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Ceci n'est pas une revue

Community Member
I don't know if you read this, it might be narcissistic to think you do but it's fine. It's cathartic to leave these public. But if you do, i don't say the next think to hurt anyone but just because it's true and it feels like when i get something stuck in my mind if i dont write it down i can't move on.

When i started talking to talk to you again you said this thing, you apologized for being a slut, which is heart breaking because i can't believe i would have said something like that. I did feel that way at the time, that you were going down a grim road based on a couple of things but it shouldnt have been said. I guess it resonated with you that i dont remember saying it but you remember hearing it. in the same way i remember you saying that i was too physically affectionate, i don't remember the context but i remember it and i just had felt like for my entire life people just deal with me, and especially with me being around them. when i was a kid i didn't really get people so i deliberately avoided them so i couldnt do it wrong. and that seems to be the only approach i can take to being near people now. I can't deal with people touching me and i can't talk to anyone about this because the immediate reponse to this is to try to touch me to reaussure me. i know that they wouldnt want to touch me unless it's out of this sort of pity for me and i just want so damn much to ever be desired, not even sexually just to be able to be physically affectionate with someone with someone and not feel like im repulsive or that they're around me because of pity. it's not like this is completely her fault but it's like a small rock causing an avalanche. I was hardly well put together to begin with. i hope this changes. sometimes i feel like im trying to convince myself im asexual so i dont have to deal with this, i dont know how the future will turn out, i hope its better.

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