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Little Black Book of Eventually Read Secrets
Baby Journal #1
I knew I was pregnant before I took the test. Much like I did with your brother, I just had an internal instinct telling me; something is different. But I was apprehensive. I was scared. Your father would poke fun at my general unwellness, the headaches and bloating and feeling sick, and I would cringe and whisper, "Please don't get my hopes up.". Losing my last one left deep gouges, and I was scared of reopening the wounds with any shred of hope. I was finally starting to heal.

But, something was different this time. It started with the exhaustion, the general unwell feeling, then the breast tenderness. By that point, I just knew.

On the day of my expected period, I did a test. 6:30 in the morning, while your father set off to work, I sat on the side of the tub, watching the test in my hands. It was a negative at first, so I threw it in the garbage. But after a minute, something begged me to look at it again.

And so I did.

And there you were.

2 lines. One extremely faint. But 2 none the less.

Any grief I was feeling for the loss of my last one is temporarily pushed aside as I feel a rush of excitement. This is happening. I'm pregnant, again, and this test proves it.

I did another three tests following that one. The second was stronger than the first, and the third was stronger than the second. So finally, I bought a digital. And it couldn't be anymore clear than those lines. More clear than the other tests from the last pregnancy.

"Pregnant"

I'm scared. To be honest, I'm terrified. I'm very early, only 5 weeks as of today. So I'm holding my breath and second guessing every twinge and pain in my body. But you're still there. Growing.

Today you have a tail, and you're the size of an apple seed. Your organs are forming, and if I got an ultrasound right now, I might actually be able to hear your little heart, probably beating as strong as your brother's did, at 160 bpm.

Its surreal right now. But I am still worried about loss. Especially this time. Especially with you. But something in me says it's going to be okay. Unlike my miscarriage, I'm feeling different things this time. I'm sick (morning sickness yaaay), my breasts are killing me, I'm tired, and yet, I'm feeling okay. I don't have anxiety, I'm not testing myself constantly. I'm more confident this time.

I think we'll be okay, my little Rainbow Baby.

Now if I can just get off all these medications, we'll be golden. One step at a time, though.

Another 3 weeks to go till I officially get to confirm your existence with my doctor. And another 8 weeks to go till I get to see you for the first time, and we move into second trimester.

Then the true fun begins. I can't wait.

Azure Starwish
Community Member
  • [11/13/18 02:25pm]
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