I want someone to realize how crappy I feel right now. I feel like doing a dozen things that would neither be healthy nor helpful. I finally found peace. When I was gone I reached a state of full bliss and love, wrapped in my lover’s arms. I have NEVER been in that state. Even when he visited in June I was still in state of worry and stress and there was absolutely no relaxation to be had.
And now that I have left I keep thinking of ways to get back, from moving there just to be closer until he leaves to joining the military while he’s gone so that I can contribute in the same way. I fee as if he wants me to be a lawn ornament and not a woman in my own right. And I understand that I have the means to get an education and that there’s no true point for me to go except that it looks and feels like a career area that I could thrive in.
I hate myself. I feel as if I’m ruining the relationship be fighting him over it but it was so pure. When I was with him everything made sense and I felt as if I was powerful and complete and the minute I left I felt weak and alone and like I had committed some sort of crime.
I hate that feeling, I want to be powerful in my own right. I don’t want my emotions dictated to me by the love of my life, I want them to complement his and show his good sides just as he shows mine. I feel like a burden and though he doesn’t see it that way I do.
Does anyone know what I mean?
I want to grow up and FEEL like a WOMAN, not just be one, I want to KNOW that I am one.
Parts of me don’t want to join the military, big parts. And big parts want me to. For me its different. None of my family have done it. Christ, most of my family hasn’t graduated high school, let alone attempted college, both of which I have been doing. I have the money to fun an education. I have a loving fiancée, a decent job (though I hate it) and a good home. But there is still this sense of lack.
I want out. I want to get educated, and get out of California. I hate it here. I’ve never left and anywhere seems better then here. Not that here is bad, here is just…here. Its boring, its uneventful. I’d join the Army over the Navy but I’m sure that my fiancée would have a heart attack at the thought of me running around in a war zone.
To me it’s a way to surpass all others and prove to MYSELF that I am worthy of adulthood. I’ve already surpassed everyone in my immediate family, there’s no challenges left for me at home. I get bored too easy. I want to learn and advance and grow and contribute.
I’ve spent the last six months studying the Navy and what are the possibilities from so many perspectives. I spent the last year thinking about this and the last week or two getting the crash course in everything from fitness to positions to ranks.
Can anyone help me?
I don’t know what I should do.
Blaze Divka Community Member 
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