I'll get to the thread responses after I get back to my dorm.
My grandmother died a couple days before Christmas and was cremated Christmas day, halfway across the world. It took us all by surprise. I haven't seen her since I was six, but she took care of me when I was born until I was three and she'd cry when I called her. I guess she won't ever get to see me all grown up.
My father says it's probably medical malpractice. Nobody gives a s**t about anybody in China. My grandmother went into respiratory arrest and the doctor couldn't be bothered to come. My other grandmother had heart failure and they put her on an IV drip when my father, a doctor, says people with heart failure need diuretics to lower blood pressure, not additional fluids. My grandfather was sent home to die of a stroke because he couldn't afford treatment. So. It's nice to live in America.
I turn twenty in fourteen days.
I haven't had the chance to log into gaia because the internet at home is slow and I wasn't in the mood to explain why a grown man would be logging into gaiaonline, and even less why his avatar is a girl. I just really enjoy designing avatars. Depending on how you look, people talk to you differently. My journal is here, and it is hard to write entries without an avatar. You need to lie a little to be honest. You either need to create a false persona or blunt your stories. soracious wonk is my persona. Not entirely true, but solid enough to tell stories.
Though I'm a terrible storyteller. I'm doing a good job if you can't tell which parts of this journal are lies and which are true.
Every night since I've gotten here I've had weird dreams. It is constantly around 50 degrees in the house because poverty. I'm getting used to it. I dreamed I lived in a room with a wide window without glass, only covered in steel chain, and winter wind whistled in constantly. I dreamed my father asked how many boyfriends I have and I said, "All of them" as a joke, when really I was very nervous about how he knew. My cousin said the most interesting article she read in her sociology class was about transsexuals, as I ransacked her collection of literary journals.
My father came back and tried to fix the toilet, and now it flushes constantly when the water is turned on and the shower is, as my cousin says, like raindrops are falling on your head, or, as I prefer to say, like being pissed on by maybe two, but definitely no more than three, old men.
I read the first two books of A Song of Ice and Fire, and it seems not a chapter can go by without the mention of whores, tits, rape, sex, or naked women. Please Mr. Martin. I'm glad Arya Stark is a strong female character, but Sansa and Catelyn are a bit wanting currently. Daenerys is naive, but I guess that makes her realistic.
I guess all the sex could be there because gametes (sex cells) (sex sells) (ah ha ha) (eh)...you know, for the same reason I throw in random comparisons to old men pissing in my journal entries... but there's entertainment, and then there's misogyny and it's difficult to distinguish the two, particularly in fictional worlds, where one could say, well the entire world is misogynistic, that's the way it's supposed to be, and it's got nothing to do with the author's values.
My father was singing and it's not awful, but it isn't wonderful, and I remember putting my ear-buds in and turning on my iPod when I thought, one day he will die too and this singing will be the most precious sound I will ever hear. So I listened to him, but it wasn't enjoyable.
My father said at the dinner table a few days back, "In twenty years you will have it good. You'll be a physician and I'll probably be dead."
Because we're all so loving and expressive here, I didn't say, "No you won't!" or "Don't be silly!" I just shook my head and left. But it made me realize what I wanted to do with my life.
I was very naive when I was younger. I wanted to follow my own dreams and make stories and go on adventures just like in the books, but now I realize I just want to make sure I have enough money to give my parents something nice before they die, because death takes us all, and god forbid they aren't repaid for all they've done to me. Debtors go to hell. Not that I believe in hell. But they do.
So I told my mother, if I just went into computer science, I'd have money as soon as I graduate, instead of having six to eight years of penniless labor and massive debt. They're both about fifty. How long do they have left? I want to give them enough to travel the world, to fix this s**t house, to eat what they want and be warm in the winter and never worry. I don't want my mother carting groceries in a laundry cart from Chinatown an hour away by subway.
So that stupid high school idealism has set me back a bit. If I can get a high enough MCAT, maybe it won't matter, but my gpa is actually really terrible. I think I gave up somewhere along the line.
I always feel like I'm floating, I say things that I don't think about and I don't know where I'm going or where I want to go. Well a glider will always fall, you have to struggle if you want to get anywhere.
My cousin's back, I gotta go. I worry a lot. It's pretty dumb.
sora wonk Community Member 
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