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Little Black Book of Eventually Read Secrets
Let Him Go
Its bizarre how it sneaks up on you.
Its been 2 months now since we put Dexter to sleep. And we have a new, rambunctious, over the top puppy named Murphy.
I currently have a love/hate relationship with him. I'm the one training him, so I simultaneously need to balance punishment and reward. And I need to remind myself that I do love him.
But I don't honestly. If anything, he's just a painful reminder of what I lost. I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe something a bit gentler. Maybe some kind of new spark. Or an instant attachment.
But I miss my days of rest--which is a lot to say, considering I'm a mother of two. But they weren't nearly as stressful as him. Babies really are easier than puppies.
But I also miss having my old dog, who would just sleep at my feet, follow me every where, and listen to every command. He would be lazy with me, cuddle with me, be there for me.

But I've been trying to attach myself to him. I think about the future, and remind myself that he's not going to be like this forever. That some day, he will want to rest beside me like a faithful companion. Some day the biting will stop, and he'll be calmer.

I miss Dexter. He makes me miss him. I go long periods of not thinking about it, but then he'll do something so infuriating, I can't help but mutter it out loud. To which my husband sighs in frustration. He wants me to love Murphy. But he knows I miss Dexter.

I keep thinking about that day. I guess I figured I would be hung up on him like this for a while. It took me almost a year to let go of Rebel, and I didn't nearly have the same bond with him like I did with Dexter. Dexter was my best friend, my shadow, my ever loving companion. When I was alone, Dexter was with me...

I get these stray thoughts. 'I should've taken the offer of having him that weekend', is the prominent one. Mom offered for us to do it on the Monday, so I can have the weekend with him. But I said no, instantly, without considering it. There was a good reason, he was yelping...no, howling in pain. He did something, and it was not getting better. He was suffering. Nothing I did made it better. So I told myself;

If you love him, let him go.

I loved him so much. So I wanted him to not be in pain. So I said no, instantly, and we made the decision. I couldn't go back on it...But maybe I should've. Maybe I should've tried more things, more heat, more massage, more RMT. I have a lot of "I should've"s. And as I go through the memory of that day, minute to minute, I just keep telling myself.

"If you love him, let him go."

No more suffering. No more cancer. No more pain. No more accidents, no more anxiety, no more fear. No more suffering. If you love him, let him go. I remember thinking this as I sat on the floor with him, and his head sank onto my lap as the sedation kicked in, and he fell into a deep sleep. I thought this as I ran my fingers through his hair, and played with his ears. If you love him, let him go, I thought, as I brushed my fingers along his snout, and pushed the hair from his glazed eyes.

If you love him, let him go, I thought, as everyone watched me in the room, and asked if I was ready. I felt the panic, the absolute devastation, the immense loss, the desperation to take it all back. But I couldn't. He was sleeping now, and he would never wake up. If I loved him, I'd let him go. So I nodded my head.

And I watched her as she pushed in the plunger, and I gripped him as his heart instantly stopped, and he died, in my lap.

I loved him.

So I let him go...

And as I sit here, typing this out, I cry at the thought of it. The memory of it. The ache. With eyes closed, I sob softly, when suddenly I feel something soft under my finger tips, and a small, warm body lean against me...Its Murphy. There's no biting. No clawing. No jumping.

Just him, doing exactly what Dexter would've done...And for the first time in the last two months, I feel love begin to bloom, and I feel the bond grow. Maybe...Just maybe, I can love him too.

Azure Starwish
Community Member
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