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My artistic rebirth. August 23, 2006 |
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note: I haven't been posting in any of my journals- whether it be hand written, xanga( which was later deleted by a former friend most likely), myspace (which was deleted by my parents), or here, on my gaiaonline journal. All for which I have no patience to sit down and write/type. It was too slow for my personal mental reflections upon my life, which I have to say have been very deep and inspirational to me; I wish to write my autobiography when the right age comes, although I do regret not having I journal.
To keep a long story short, I haven't been recording any of my thoughts, dilemas, or anything else pertaining to my life within the last two most crucial years of my life (i regret it now, I really do), however I do plan on writing an autobiography of myself one day. This entry is bound to show up in it.
The day was August 23, 2006, on a Wednesday. It was early in the afternoon, around three o clock when I decided to log of Gaiaonline (popular roleplaying anime site) and do some research on my favorite artist of all time- Jessicka Fodera, lead singer of bands Jacck off Jill and Scarling. It was late in the summer, long after I had set up my many goals for the season- what not with all the doujinshis and mangas I was gong to make, all the books I would read, all the new things I would learn, all the new things I would do... I only managed to fulfill not even a third of what I had set up for myself. I set those goals up for myself as to get rid of the sloth within me, because when I grow up to become an artist (a proffession I've known I would always have ever since I could remember; i have always wanted to create life within pages, I guess as a blasphemous thought of the concept that as Christians, we are basically puppets made and used by God himself and nothing more), I knew my future income and my way of survival would all depend my inspiration and how hard I could push myself. This summer I was trying to build a stronger character for myself, I was trying to push myself to reach my goals as to get rid of my laziness.
As mentioned before, I only had so little done; barely even a third of what I had planned. Thinking about all this and how I had spent my summer mostly reading one book (the witching hour), clicking away on the internet for images for artistic inspiration, being dragged around by my parents on their stupid road trips like I was still five and let alone the fact I was now sixteen and that I neither had a licence...
(I am currently still seven months away from it due to obtaining my social security card and birth certificate, which takes an additional six weeks. Plus the six months of driving practice I have to do with my parents who aren't the most open minded people in the world. And then there's factor of whether I pass the test or not; my D.E. instructor highly recommended to test at the DMV within two weeks. Well it's been six and now I have to wait an additional six weeks to get my permit testing, and then wait six months to test for my actual licence. Hopefully, all that time will eventually pass by, I'll pass both exams, and I'll finally have the world in my hands!)
nor a sweet sixteenth birthday like everyone else...
( due to lack of friends i had at the time because I had to commute to a private school in Merced 5 days a week which was two hours away and that my mom or dad, whoever was living with me in our second home, would fault me endlessly about my current situation and where I stood in my sexual orientation and about him...; all because I got kicked out of the last private school I was in because of the fact that I was bisexual at the time, was not a Christian and had somewhat of an explicit myspace where guys would be hitting on me online, which they shouldn't have checked in the first place. And the whole reason I went to a private school was because my diemma with him... I told my parents which I shouldn't have, later on the cops got involved, everyone hated me, nobody understood what was going on inside me at all... strange enough, at the time I wanted to get out of my first and last public highschool to escape my lonliness, only to experience it more in a redneck hell people would like to call "Merced".)- I felt terribly worthless, like I was good for absolutely nothing. Besides, what's the use in declaring yourself an artist if you can't even finnish a product to show off ( I have plenty of them , unfinnished yet very good I have to say).
Anyway, back to the beginning of my story, away from all the thought and remembrance of my lonely past... I was researching about my all time favorite idol, Jessicka Fodera, when I stumbled upon a peice of information I had never known about her:
"Jessicka was born Jessica Fodera on October 22nd 1974. She lived in Sunrise, Florida for most of her life and claims that she always hated it. She began singing at the age of 3, and was enrolled in a special school where she excelled in Art and Music. She later attended Horizons Elementary School, where she joined the choir and - shock, horror - was even part of the popular crowd.
It was only when Jessicka was made Homecoming Queen that she decided things had to change. She says she "didn't feel comfortable in her own skin" and that "there's nothing worse than being carted around in a truck with a crown on your head". It was only when she started hanging around with the so called outcasts/losers/geeks that she realised who she really was... she added the "K" to her name as part of what she calls her "artistic rebirth", and started listening to bands such as L7 and Babes In Toyland. She had been a fan of the Cure since she was 13, and today still calls them one of her biggest influences (and Robert Smith is said to be a big fan of her)."
The source of this information
Well, for me I can completley relate to Jessicka's testimony, especially now. You see, I used to be part of a popular crowd myself, both in Milpitas High (my first and only public school I would ever attend) and freemont Christian (the school my parents forced my to attend because of him). I used to make appearance all the time- at parties, at school, at the mall, online, on mypace, just about everywhere. This was right after I had declared myself as a bisexual, I guess not so much for my personal awakening, but just for acceptance. ( bisexuality at this time was just starting to become an upcoming trend. people thought that this prefernce was soobscene and outrageous it actually became "cool" despite it's abnormality. Plus people were beginning to find out that many underground music artists happened to be bisexual. All my life, I happened to be born with a gay mentality, with my feminine atributes, my taste for the color pink and narcicism for more masculine, handsome men; I didn't feel any sexual appeal towards females in the least...) There hadn't been a day where i didn't hug at least fifty people or talk to at least the same number or higher. I thought life couldn't get any better for me at the time, that if I at least had friends to adore me and a public to make appearances with that it would be all I'd need to get by in life.
Things changed when my current school at the time, freemont Christian, found out about my myspace profile, my true intentions of using the school as a stepping stone to get to an acceptional college and my so called sexual preference. I was kicked out of the school, without negotiation or chance to get back in. Later on with the next two weeks, I left my friends, my livlihood and the social life that I was just starting again in November for an even smaller school in Merced, Stone Ridge Christian. This was ironic because I at first I thought that Freemont was too small for me with it's population of 300 students; Stone Ridge only had 76 or less. This time, instead of taking a thirty minute drive in the mornings at 7:00, I made a two to three hour drive twice a week to and and from Merced. We had a second home here, in this redneck hell, people would like to call a town. the house was comfortable, but the people weren't. Many of the people were what you would call white trash. To make it short, they would contradict what they said about their Christian beliefs by smoking, vandalizing and boasting about all the sex they've had with their trashy girlfriends or boyfriends. i tried making frioends, but no one ever seemed to get the meaning of what the terms "trust and "friendship" really meant... they were all fuking asssholes, including the Chemistry teacher who gave me a WF and always complained about my laziness in the second semester when I was clearly working my a** off on her class, actually alot more than all my other classes. I deserved a fuking A and I knew it. For six months of my life, I had no friends, no companions except for a councelor my parents paid for me to see every week because they still thought I was mentally sick (perhaps these "events" occuring in my life would have been enough to make a sane person go mad) , but still, it wasn't the same. I literally was trapped. Clearly my friends at Freemont Christian had long forgotten about me, and all that remained of my friends in Milpitas high had probably forgotten I even existed. No companions to cheer me up, my online journal accounts deleted, stuck in a house stuck with my endlessly faulting parents and three months of school work to catch up on... yeah, this was the life. I realized then, that I was pretty much alone and that in a sense, no matter how many friends I would have agian in the future, that I always would be alone, that I would be my only emmotional supporter, that if I wanted to get somewhere, that I shouldn't expect a lending hand from anyone. I now knew what true lonliness felt like, and that feeling will always be there within me. It has made me stronger as a person, stronger as an artist.
Now it is nearing the end of summer and almost miraculously I have been accpeted back into Freemont Christian, except now I have returned as a different person from what I used to be. I am not completley different, I have just mentally cleansed myself of all sloth, vanity, gluttonny and dependence from the compliments of others. I will portray my true self, me, as I was meant to be.
I see an image before me, an image of a man, no a person independantly confident in himself, taking pride in all that he stands for eminating an individual beauty from the inside and out. I truly have awakened. Today I am reborn.
John was a name symbolizing my naive immaturity, my childish ignoraunce, and weak conformance to what the rest of world wanted to see within me. I cast it away. John was the boy who vaguely knew who he really was, but wanted to please everyone and be adored for the wrong reasons, a young boy who once hopelessly gave his heart to the devil and experienced a betrayal that eventually lead to his artistic rebirth.I am no longer that boy. I am Alexiel. My true essence is perfectly represented by the symbolic manga icon, Alexiel from Kaori Yuki's Angel Santuary;the femaile angel who lead a rebelion against God, denouncing her angelic title and all that Heaven stood for. She was then reiencarnated into a the body of a boy, Setsuna Mudo, where her female essence dormantly lived on until her awakening. I am that rebellious angel in human form. As the filipino son of the Casibang family, one of the most reknown families from its home country, I am that fallen angel. I am the true girl anachronism. I am no longer John Caesar Casibang. I am Alexiel.
 Poison_Desires · Thu Aug 24, 2006 @ 09:25pm · 3 Comments |
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