Today I cried. I cried because I realized for the first time in 4 years that I put myself in a position of constant fear. I cried because I realized for the first time in 4 years that I made myself the victim, the prey, the loser.
I was reading forums today and those who know me all too well would know I'd hit the interracial relationship section first.
So here I am reading different forums and replies having a good time seeing what other people have to say about a subject I hold so near to my heart. Then I came upon another forum, my sixth or seventh that I read. It was a white boy and he was so angry with interracial relationships. He was saying people should take interracial relationships more seriously with the niggers and porch monkeys.
It hurt so much to read that. Why would he say something like that? It absolutely crushed me. I scrolled down to see what people had to say about it and I was shocked. So many people had something negative to say. Of course they all agreed. You can feel the emotions of the person writing if you read what they're saying right. The hate and anger radiating from their words left me in tears.
I'm a power thinker. Saying indoors and giving up a social life I like to think a lot of things through. One of the reasons I know myself so well. Strengths, weakness', talents, annoyances, loves, dislikes. There is never an I don't know when talking about myself.
I'm sitting at the computer and I start crying after I read the forum. So I turned my brain on max to know why. Then as fast as it dumbfounded me the answer was in my face.
Fear.
I was crying because I was scared. I was crying because I realized that I made myself a victim of fear.
I choose to love white men. That's just who I am. I choose to go to school. If I want to get anywhere I get my butt to school as much as possible. I learn the white men I love and respect so much are the ones that cause me to be afraid. I choose the love the ones that make my life a constant look-out. White me are the KKK. White men are Nazis. White men are Neo-Nazis, and anti-Semitist. AND I CHOOSE TO WANT THEM!!! I AFRAID OF TERRIFIED OF THEM!!! Yet they're ALWAYS #1 in my book.
I can't go to sleep something time, because Klansmen use to live in my house and gather at the church across the street. I constantly look at the white kids that go to my school because I feel at least one of them are a threat. I have to close the door to my closet because the white shirts I wear for my school uniform look too much like a Klansmen head dress in the dark. Why do I do it? Because 4 years ago I trusted white people with my romantic being, because 6 years before that I never fully understood what they were capable out. 3 years ago we dove deeper into racism and I brushed it off. Last year my MOTHER drove into racism. Nobody understands how deeply this subject affects me. It scares me and it scared me today when I finally realized I step myself in the path of fear itself.
I feel trapped because I’m not attracted to black men, no matter the circumstance, I’m afraid of white men, Hispanic men are out of the question and I don’t know Asians enough to have an opinion on them. But I HATE the feeling of being alone. I’ve been alone since I was 8 years old. I don’t want to stay alone.
I may joke with my friends about, brush it off with my family. But deep down every time I’m forced to do a racial project, faced with a slur, or it comes up in a conversation it tears a bit more of my soul out each time.
I don’t have the v****a to give up on white men. I’ve become attached to them for 4 years. So I have to keep looking over my shoulder to see what will happen next.
Some say race doesn’t matter but…
RACE DOES MATTER, IT MATTERS A LOT TO ME BECAUSE IF I BRUSH OFF THE FEAR OF RACIST. I COULD END UP DEAD.
My life is not something I’m willing to give for a man. However I don’t believe I’ll be able to fight it. One thing I learned about myself a few years ago is the loneliness has sparked a desperate need for male contact.
I cried today, because I have a feeling men will be my end.
BelladonnaValo Community Member 
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