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Holyshit it's been a LOOONG time since I wrote in here. I've been cheating on you with Facebook, Kinsaki, and my mule account. I'm sorry. I'm just scared of commitment.
D:
So... I'm not going to try to tell you what's gone on since I last took the time to chat with you wonderful readers out there. Right now... I just need to rant and think and... Get it all out on paper... or... Screen... or... in... pixels.... ******** it. I just need to be able to visualize what I'm thinking. You can read... cause I'm going to write it as if I was writing TO you. Who knows... You might even find it interesting though I doubt it.
Kay... So there's this guy. I met him about a year ago on my mule account and we hit it off. Since then we've gotten really close and we're starting to think a little more of eachother at the moment, if you catch my drift. He's pretty much everything I want in a guy. He's smart, funny, literate, compassionate, good hearted... He's nearly perfect. I'm not going to say he IS perfect because at that moment I'd find some unnerving flaw that would bug the s**t out of me. So he's just... a wonderful guy.
I really like him alot. And this is going to sound cliche... but what I have with him really is different than what I have had with other guys. He's just... Not the same. I made the first move with him and he did a really smart thing. He said he wanted to take some time to get to know eachother before we dove into anything, with which I totally agree. So... I've taken the time to get to know him very well and he's getting to know me... and I'm suddenly overcome by an even stronger fondness for this boy than before. Of course you're probably thinking "Yes, Pea. When you like someone, and you spend time with them... it can really only go two ways. You can either learn what an a*****e they are or the feelings will simply get stronger. Great observation. Thanks for pointing that out to us. :/" Here's the thing though... I've not gotten to this point of liking someone in years. I'm scared by this whole... giddy feeling I get whenever I get a message from him... the happy butterflies that I get when I think about him. It's weird.
I'm trying to figure out what it is about HIM that's so different. He's... I don't know! I know that if I were to be in a relationship with him... it wouldn't be one-sided... like... I feel like he would need me as much as I need him. I feel like he'd be faithful (a big one for me since I've been cheated on before.) I feel like he'd not only be my signifigant other... that he'd also continue being my friend. I've been in alot of relationships where the friendship stopped when the romance started. But I feel totally different with him. I feel like I can tell him anything. I have no guilt about my feelings and emotions because I know he wouldn't judge me on them. I feel like he really wants to talk to me and wants to know me through and through. He's not just after one thing... He appreciates me for the entire package of what I am. He doesn't stand for me putting myself down and makes me feel wanted and good about myself. He talks as much with me as I do with him. (He never gives single sentance replies. He carries out a conversation because he's truely interested in the topics that we're talking about. this is a big one.) I feel that I can pour my heart out to him and he'll hold it with as much care as gold leaf demands.
I've never had all of that at once in a single person before. This is a Big thing for me. He's like everything I've asked for and more... But here's the thing.. I've been hurt badly before. My heart has been ripped out and stomped on more than one occaision... and I'm scared to just let go and like him with no reservations. I'm spending a good portion of my time sitting here contemplating all of the worst possible outcomes of letting myself like him and I'm not taking the time to just do it. To say it metaphorically, I've got so many bruises on my back that I'm scared to let go of the ledge and trust him to catch me, because the last time I let go I got taken by surprise when there was nothing there but a rock hard floor for me at the bottom.
Am I making any sense? Probably not.
I'm just babbling.
I just wish I could allow myself to just... get the butterflies without getting mad... or... just... GAHH!
I don't know anymore. It's two in the morning and I'm now starting to make no sense.
I just... I kind of wish that Staples made easy buttons for this kind of situation.
Dx
-Aiko<3
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leMOI!
<33
Careful... I bite.
=D
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 Sweetpea053 · Mon Aug 04, 2008 @ 09:00am · 0 Comments |
