i've been having a very hard time sleeping lately. even with the school days i would always stay up till ten every night. i couldn't sleep even if i wanted to. now i can't sleep either. he's asleep and probably dreaming peacefully...but maybe he just didn't want to talk to me anymore. my poor darling....i shouldn't call him that. he's not mine. i only have a small part of him...some tiny empty spot in his big heart, and that spot will always be empty because i am nothing. people who know me kind of well will say that's not true but it is. if i don't have someone for me to look up to then i fall to peices and all i'm good for is serving other people and doing what they want me to. i lost that person and all i am now is a silly little girl head over heels for someone very special but far away. i'll never be able to tell him everything about me because i'm not sure what i am. i'm still not sure i want to be alive still. you'll never be able to even fathom how many times a day i get a sharp pain in my chest that makes me want to curl up in a small dark corner till everything is gone, how many times i've thought about putting a dagger through my wrist to end it all. love is great but it's also very painful. i can never see him unless it's inside of school or if i bother my mother for hours to let me visit him at his house. he could never be there when i really need him, so i talk to my only friend who will be with me forever. the air listens to me cry every night and it dries my tears when there's none left to be shed. wind blows when i want to feel cold and num. there's noone who can be there for me all the time and i don't want anyone to ever be there for me. if someone is there once or twice, i feel like i can trust them and rely on them to be there for me even when it's night time out. they can't keep their promises to be there for me though because when i'm most sad and alone...is at night when everyone in my world is asleep. it's when the sounds of an empty house come to life even though the house isn't empty at all. the time of night when nothing seems welcoming and nothing will keep my cold skin warm....skin that seems to belong to a dead person it's so cold...never warming up, just sucking the heat out of other people and things...protecting a heart not worth protecting for it has stopped beating long ago eyes as beautiful as death because they are dead...dead when my heart stoped beating why did it ever start beating if only to stop later in life of an event that could not help but to happen? couldn't the parents of this small porcelain heart have had a boy instead? a stronger child than this girl who sits at her electronic box all day hoping to find someone who does not exist anymore? even with all her important people this girl couldn't be happy with life. she wishes it to end every day, after everyone is gone to their world of dreams and sugar, she lays awake every night woundering why she's still here. thinking of how selfish she is to want to be gone forever...how even if they missed her for a while, she would be forgotten after a year or sooner. how insignificant this girl is and how simply and boring she really is. every day at her computer or at school or doing something because someone asked her to do it for them. a boring existance to fit a boring girl who broke herself long ago and doesn't want to fixed, so she breaks a little more of her self every day until one day, there will be only powder left and her life will be over. it's sad that i've wrighten this some people might say. he won't be happy that i've been thinking all of this all the while we've been dating and telling each other sweet nothings i think. if he reads this he'll know all of it though. i have been truly happy with him though...when i'm away from him though...i feel so lonely i can't stand it. when i go back to school and say good bye to him as he gets on the bus...i can feel my world implode on itself and i give in to my sorrow of knowing i won't see him again untill the next morning if i'm lucky or not at all...what i pitiful being i am... hopefully someone will be home on the last day of school when i get home or...it won't be good to be alone. i know i won't be able to keep from crying when i get home that day.
SilverFireMe · Sun May 24, 2009 @ 08:10am · 0 Comments |