Yesterday, I hurt one of my Gaia friends. I'm not even sure what I did to hurt her, and I didn't do anything on purpose, but I hurt her, and she's very upset. I tried to apologize to her, but nothing I said did anything to help. It got late, and I went to bed. But I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking, "am I really such a monster that I could hurt someone so much without realizing it?". Maybe I am. When I signed up, I thought I was going to be the nice guy that was smart and everyone loved. Now I realize just how full of myself I was. All I am is just another human, motivated by selfish desires and a lack of compassion. I say I feel sad for the people who have trouble in their lives, but in reality, my heart feels little, for I have never experienced pain like theirs. I haven't had any kind of hardship in my life. I don't know how being hurt truly feels, since I have never been truly hurt by someone else. Maybe I am a monster because I have lived such a sheltered life.
Because I met that girl, she shook everything that I though about myself and the way I am to it's core. She may continue to hate me, no matter what I do. She may even hate me more for what I've just written. But I want to say this to her:
Thank you.
Because I met you, you changed the way I think about myself. You popped the bubble of false feelings of myself that I had surrounded myself in. Now I understand who I really am much more than I did before. Now that I have seen my flaws, maybe I can change.
But I don't know If I can truly change myself. I may end up surrounding myself in my own lies again. I don't know if I can live with myself if I go there again. But I definitely know I couldn't show my face to her again if I did.
 OnyxAlchemyst · Fri Oct 02, 2009 @ 05:34pm · 0 Comments |
