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Ineradicable Drive Towards Collectivity |
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Anyone who knows me will tell you, if they like you, that I'm not the most empathetic person on the planet. I used to be, don't get me wrong, but due to a variety of crippling life experiences, I've become a rather cynical b*****d. I hate hearing about other people's problems for anything other than laughs, most of my advice ends up advocating murder/suicide, and I relish the oppurtunity to show others exactly how stupid they are. I am, in the basest sense of the word, a misanthrope. I find other people sickening, selfish, egocentric, stupid, rolling balls of flesh that persist for the sake of making other rolling balls of flesh miserable. Schopenhauer said that "human existence must be some kind of error," and if I believed in determinism I would certainly agree.
"My hate is general, I detest all men;
Some because they are wicked and do evil,
Others because they tolerate the wicked,
Refusing them the active vigorous scorn
Which vice should stimulate in virtuous minds."--Alceste, Le Misanthrope
However, I do find myself morbidly fascinated with music. Given my aforementioned disdain for humanity, both in general and in specific terms, I should hate everything that humanity produces, as it is all just a manifestation of their own drive to consume everything and everyone they can, but I find myself utterly devoted to music. And it's not because of the emotional content of music. I enjoy listening to sad songs, but not because they connect me to the collective suffering of the human race. In fact, if they did, it's likely I'd swear off of music until my death. I have a hunch that I enjoy listening to sad songs for the same reason that watching people cry makes me smile. Is it because I enjoy the suffering of others? Perhaps, but I can't help but feel that it is more complicated than that. Is it pity? Doubtful, unless it's a baby. Could it be that I am subconciously forcing myself to attempt to experience what they are experiencing, forcing myself to try and empathize with these people? I believe so. Humans, in my understanding of them, have both an unending urge to differentiate themselves from the rest of the species, to be unique and individual, and an unyielding urge to conform, to be accepted and loved as everyone else is. These two urges conflict, which causes most, if not all, of the strife we feel in our daily lives. And I believe that it is due to this conflict that I am so enthralled with music.
I am a separate creature from the herd. I feel, at best, compassion for children, and at worst, contempt for the entire species and an intense desire to see their destruction. This behavior is, of course, rather against the herd's main function, which is collectivity. For instance, were my opinions the norm, humanity would eradicate itself within the week! However, being a human myself, I do fall victim to the second urge, which, for a few of my slower readers, is the urge to conform, the universality impulse. And it is this urge that I believe forces me to try to integrate into the herd by pushing me to empathize with other people, an act which my conscious mind finds utterly repugnant. I believe that this conflict has reached a stalemate, much like the conflict between the id and the superego must for normalization in Freudian psychology. Perhaps there is a mediating force between individuality and universality, but that is far from important to me. I believe that the individual urge, within myself, has for the most part won the struggle so far, but that the urge for universality laid a decent smack down and pushed one small bit of empathy through into my personality, which attached to music. Which is easy to imagine, as I've taken music courses all through primary and secondary school and a few into my college years for fun.
Now, perhaps in the future my other primary urges (sexual urges are the only ones I currently see that have any impact on me at all...) will force me into a more social position in order to have them fulfilled. Indeed, my current philosophical position tends to make me rather...unpopular with the ladies, as I am quick to tell them that they mean next to nothing to me, and that anything we do together will be purely for my enjoyment, as I suspect that all human behavior is done to satisfy ones own urges. The girl will, of course, be using me to satisfy their own urges as well, but they seem to hate having it thrown in their face, which to me is half the fun. In fact, my current outlook seems to attract both the sadists and the masochists, neither of which are much fun for me. Trust me, I've had both, and while the sadists are fun to ******** with, their need for dominance and my need for freedom(from everything. I've discovered that that is my primary desire in life. I want to be free, which of course means that i will be alone forever.) lead to conflict, and when a sadist and myself get into a fight, it tends to end very badly. Explosively, in fact. As for masochists, they just bore me. I can't understand the need to hoist off responsibility by sacrificing control. It baffles me. But perhaps it requires a certain mindset that is just completely incompatible with my own. Plus, they tend to be rather boring in bed. "Tie me up, tie me down, beat me, bite me, hurt me..." It's fun for a while, but after a while it's like ******** a very soft, very nice paperweight. I don't like sex to be static, in a way. Sex, to me, should be a dynamic exchange. There should be motion, energy, passion, screaming, moaning, panting... Sex should leave you drained, empty and satisfied. And when your partner is tied to the bed, it's hard to get that energy, and certainly hard to get the motion. It lacks a versatility that I enjoy, which is why I tend to shun masochists. Which, turns out, is a bad thing, because I am forced into celibacy by rejecting the masochists, pissing off the sadists, and completely ignoring the "normal" girls... It's hard to find a nice, damaged girl these days.
Eh, I really don't know how the topic morphed from my preoccupation with music to sex, but it seems that most of my conversations these days turn to sex, due in no small part to the fact that I hang out with virgins and sluts. I'm starting to notice a strange duality in my personality, which is likely to cause a catastrophic system error and cause me to crash...
DAMN YOU, TECH SUPPORT!
 rKeAnKbUo · Tue Apr 26, 2011 @ 03:41am · 1 Comments |
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