use the Force! I looked at it incredulously, thinking perhaps it had lost itself in the world of fantasy and science fiction, but was struck speechless when I realized that it was dressed in women's lingerie, from sparkly armwarmers to stilettoes as pearly and sparkling as its oversized front teeth.
"You!" I cried, flinching so that it tumbled off my shoulder. "What're you--"
The bunny winked. "I'm just a sweet little porcupine! Why must you mock my attire? I can dress however I want! FORCE! USE IT!" When his words weren't heeded.. he magically swooped them all into a spontaneous black hole. Then a green happy foot appeared and stomped on the bunny.
"Muahahahahahahahahahahaha. I rock the casbah!" The foot cried.
"uh.. Bye" The rabbit ran away.
So the foot began creating a city inhabited by pigeons. One yellow pigeon fell in love with the foot and ran up to him. That pigeon was feeling brave so he looked straight at the foot and whispered, "You rock my socks. Marry me or I'll beat you with a stick."
And then a monkey with a foot fetish stole the foot and made a music video in the style of film noir.
This attracted the unwanted attentions of PETA and the FCC. Both are loud, obnoxious, and always popping up when they're not wanted. PETA caught a whiff of interspecies "relations" and the FCC was just miffed over the popularity of the video and wanted to stir things up. The monkey's agent said this at the press conference:
"I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT, SHORT AND STOUT!"It's uncertain how he managed to say this in large, bold, pink font, but he did. "HERE IS MY HANDLE, HERE IS MY SPOUT! WHEN I GET ALL STEAMED UP, HERE ME SHOUT: TIP ME OVER AND give me kinky vampire yaoi! NOW! Before my left ear explodes!"
So in order to oblige, the contractors put in a Gravitation DVD and hired Chester Bennington, Davey Havok, Amy Lee, and Kate Beckinsale to dance around in bathing suits, while covered in fake blood and eating chocolate cupcakes from BETTY CROCKERbecause she just brings that magical, homey feeling to the most acid-washed and bare occasions. The Monkey was the first to snatch a treat, opening the floor for the entire animal kingdom to sweep in and help themselves. It was only the wise Platypus who called for a hush the madness. He said "Hush little baby, don't say a word,
And nevermind that noise you heard
It's just the beasts under your bed
In your closet, in your head!"
And thusly, the Platypus was eaten by a rabid Metallica fan. It just goes to show that wisdom shouldn't be passed along in the classic metal band style. You never know who's listening. After finishing its quite tasty meal, the crazed fan reached into his pocket to pull out none other than the moon! Upon which he was promptly crushed by it, as well as by some larger than life sized white raspberry tea bottles. His mother cried, because her son had been allergic to white raspberry tea, and she thought that the tea killed her son. However, he was not dead! After a few minutes, he suddenly emerged from underneath the moon as a beaver. He jumped up on his mother's lap and said "DAM that was a trip!...Get it? Get it? I'm a beaver. Beavers build dams? It's just.... what they do. It was a joke, Mum." But his mother did not find the humor, and she thwapped him with her purse, because her son was allergic to purses. He fell on his severely sharp beaver teeth. They were SO severely sharp that they ripped through the flooring and created a massive hole in the universe.
Through the hole he jumped and was caught by a giant net made of long and beautiful golden hair. but the net was quickly swiped from beneath him by the owner of the hair, Repunzel, who cried "Get out of my house of sonnets, I say! You are tainting the poems, you slithy little badger!"
The beaver was severely offended by this comment. "I am NOT a badger, but a beaver, young miss," he said. "Badgers belong to Helga Hufflepuff, and she lives far away from here."
"Not too far away," replied Rapunzel. "Why, I saw her just yesterday. She was down at the odds and ends shop, looking for little doodads to use in her silly little spells and whatnot. I swear that hobbies such as those are in no way productive, she should take up knitting! Or crocheting!" Rapunzel crossed her arms and pouted, while glaring off in the distance, where she soon saw a whirlwind of odds and ends, charging straight towards her with great speed. Through the air sliced Helga Hufflepuff's deep and threatening voice. She said "What a racket you all are making! Didn't you realize that I was trying to meditate, you silly little mortals." Then Helga swiftly brought out a broken wand and tried to turn them both into frogs, but sadly, only succeeded in turning them to fruit. As soon as they brought themselves back to their non-existant feet, they began to sing lullabies in Spanish. Why Spanish, we have no idea. But the beaver, who had become a banana, suddenly screamed, "Yo quiero Taco Bell!" Rapunzel, who was at this point a lime with lemon-peel curls, replied, "Mais non, monseiur! Je suis française!" The beaver/banana coughed, and became a human prince, who kissed Rapunzel. Rapunzel changed into her human self again, but she turned around and screamed, for she had spontaniously grown the tail of a Chinchilla!
The chinchillas, upon hearing of this, quickly called a council and decided to send troops to investigate, but on the way the troops encountered a mound of chocolatey super fudge fudgey chocolate fudge blocking the way. Not only the path, but surrounding the entire area they were to go to. This angered the chinchillas very much, you see, so they drew their swords and charged forward with great speed. As soon as they met up with the troops at the choco-barrier, they realized the only way to eat such a large quantity of fudge was with strawberries. So they raided the nearby strawberry fields, diverted the path of a river of cream that was flowing through the nearby cheese marshes, and set to having a proper fudge-y feast.
In the meantime, far away in Antarctica a single polar bear stood on a floating block of ice. It had melted away as a result of global warming. Of course, the eskimos up in Alaska used their super-spidey senses to swing into action and save it. The head eskimo lowered his fur-covered hood and shouted "Why is Alaska in Antarctica?!" Before adding much more quietly, "Screw it, the goddess will never be satisfied until all the polar bears in the world are either dead, or dangerously dancing the tango backwards in orange and brown tutus with purple penguins in turquoise janitorial uniforms." He shook his right leg vigorously, attempting to rid the horrid image he received from the very wet and fishy polar bear - which changed its name recently to Pablo de Beera Orga Ange Brow Nututu because of extremely religious purposes, which his lawyer made perfectly clear we weren't to discuss here. However his lawyer was killed three days later by an eskimo, and all documentation of what he said was frozen, thawed, and burnt. and then the ashes were tossed into the sea. So, the polar bear was left in quite a kettle of fish.
He pondered his situation and while doing this, became hungry for fish so he called his insurance company. The woman who picked up wouldn't stop talking in French. So the polar bear hung up and muttered, "I'm switching to Geico." and he dialed the number. Unfortunately, he couldn't get in touch with a HUMAN, so he set up a brunch with the Geico Gecko. they met at 'The Ice Rock Cafe', which, ironically, was in the middle of Death Valley during the summer. Fortunately for the polar bear, it wasn't winter but instead spring and therefore the restaurant was in Madagascar! Unfortunately, all the way through the island they were tripping over various abandoned cameras and other movie equipment. As soon as they got to the Ice Rock Cafe that was on top of the highest and lowest trees, they spotted a director walking briskly in the direction of a camera crew that was rushing to pack up their things. both the Gecko and the polar bear were terribly nosey creatures, so they decided to listen in on the conversation between the director and the crew.
"now why are YOU leaving?" the director whined.
"the same reason everyone else is!" cried one of the crew.
"oh COME ON! it's just a few bush babies having fun!" said the director.
"our idea of fun isn't bush baby mating season!"
The polar bear and gecko looked around. It looked like the bush babies were having some sort of prom-like dance. Every once in a while, the music would stop, and one bush baby would be crowned into the prom court. Sometimes a couple left the bush baby prom, and got in their limousine to go home and mate. Seeing this, our heroes powdered their noses and dressed up in drag and did a funny waltz to the music. They danced and twirled until the polar bear lost its footing sending him and gecko rolling swiftly doing a rather tall hill and into a pile of cotton candy. Upon discovering himself in a mass of said confection, the polar bear stopped and cried, "What is this, some sort of clue to a contest?"
Everyone around the polar bear perked up their ears and listened closely as the polar bear opened his mouth, stared into the distance, and said:
"Critic!"
In the impending panic as everyone shrieked and fled for their lives, the Gryphon tapped the Mock Turtle on the shoulder and said "You should really put a tea-towel over that hole, you know. Someone could fall out of it if you're not careful."
Unfortunately for the Mock Turtle, no sooner had these words been spoken when the hole beneath him grew larger, and larger, and larger. The Mock Turtle cried, "My dear Gryphon! There is no tea-towel large enough to fill this hole! We shall be drowned in its deep seascape until such time as we are released!"
This was quite enough for the Gryphon, who took a piece of blue cloth and tied himself to the Mock Turtle. Suddenly, the Gryphon began to shout, for his eye was full of sea-salt. "How shall I complete my Uglification problems now?" he shouted.
"Why, that's simple," said a small girl behind him, who had just fallen out of the hole. "You wipe the salt from your eyes."
The Gryphon and Mock Turtle spun right round, baby, right round, like a record baby, right round round round. To their surprise, the small girl who emerged from the hole was none other than... Gwen Stefani?
She climbed from the hole, wearing six inch pumps that she tottered on dangerously. She began to sing.
"Tick, tock! Tick, tock! Tick, tock!
Then without warning, the Queen of Hearts leapt from the bushes, swinging an axe. A well aimed chop cost poor Gwen her head. As the blonde head rolled away, still singing, it was picked up by some Jawas who sold it as scrap metal. In a rage, Gwen's body picked up a nearby candlestick and proceeded to brain the Queen with it. Her Majesty retaliated by breaking the candlestick into three pieces and reciting the first 314 digits of Pi. Why she decided to do so, we have still, to this day, absolutely no clue. Gwen's body was still quite angry, and she wanted her head back. So she began to do a peice of art work. She painted for three hours straight and found that it looked like nothing in particular so she threw it at Gaara, who spontaneously popped out of the ground and began to do the Chicken Dance. When he was hit with the painting, he screamed for three and a half minutes, then began to sing, "HEY! HEY! YOU! YOU! I DON'T LIKE YOUR polka dotted knee-socks!"
Hello Kitty thought he was talking to her, for she'd never heard the song before, so she launched an army of squishy marshmallows to attack Gaara!
While he was drowning under the suffocating pile of sweets, the Gryphon and the Mock Turtle realized that they smelled like fish. Upon noticing this, they decided that the only solution was to go on an epic quest for the golden bathtub. They started out by first retrieving The Golden Bathtub Treasure Map!
But, pertaining this map would be a task not so less in complicatory than retrieval of The Golden Bathtub, itself. For, in order to pertain The Golden Bathtub Treasure Map, they'd have to find the owner. Which(for it would be unwise to consider this "owner" a "who" wink , just so happened to be the Ghost of Christmas Past!
Oh, but we all know that in his spare time, when said entity is not haunting someone, he spends his time in a cozy area formerly known as the Under the Bridge Red Hot Gentlemen's Club with Santa Claus and Jack Skellington. The first step in attempting to locate this place was to track down the Red Hot Chili Peppers, because the Gentlemen's Club was named after their song. They finally caught up with the Peppers on tour in Milan. Because on that HD channel the Red Hot Chili Peppers are ALWAYS in Milan. Now, because I know nothing about the Chilli Peppers or Milan, I'm going to pass the story along to the next person who will begin with:
A ninja in desperate need of a sack of fruit flies! Said ninja was looking to feed his pet perfume bottle, when suddenly, out of a nearby teddy bear, an endangered rainbow-tailed squirrel jumped and said "YOU THERE, SIR! DO YOU KNOW CEDRIC DIGGORY!"
The ninja jumped so high that his pants fell off, revealing his very un-ninja-like hot-pink underwear.
"I have no idea who Cedric Diggory is," replied the ninja when he returned to the ground. "However, I know a boy who digs and is named Cedric. And what a peculiar little boy he his. He likes to rub sandpaper between his toes before bed, did you know?"
The squirrel sighed. "Would you like some tea?" said the squirrel.
"What kind of tea?" asked the ninja.
"Well," said the squirrel, "which kinds of tea do you like?"
"I dunno," shrugged the ninja, sitting down. "The strong kind, I guess."
So the squirrel began busying itself with a pot of tea. The ninja, quickly warming to his new friend, said in his strong Cockney accent, "M'name's Hel'ad, but you can call me Frank if it pleases ya."
The squirrel, who'd been raised in a tree just outside of Winsor Palace and barely understood a word he said, nodded politely and poured the tea into two quaint little floral patterened tea cups.
As the ninja babbled incoherently about someting or other, the squirrel inconspicuously added a few drops of some clear liquid into a sugar cube and plunked it into one of the tea cups, which he then handed to the ninja.
Half an hour later, the ninja, sipping demurely at his Earl Grey, noticed something strange about his hands.
"Whoa..." he said, spreading his fingers. "Will y'look at this?!"
"Look at what," asked the squirrel innocently.
"My life line.....it's wiggling!"
"That is certainly NOT the usual way of predicting the future," said a female voice from behind them. "It means that on the twenty-fourth of January three years from now, you shall be trapped in your car during a blizzard and you will starve to death."
The squirrel and the ninja turned around. They were face to face with a blond-haired Gypsy woman with a heartagram burned onto her forehead.
"MY LOVER!" cried the squirrel. "Hast thou fulfilled thy fangirl fantasies?"
"Why, yes," the Gypsy responded. "I snuck backstage after HIM performed, and I began to tear the wings off of butterflies. Thousands of them. All monarch."
"How very cruel!" Screamed the squirrel very squirrely. "You are a monster monarch mandible mutilator!"
At these words, the gypsy burst into flames and began dancing a very spicy dance. The squirrel, in both horror and slight arousal, began to prepare his last will and testament. It was all very sad. You should cry. I'll wait.
Done? Good.
That settled, the squirrel, unable to control his lust, jumped atop the flaming gyspy. In one last puff of smoke, they were both transformed into hermit crabs.
Seeing these strange goings-on, the ninja decided it would be best to pretend that he was a fish living at the bottom of Lake Superior during an epidemic of food poisoning.
"MAGIKARP, KARP, KARP," cried the ninja, in anguish. "I know not what to say in the face of such terror as this."
A young man with long, blond hair and a bottle of Pepsi then descended from a tower of string cheese. He slashed the ninja's throat clean open with a fingernail, and whispered into his ear, "My name is Lestat. You killed my father! Prepare to die! Or, shall I give you the choice that I never had?"
Then suddenly, the ninja was faced with a choice. Should he remain as a sad Pokemon, never to see the light of day but for the confines of poorly written slash fiction? Or was he to live forever as a creature of the night, forced to exist upon the blood of human beings?
Well, fortunately, the ninja didn't have to decide, because at that very moment, Tarzan appeared behind Lestat and offered him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Lestat, being a polite and upstanding gentleman on the surface, could not refuse. "Why yes, old boy, just give me a pina colada spiced with the blood of a lion, and I shall be just fine with your peanut butter and jelly sandwich." And with that the two strode off into the evening, leaving our ninja quite purple. He was only pretending to be a fish, really, and this Lake Superior is not so easy to breath in as one might think... Which begs the question, what exactly is it superior to?
The answers to this and more are yours free with the purchase of twelve Vietnamese children! No growth hormones or preservatives!
In order to find the answers he seeks, the ninja decided to buy himself twelve puny, unpreserved Vietnamese children at the ridiculous price of five hundred and seventy-nine pounds per square inch.
"But why must your prices be so high, O Child-Dealer?" cried the ninja. "Certainly these children need homes, n'est-ce pas?"
At these words, the child-dealer turned upside-down and stood upon his head. He declared, "Dearest Ninja, kith and kin of the shadow! I raise the prices of my children every ten dog-years, did you know?"
No sooner had the child-dealer spoken than twelve Vietnamese children, ten punk-rockers, and fourteen small dogs rose to their feet and began to sing Rocket Man, by Elton John. The ninja was so disturbed by this that he sliced the entire party of people with his katana. Alone and depressed, the ninja sliced himself down the middle. At that moment he had the epiphany that he was not half the man he once was, so he went in search of a monk who could teach him the meaning of life. Or how to cook flan. Which ever came first. Yet on the way to China, he discovered that all the monks in China were really thousand-year-old fat women. At this news, he was mentally scarred. I regret to inform you that our ninja, in his distress, swapped himself for the nearest crash test dummy and was seriously injured in a controlled car accident.
The ninja's mother, niece, and great-grandfather (his only surviving relatives), are suing the car company for the sum of three-fitty. They owed the Lochness Monster that money, so they made no profit. Realizing that the real money was in plastics, the family moved to the states and created a bio-degradible tupperware. Unfortunately, a party they were hosting was ransacked by pirates. All that was left of their fortune was a broken casserole dish and seventeen foldable plastic forks. They decided to avenge the loss of their tupperware empire, and so set forth to pursue the evil pirates of death. Unfortunately, their truck was broken and so they had to pursue the pirates on tricycles. They endured many trials en route. For example there was that one time when they ran over Johnny Depp's shoe. Well, let's just say that Johnny wasn't too happy, and that they all learned the meaning of twenty-three different Swahili swear words.
They also managed to get stuck in the bathroom of a Chinese restaurant, hiding from the FBI agents who were trying to conduct a drug sting in which their fourth cousin eighteen times removed was involved. One of the agents came into the bathroom, singing the theme song to Kikaider the Animation, which is pretty damned brave of him since this particular theme song has no words.
In light of the agent's strange and magical abilities, the family decided they didn't stand a chance and therefore and henceforth and mayhap turned themselves in.
Fortunately, the judge trying their case was blind stinking drunk and randomly sentenced them to fifteen hours of community service in the local brothel.
Except that all the local brothels were by law closed in that time, so they either had to do fifty hours of community service while juggling ping-pong balls, or travel to Bethlehem to collect Mary and Joseph's tax returns.
Seeing as how none of them could figure out a method of holding a cleaning tool without the clever and PAINFUL use of their privates (so that their hands could be free for juggling!), they opted for the latter option, and since they were legally bound not to travel by plane, train, or automobile, they raided the local Da Ming Hun Yi Tu for the earliest surviving depiction of the Drakensberg mountains.
A later depiction of said mountains simply would not do because...
Last update - 03/22/08 (But wait! There's more!)
NaviF00L Community Member 
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