I Don't Know Why
I don't know why I'm starting a journal entry when I never really do that kinda thing on Gaia and even in rl I don't keep up with journals but I just felt like I should write something just for the heck of it.
I was on gaia since at least 2011? Idk Around there. My friend Jennifer shared it with me. She seemed popular on here. I'm not sure how. I was more so known for playing ZOMG all the time but now that's dying. I haven't been on here much anymore...but when I was here...back then...I had so many happy memories. It was a time in my life where I was still depressed, still should have gone to a therapist but more or less the happiest I could remember myself ever being.
I met new people, some who have changed my life...some who have made me cry and some who I'll never forget. Wow I feel like those old people that always talk about the time where we had cassette tapes and stuff. Anyway... Thank you gaia...for all the fond memories...for the happiness you gave me. I should've been more grateful for them but I never knew how much worse things would get.
Life right now is barely manageable for me and I wish everyone could understand that. Every responsibility that has to be fulfilled, big or small, is taking me immense effort and energy, more than a normal person. I miss those days when I was on here...still kinda sad but overall happy. I had friends...a lover...and a mother...someone that would listen to me. The only thing I really had to worry about was the homework that was due the next day. But now as an older person...I'm fully immersed in this dark, thick, incapacitating, liquid called depression. It's like being stuck in a tub full of rodent glue and someones banging on the door saying you gotta get out so they can use the bathroom but you're pushing down so hard on the water faucet thingy but still can't budge.
Idk was that a weird thing to say? Sorry I have mice running around the apartment so that's the first thing that came to mind. Anyway I realized that I have this fear of being alone...and I mean it as in when no one talks to you or can understand you anymore...I have a boyfriend and one friend now...they both don't talk to me very much....and that's kinda hard for me cause my depression is always talking to me....so I kinda need someone to talk to so I'm not talking with my depression all the time. And when no ones there for a long time I get anxious...
Lol to sum this all up....the time when I was growing up here I was so happy and I miss those times so much but I know that no matter how much I miss and want that back...I can never get it back...
 Mrs Lemonss · Sun Jan 10, 2021 @ 02:01am · 0 Comments |
