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I've hardly thought of updating this thing. My last entry was forever ago, and a ridiculous amount of crap has happened since then, most of it suck-ish, but hey, I'm a stronger person for it. Writing it all down in this thing probably would have helped me through it all, but I hadn't the motivation to recall it all to put it all down. Plus, if anyone ever read them (which I don't think would ever happen . . . not many people read my journals, but that's okay, I don't really expect anyone to) they might just think I'm a whiney pratt or something. So, summary? I'll keep it as brief as possible because I don't really care to write it all down.
School started and a little way into . . . september maybe?-- my grandmother died post-opp for the removal of cancer. That was a bit of a tough one. Time kept moving, and my younger sister "moved" in with us. I use quotes because really she was just staying with us for a bit, at least until either her father or we could get a permanent bed for her. We would have been happy to have had it been at our house. Things were really improving for her too. She stopped running away from home, we were working on getting her to stop smoking, her grades were improving, she was on the colorguard team with me and enjoying it, and she seemed happy. That was until thanksgiving when my mom took her and undid it all. We had made her an appointment to have a mental health official evaluate her so we might be able to get her some emotional counseling (she was cutting herself off and on and she's always had bad emotional issues). But my snake of a mother told her that we were comitting her to a mental asylum, so of course she refused to come back with us. We tried to call child services to at least protect Mandi after she told us mom would cuss, yell, and hit her when she was drunk or leave her alone all night while she was out, but unfortunately, due to the holiday, the paperwork wasn't done in time for a custody court hearing. Mandi wasn't signed over to her father, and neither was Angel, so there was no more chance of having them in our lives so we might be able to get them into better schools and under a more stable roof. So there was that. Fun stuff.
Things kind of rolled after that, there were court hearings, and a bunch of nonsense that all ended in the maintainance of my mother's custody of Mandi and Angel. Stupid crap that I can't even remember, there was so much going on. So I was all blaaaah about all that. All I can say is that it sucked . . . and lasted for a good three/four months. In the midst of all this, the guild I RP in, my favorite guild and group of awesome people, was attacked by someone and our most beloved RPs were deleted. That sucked. A lot. Especially because I felt like I was caught between the two sides of the matter. There was the side that freaked out and immediately went to find the culprit, then there was the side that freaked out and immediately left the guild. There were a lot of silly miscommunications between a lot of people so people were hurt and angry in all sorts of different ways, including myself, so it was all pretty terrible. I felt like I had been played while at the same time feeling like I was the one playing people (in a weird way). I mean, I was upset and even considered taking a break from the guild a while before the RPs were deleted (I mean, I needed it too. Life wasn't being too kind to me), so when the side that left the guild saw that I wasn't up and quitting like they had, they were angry at me and said that I was untrustable. Whatever, it's not like I've known you for a good couple of years, so it's no big deal that you never want to talk to me again. [/sarcasm]
Anyway, to an outsider this might all seem really silly, but it was a pretty big deal. I could have decided to go on my hiatus right then and there, but I wasn't about to leave all these people I care about to pick up the pieces and limp along without helping. I was hurt, but not that hurt, so I just pushed to get over it and put everything behind me. More fun, but like I said before, I'm a stronger person for all this silly stuff.
Aaaand not long after all that, life hit me again hard. And I mean really hard. This next one I don't think I can just skim over, because it's not something I've delt with fully yet, and I really need to get it all out. I've never told anyone much about the worst week of my life at the end of February, 2010, so maybe it's time I let it go.
February 25th, 2010, a girl named Chelsea King went missing. I found out about it late that night, after my stepsisters had come home from one of their band concerts. Julia told us, saying Chelsea was supposed to be home at a certain time, 4:00 I think it was, after a run but she never came home. I tried to think, where could she be? I knew Chelsea, not as well as others, but she was still a classmate and someone I liked. I didn't really know how to feel about it, because I guess I didn't really think it was possible. Julia and I made comments about it before going to bed. You think she ran off? Of course not, Chelsea's too level-headed. Hopefully they'll find her tonight--maybe she fell and hurt her leg or something while running. She did have an issue where she fainted if she ran too hard, maybe that's it. Yeah, something like that. They'll find her.
As I climbed into bed I texted my friend Paige. --You hear about Chelsea King? She's missing.-- --Really? Maybe she ran off.-- --No way, not Chelsea. She's like, perfect.-- --Hmm . . . maybe I should call Kristi, she knows her really well.-- --We're hoping she's just gotten lost, or hurt herself on a trail or something. That way they'll find her tonight.-- --Yeah, let's hope.--
By the next morning, there were missing posters up at school. That was quick. Paige was tired because she had been on the phone with Kristi until 2:00 in the morning, trying to comfort her. I heard that there were dozens of students who had gone to the park where Chelsea went missing from to aid in the search, but they were turned away. Almost the entire band knew, but the rest of the school had yet to be informed. It wasn't long before they found out, though. After school started our principal announced her disappearance over the intercom. I was hopeful though, I was sure she would be found in no time. But the day wore on and there was no news. We all grew tense as the last couple of periods came and there was nothing.
All of us immediately looked into what we could do to help the search effort. I went to student services and grabbed as many posters as they would let me have to post up around the city and neighboring areas. I wanted to be able to be in a search party at the park, but they wouldn't let anyone besides police in. So my stepsisters and I had to be satisfied with putting up posters wherever there werent any. It was a friday afternoon, so we had all the time in the world to go as far as possible to get the word out. By that time they even had it on national news. I think that's when I began to get a little scared. Later that night they announced over the Chelsea facebook group that 18-year-olds were allowed to join the search effort if they went to a facility to fill out the paper work and go through training on saturday morning. I hardly even finished reading the message before I had decided that I would be going no matter what. I was able to fall asleep that night with a little more hope, despite what news channels and terrible newscastors were saying. We didn't watch the news anyway, there were too many false reports flying around for them to be trusted.
The next morning my parents and I went to where they were training people to participate in search and rescue parties. It was a relief that they were called search and rescue. It was a rainy day and it had rained all through the night, so we wore coats and tennishoes. By the time we arrived where we were supposed to be, hundreds had already shown up, and nobody was being accepted for training anymore. It wasn't hard to find my friends, all gathered underneath a tree in a circle, looking about as tired as I felt. I doubted any of us were sleeping well, if at all. Then there was the fact that our emotions were starting to take a physical toll on our bodies. We made plans to drive as far as we could to pass our more fliers. We were interrupted by Mr. King, Chelsea's father, who stood atop a pick-up truck and gave a very encouraging and warming speech. This gave us all a bit more of a spring in our step. After deciding to split up and drive opposite directions, we headed out. I told my parents of our plans, not really knowing when I would be home next. They understood. Dad gave me his navy-issue trench coat to keep me dry.
First we all went to my friend Ryan's house to wait for someone to go to kinkos and get copies of Chelsea's missing fliers. We later found out that kinkos printed five hundred copies for us without charge. While we waited we tried to relax a little, one of the girls there, Susan, falling asleep for ten minutes at the table because she hadn't slept in two days. I felt guilty for not having been as active as she was. After the copies came in, we charted our course and headed out, Ryan, Ross, Kayla, Mackenzie, Brian, and I. The drive was about an hour and a half or so, so we tried to have as much fun on the way as we could. Lord knew we needed it. We stopped a few places, including some goofy little town called Rainbow Valley. When we finally got to . . . wherever the hell it was, I can't even remember now, we started to jump out of Ryan's minivan in shifts, hitting every single store that would put up our posters. We quickly found that it was a mistake to not bring ponchos or umbrellas. It was pouring, windy, and cold as ever outside. I had left my father's trench coat in the car, not thinking I would need it. I drowned in it anyway, it was huge. I was hardly outside for five minutes, running between stores across a parking lot, and my clothes were soaked through and through. I hadn't even managed to keep my feet dry because I couldn't seem to avoid the puddles that were deceptively deep. To say the least, after that I wore my dad's trench coat, even though it nearly swallowed me whole. At least it was warm and water resistant.
After the first two shifts of running to stores, Ryan darkly reminded us that it would be safer if we traveled in pairs. We didn't cover as many stores as quickly, but he was right, it was safer. Plus, it made the work a little less lonely, a feeling that seemed hard to escape at that point in time. We ran in and out of the van to stores to put up fliers for about three or four hours. We eventually had to stop because of the threat of getting seriously ill. Not a single one of us was dry, and warmth seemed hard to come by with the exception of the short respites in the heated minivan. We decided to stop for dinner, then we were on our way back home.
When I was dropped off back at my house, it was about sunset, though it couldn't be seen through the thick, dark cloud cover. I walked in to my livingroom, acutely aware of how somber the atmosphere was, and shucked off my wet coats, shoes, and socks. My parents asked me how it was, and I think I said, "cold." There was no new news, and I began to feel even more tired. A candle had been lit in prayer for Chelsea in front of one of her missing fliers on our entertainment center. There were also other candles lit around the livingroom. I was glad that, though the atmosphere was somber, the room was still warm and inviting. We were far from giving up hope.
I think I'm going to stop there for now. It's getting to me a little. This is all a lot to unload, I guess I shouldn't have expected it to be easy. I've hardly thought this much about it since it happened, so I guess that's a good step in the right direction. I'll updated the rest later for my own health. Until then, I say to myself, ciao, because I'm probably the only one who will ever read or re-read this.
Je suis a toi · Sat Aug 14, 2010 @ 07:07am · 0 Comments |
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