I feel dead and alone.
I feel sick and empty.
I feel heavy and still.
I am tired of being sick and tired. All the time. All I want to do is sleep anymore, hoping that if I sleep for long enough my life will change, the world will change, and things will be better. I wonder if I'm fooling myself.
My job is unfulfilling and only getting worse. My purse is empty almost all the time. I live in a house with four other people and still feel like the only soul for miles around.
I usually enjoy my solitude, but lately I want someone to share it with. They say misery loves company, and I'm beginning to understand that, but in a different way than I'm sure the original phrase was intended.
I'm barely six weeks away from my salvation and for the first time in all of this time I feel myself slipping toward sin and damnation. I will fight it as I have fought everything else, but this sudden change is worrisome. Why now? Why this? I am starting to wonder if what little luck and strength I've had has finally run out.
I'm tired of fighting all the time, fighting a war that I don't understand. Maybe it's not worth it anymore, maybe if I just give in I'll feel better, things will be easier. But I pride myself on my pride, my sense of what is right and wrong for myself, and to give that up would be to give up what makes me who I am. But is it worth it anymore? Years of being an outcast among friends, being wrapped in cellophane while wrapped in the embrace of others. I'm there and yet I'm not, I'm included yet set aside.
I know I should be sleeping, but my mind won't stop spinning. I'm not thinking of anything in particular. I see a specialist about what's wrong with me tomorrow but I am not hopeful for what they can tell me. I wonder if this is my punishment for something, that I'm doomed to feel this way forever because of some sin in a past life.
Figures. Damn it.
Jagger-Wolf Community Member 
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Community Member
Sounds, and sweet airs, that give delight and hurt not.
Sometimes a thousand twangling instruments
Will hum about mine ears; and sometime voices
That, if I then had waked after long sleep,
Will make me sleep again; and then in dreaming,
The clouds methought would open, and show riches
Ready to drop upon me, that when I waked
I cried to dream again.
Friends for life? smile I live online, write, and have been through a lot. I'm old, I like to help. Always looking for friends who make friends for life, because I'm deep. In a shallow world it doesn't happen too often. Go with the flow, and if it takes you to my door and your intuition says to knock. Don't worry, just come on in. If not, I won't hold it against you. It is, after all, a shallow world.