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I know I said that I was going to be away for a few months with the intentions of returning as a less-stressed and better person. Well, it seems that I no longer am able to go through life without the means of Gaia being my escape. My home life is getting more and more tough, my school life is getting harder and harder with my classes and my church is becoming more of a stress factor rather than my escape, like it used to be.
With the joining of some acquaintances from school now at my church, I am feeling more pressured than ever but I still put on a smiling face and say that all is fine and dandy. My only question right now is how the hell am I supposed to go on like this? A person can cope with all of this for only so long, right?
My utter confusion is who I am. I don't know who my name was and what my name represented. I no longer know who my nickname is and I am left with no name at all to call myself and only the frustration of my boyfriend and friends who all want answers that I do not have. My utter confusion comes into play when the only escape I feel is when I cut myself, and I now have everyone on top of that saying, "Don't cut. It's not cool. We care too much, so don't do it." Well, that's the same thing asking an alcoholic not to drink. I'm addicted. Sorry, but that is how it is.
Lately I've been even more depressed than usual. Today, I was nearly silent, except for the occasional small statements. I don't know what to do or say now whenever my boyfriend or other friends ask, "What's wrong?" I simply reply the truth, "I don't know." but they still don't accept that as an answer and ask again or get even more frustrated. I'm so worried that soon I'll be losing my boyfriend or some of my other friends that I have. I know that if I hide how I feel, I will surely lose someone and that will only drag me further into depression.
My school life is hectic, busy and annoying. I'm passing all of my classes but it's just the business that some of them require of you. The projects, essays, poems, assignments, all of it is just more on the pile that I already have.
Church used to be my outlet of stress and craziness. I could go there and find some place to be alone and be able to get out all craziness there and leave later that day and feel better. But now with three acquaintances joining my church, and whom go to my school, the craziness of school came with them. Now, I am never alone, always with some nagging person and completely lost. What the HELL am I supposed to do?!
 Written-Nightmare · Fri Oct 03, 2008 @ 12:30am · 0 Comments |
