I had a...well....mental blowout (<--how I've been refering to it). You know, like the kind of stuff you see in psyc wards. With the screaming and the hitting and the muscle spasms (phrasing?). It was pretty scary....and I mean that.... That's all it was: a whole lot of fear, uncontrolled fear. That stuff can knock you out man. My mind wouldn't shut down. During this whole mental blowout I found myself unable to calm down, no matter what I tried. The safest place I felt was curled up by my closet on my back with my hands over my head....oddly... Seeing as staying in my room wasn't helping and considering how much I wished she was there, I slipped on my shoes, hoodie, and a hat (to conceal my otrocious [sp?] appearance [ratty hair, teary eyes, runny nose, ect.]), and headed over to her house. I was just as worried about going back home as I was of going over there, but somehow I couldn't stop my feet. I was completely exhausted when I reached her house and was shaking rather horribley. Her brother let me in and her sister went to get her (i didn't ask....but did secretly want). Then I heard her rushing down the stairs...at the time I was ashamed of how out of control my mind had gotten...but now when I think about it....I only long for it to happen again....I want to hear her rushing to be at my side (I'm still pretty bent out of shape--mind wise--even now)....She asked me to tell her what was wrong (I of course didn't want her to worry...how stupid...I was sitting in front of her, broken, how could she not)...we went outside, to be in private and she wrapped her arms around me. At first I felt myself calm a bit...and thought of how hot I was compared to her (even my breath was almost too warm to stand)....then I stopped thinking....and wondered if I was dreaming....if I was really in her arms....so I pushed back to look at her, make sure she was still there, that I wasn't dreaming. When her mom came outside (in a towel sweatdrop ). She told us to come back inside and go sit in the living room. (I apparently forgot where the living room was and followed her). We sat in silence for a minute. Then she asked me if I needed a tissue (a joke followed that). She got me some tea and asked me if I wanted to talk. Now, I've never been big on telling people my problems. I guess I just don't want them to know I have them. Most of the time I just sit and listen to what others have to say. And that's what I ended up doing with her. Since I wouldn't talk, she began to tell me everything I had missed in the past couple of months. I was thoroughly suprised at a lot of it. It was nice, though. Getting to sit there and listen to her talk. To me nonetheless. As I said, it felt like a dream. As previously stated, I'm still in a somewhat broken state. I haven't gotten over the ordeal. I think the one thing I needed to do at that time was talk about why I broke down....and I still need to. But there's only one person in the world who I want to share the shadows of my past that haunt my mind today. That person is her. The one who I've fallen so madly in love with. whee So I guess I'll be in this state for a while! No? 4laugh 3nodding
Yuki Matsuraba · Wed Apr 16, 2008 @ 02:47am · 0 Comments |