I got the notebook with all the letters I wrote to dan dan. He gave it to Daniela to give to me. What? He couldn’t face me or something? Does he not like me that much?
Anyway, during Spanish 2, I read it, and I am actually brought to tears. Not kidding. I realized:
1. there were quite a few grammatical errors in that thing
2. I set myself up. I bloody set myself up. I pour my heart out. Show him how completely vulnerable I can be. I tell him the best way to crush me and make me leave is to leave me first. I told him that. And he went and did it.
3. I am a bloody idiot.
4. I gave him an ultimatum. Pick me or his darkness. And he didn’t pick me. I told him, if he picked the other route, then he shouldn’t even look my way. And so there it is. He hasn’t spared me a glance.
I wanted to book it outta there so fast. Wanted to run away from the school, everything.
Bell rings so me and Becca head out. It’s weird because Evergreen and Charli weren’t there to chat with as per our usual routine. We stop and wait anyway, just in case they might be lagging a bit and will eventually show up. From the corner of my eye, I think I spot dan dan actually looking at us. At me. But then I shove the thought away. Because, no, he wouldn’t do that. It’s my eyes and mind playing tricks on me. I just imagined it. If he did look then what was he think-
No no Cathy. Don’t be fooled. It was playing tricks.
English passes by. Albright is stark mad and I feel terrible for the poor ppl he mocked. Terrible, it was.
As lunch starts, I head to our usual spot to return Ash’s Spanish book to her and the notebook to its owner. But he isn’t there. I wait. Still not there. I ask if he was in class. Bryon said no. he probably ditched, the idiot. I thought he was over that. Well I cant wait much longer so I head to cooper’s.
In precal, Anderson hands out a review packet and lets us form groups to complete it together. Evergreens and Beebles come to join me. We’re working (well, beebles is working and me and evergreen are talking) when she notices something on her desk and shows it to me.
I stop cold.
It reads:
To Cathy Jerome
I’m sorry
And goodbye
Next to it, in larger bolder writing, are the names Ily and Shadow.
I’m torn between suppressing my “awwww” and the pang in my heart. Evergreen voices the question that I wonder, “what did he mean by goodbye?”
For the rest of the period im lost in my thoughts. My questions. A black hole. I keep looking back to the names. There’s something about those names…I just LOVE. And yet there’s such a tragic minor (like in music. Major=happy minor=sad) tone to it. It’s almost beautiful and melodic. If I write a book, those are the names I am so using.
What did goodbye mean? Did he really mean it? Is it that easy for him to just let me go? I mean…he couldn’t even tell me goodbye. He hates me that much. He wrote it on his desk. What if Talar hadn’t seen it? What if- oh what’s the point with all the what ifs? If doesn’t mean it happened or will happen. The fact is…I just wasn’t worth it to him. He rid himself off me and im scared he thinks he’s better off that way. What if he is? What if my addiction, my nagging, my worry, my heart…is nothing but bothersome to him? What if…I mean nothing? It hurts. I’m not worth it. Not enough for him to try. Not good enough to keep. Why? Why does it have to hurt me when it’s his loss? Why do I worry when it’s his suffering? Why do I care when I’m not cared for? Why?
Because…like it or not, that’s love.
Before heading into my bio, Evergreen spots Dan dan. I say he wont answer and she says try. I call out but he keeps walking. “See?” I say sadly. “He couldn’t hear,” she explains.
He never hears anything I say anymore…
After school I can’t find him but I see Paco and give it to him to give to Dan Dan. I chat with Cindy by the PAC. That girl can TALK. And talk and talk and talk. Oi vei. Quite amusing. Kim wasn’t too cheerful and psychotic. I asked, “what’s wrong?” and she replied with a quiet but harsh, “go away”. Ouch. But she’s wants her space so I respect that and don’t push it. Once they leave, I head to my fav mid school teacher, Meester Hata. Good ol’ hata always has advice. And he gave me good advice, at that. So I have resolved this. Here’s how im gonna lay it out.
I’m sorry for thinking I could leave him.
He’s trying to find himself, his place, his purpose. I agree he needs to do that and find God in his own way, in his own time. I wont pressure him. But that doesn’t mean I wont help. When he needs me, I’ll be there. I’ll be waiting until he’s ready to come back to me. If it’s space he wants, I’ll give it to him. If he wants me like I wish he does, well, I’m as good as his. For the most part.
But if he falls too far down, I wont hesitate to intervene. I can and I will. I wont let him take the wrong road. Im not going down without a fight.
It’s funny how im fighting for him and he’s fighting against himself.
Anyway, so that’s that. I’ll be there for him. I wont push him. I’ll just encourage him.
God help me I have no clue how I can say any of this to his face. I’m scared. I can see it played out in my head. Me ranting because the truth is im scared shitless and don’t know what to say. Me, wondering to God, if daniel’s listening. If I’m getting through to him. He’ll be quiet. I’ll beg him not to, in my head of course. I’ll wish insanely, hope desperately that he’ll say something. Do something. And he’ll just sit there. And I’ll wonder if he was even listening. My mood sinking with every quiet breath of his. Until all I can say is that I tried. And now it’s his turn. I’ll walk away. Fighting-don’t turn back don’t turn back don’t do it cathy. Keep walking straight. Don’t turn don’t turn don’t do it. I’ll wonder what youre thinking. If youre thinking about me or what I say at all. Did I do the right thing? What did I screw up? I’ll think im such an idiot. Stomp stomp stomp my feet. Jump jump jump. Rawrghhhh.
I really really really hope it doesn’t go that way. I’m really really hoping it’ll turn out good. Different.
I pray to God we don’t screw it up anymore. I pray he’ll give me a chance. I pray he’ll give yourself one.
So here goes. Im takin Evergreen’s advice and calling. My stomach tightens as the phone rings. Someone answers and I ask for Dan dan. He answers and my stomach twists. I barely sputter out the words. I want to say something just to stay on the line. But he’s not much of a talker. “ok” is the only word in his vocabulary. I wait, hoping he’ll say something. Anything. Come on, I think, throw me a bone here. Nothing. I sigh. Is it so hard? Is there really nothing at all to say to me? The silence from his end kills me. The pang in my chest is back when I say bye. My body and mind go tighter.
But tomorrow things will be different. I will not hold back. I will not go cold. I may freeze in the beginning but I’ll warm up. And once I start, I’m gonna loose it. Let myself go. I will be weak. Vulnerable. Nervous. Shaking. Rambling. Crying (inside or out, it’s inevitable). I will lay myself out there.
But when I’m done, I will be resolved. I will be strong. Hopeful. Ready.
I know not what the future holds. But let it throw whatever it wants at me. (Bring it!)
No chance I’m backing down. I’m walking out of it, tall (metaphorically of course) and unstoppable.
Song: believe-the bravery
Mood: confident (watch me evaporate and scram tomorrow after school. Heck, I wont even be able to look him in the eye. At first. I’ll ease up soon enough.)
Cora Jem Hyte Community Member 
|
|
Community Member