I don't know if anyone is reading this, but whatever you know? Just gotta let my feelings out....
The pregnancy is going good. My boy is moving around a lot. It tickles. He is mainly active at night, thus I gave the nickname Owl. I love my boy so much and I want him here. Only 3 more months, about to be only 2 more months we have to wait. Jaden hurry up and get here!!! lol
I'm doing my best to stay happy. I am succeeding so far. On Monday, I went to an orientation to know my rights and responsibilities for obtaining Cash Aid. And everyone but the only other pregnant girl didn't notice me. But the pregnant girl like... gave me a dirty look. I just smiled and walked to find a seat for me and the soon-to-be-daddy.
But sometimes... I feel so lonely when it comes to him. Anything he says or does can make me or break me. Does he know how he is making me feel? It must be the hormones or something. But I constantly feel so lonely and empty and on the verge of crying. I then feel my little kick to tickle me. Then I begin to feel somewhat better. I wish I could see my friends, but they are all so busy. He is out with his friends everyday... and if my family were to know, they'd be upset. Should I tell them or not? They already told him that he needs to put me and our son first. But he hasn't... his friends come first. Why can't I ever tell him anything without him getting angry? If I tell him to do something that will benefit him, he gets angry for "nagging" him. And if I don't tell him to do something and then tell him what he should have done, he gets mad at me for not telling him. Then he gets mad at me if I don't turn to him, when he in turn never turns to me. I love him so much but I'm afraid that he's going to end up leaving me or disappointing me in the future. He thinks I'm clingy if I ask him to go somewhere with me. I apologize to him that I can't move more easily because of our son. I stopped picking fights with him, but it seems he's starting to do that to me. Some days, he won't text me or talk to me for a long time. I need him to be someone who is stable. I shouldn't be stressing out over the crap that he's putting me through. I ask him to change, and he says if I expect him to change, I have to change myself. What he doesn't realize is that I have. He is so blind because all he sees is his friends. I don't know where I stand in his eyes, mind, and heart. Its like me and my son are at the back of the group, waiting to be acknowledged. I raise my hand to let him know that I'm there, but he just keeps noticing his friends. I always imagine myself sitting in the dark holding my son after he is born, and crying, holding him close out of fear that he'll leave me too. In my imagination, everyone has their back turned to me. This is all from my heart...
 Samantha7810 · Thu Apr 29, 2010 @ 07:29pm · 0 Comments |
